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Is he a freeloader?

(54 Posts)
Brenboo Mon 03-Dec-12 21:54:17

Ok, long story short. Im divorced, was in a DV relationship. Ended it. Got divorced. Have a 7 year old daughter. All good in my mind. Met a lovely man about 2 years after divorce. I have a very good job with a good salary. Paying mortgage on my own house in lovely area. After 2 years met another man. He was also divorced. He had been married 18+ years and wife says she didnt love him anymore. No kids on his side. He is kind, gentle, funny, considerate. After 1 year of him staying with me for weekends, we decide to have a go at living together. Financial facts on him are, he has
savings of about £50k plus another £50k tied up in property. He has own business but it not doing very well with the result being i earn about 3 times what he earns. When we discussed the financial side of living together I was concerned that should the relationship not work out, I didnt want anyone to make a claim on my home. (After my marriage ended, I had to remortgage to buy ex h out of home.) New partner assured me this wont happen. At the minute we is share the bills equally. But he doesnt contribute anything to mortgage. This was at his suggestion. Im thinking the reason for this was because I made it clear it was my house... The idea is in the long term should things really work out in a 2-3 years, when my daughter finishes school we would buy a house together. Thing is its starting to niggle me that he gets 2-3 years of mortgage free life while im working my ass off to pay my mortgage... while he lives in my house and saves his money... Im also finding that when theres a bill to be paid I have to remind him about 5/6 times about it. He is forgetful but its pissing me off.. So i suggested he set up a direct bank payment to mine which he eventually did but my big gripe is that he maybe thinks hey this is great Im saving my money and living rent free... Then i honestly ask myself if the situ was reversed and i lived in his house I would abso-fucking-lutley have to make a payment for the fact that i lived there...

Apocalypto Mon 03-Dec-12 22:05:44

Now that you've set it all down, do you still have any questions?

raskolnikov Mon 03-Dec-12 22:06:01

Hi Bren

I can see why you're worried about the financial implications if things don't work out. If I were you I'd look into your/his legal position re contributing and maybe suggest that he pays for food/petrol/meals out etc in return for making no mortgage contribution. Somehow you need to find a balance between contributing towards your joint costs and the fact that you earn substantially more than he does.

It doesn't sound as if he's deliberately delaying paying you, just forgetful, but if he stalls or keeps not paying over a longer period, I'd be having a re-think.

dequoisagitil Mon 03-Dec-12 22:08:24

Have you had any legal advice? He might be able to contribute more to the household without getting a claim on the house as you're not married. He doesn't need to pay into the mortgage directly to take some of the strain off you, surely? I'd get some solid information if you haven't had so far.

I think because he's slow in contributing towards bills, I'd be more careful and more protective of my assets than if he didn't need to be chased.

Monty27 Mon 03-Dec-12 22:08:40

Re-read your post. If you were doing that to him would you think you were on a bit of a winner?

Lueji Mon 03-Dec-12 22:08:59

If you had a lodger, he'd have to pay rent, which would probably cover part of the costs with your mortgage.
It could be fair for him to pay what a lodger would, IMO.

ladyWordy Mon 03-Dec-12 22:09:44

I'm not sure, but two things stand out here.

One: a woman does not generally give up on a gentle, kind, funny, considerate man after 18 years of marriage, for no real reason. Something went wrong. Maybe she just fell out of love as stated; but it seems to me you might not have the whole truth.

Two: a truly considerate man doesn't need reminding about paying his share of the bills when he's living rent free. He would have dealt with it before you had to ask. He certainly wouldn't need reminding more than once. But you're onto that already, aren't you?

janelikesjam Mon 03-Dec-12 22:11:40

A few alarm bells, especially 5/6 reminders to pay bills ... (why? resentful that he should pay anything at all? broke? absent-minded? unreliable? disorganised? a wind-up?)

You say he is gentle funny considerate but you don't sound happy about the financial arrangements, and if you live together thats important part of it for everyone to feel secure - plus its your house. Why did you accept this arrangement in the first place if you had misgivings?

Whatever you decide to do, please make sure you are protected financially. See a solicitor rather than relying on new partner's assurances! You are doing well, have created a nice nwe life for yourself and your daughter, so I think you are right to be cautious.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 22:13:23

Get legal advice, pronto

And yes, you have cause for concern here re. freeloading. He's certainly onto a good number with you.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 22:14:09

Trust your instinct...you have posted here. You wouldn't have done that if there was no reason to

HollyBerryBush Mon 03-Dec-12 22:24:10

I am crap with money - this is why I have DDs and SOs.

There is no reason why you cant average out your yearly bills and he does a 1/12th SO to the bills account every month.

There after you need to work out the issue of food and extras contribiutions, what is a reasonable amount.

Re the mortgage/rent free thing - if he wasnt with you - its your house, you would have to pay it anyway. Rent free? is he the lodger or your partner? If he's the lodger, charge him accordingly, if he's your partner he should have (IMHO) financial share in the house if hes paying towards your mortgage.

Brenboo Mon 03-Dec-12 22:32:32

thanks to everyone.. I suggest a legal doc like a pre nup and he is very willing to sign this, but this isnt my main concern, I just think he is onto a winner here and im resenting this quite a bit recently... He will make contributions to things for my daughter for Christmas, and pays for half of holidays and stuff for the house but I constantly have to remind him about other stuff.. he is disorganised and forgetful.. I think the conversation needs to be had about him making a contribution to living here and that way I will see whats happening with this..

Monty27 Mon 03-Dec-12 22:41:21

OP, no he still sounds like he's on a winner to me. Who's going to be the loser?

(Think, your own dc's here, long term).

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Mon 03-Dec-12 22:45:52

Disorganised and forgetful ?

Or cunning and manipulative ?

Only you know that.

Monty27 Mon 03-Dec-12 22:50:01

AF I agree.

Bren he doesn't sound forgetful to me.

Corygal Mon 03-Dec-12 23:26:39

IME freeloading men are miles more shameless about living off women than the reverse.

What does he do with the money he's not spending on accommodation? OK, he doesn't earn very much, but does it all go on the business.

What would he do if he had to finance his own accommodation?

What's your timescale for a shared home? Does he mention that a lot?

Corygal Mon 03-Dec-12 23:41:20

Some people can cope with having a type 1 partner who lives off them, some people need a type 2 who pays their own way. It's fine to have this as a deal-breaker.

Sounds to me like you may have done your time financing the men in your life. Why not arrange a time for a proper conversation and say you can't afford to keep him for the next 2-3 years.

Leave the suggestions on how to fix this up to him - what he says is what matters, emotionally as well as financially.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 04-Dec-12 00:59:15

When me and dp started living together (pre dc) he moved into mine. He didn't pay towards mortgage as I wanted to pay it so that I felt it was still mine. However, he paid all of the bills, the weekly food shop and put petrol in my car. We still lived there when dc1 came along, even though we both worked he also started giving me 300 a month- it didn't go directly to mortgage but helped out I suppose.
My dp is also really forgetful and very laid back- but even he only needs reminding twice about bills.....5/6 times seems like he's putting it off deliberately to me

expatinscotland Tue 04-Dec-12 01:12:43

What AnyFucker said.

garlicbaubles Tue 04-Dec-12 01:19:10

I think he should be paying you what a lodger would pay. Shouldn't be too hard to find out rates in your area. Get it on a standing order. Make firm decisions together about sharing costs of holidays, car & travel expenses, etc.

I'm thinking that your unease means the relationship isn't working for you and you're looking for a straightforward, fixable cause. I could be wrong - but, if not, there are certainly other things to look at before you become further committed.

Hope it all goes well for you, either way.

mortimersraven Tue 04-Dec-12 01:31:13

Hi, I'm not going to comment on what his motivations may be, I can't really say. But I'd like to tell you about my experience in sharing a mortgage with a new partner:

Some years ago, my flatmate moved out and DP moved in. I charged him rent at the same rate I charged my flatmate, which was less than half the mortgage payment. I made it clear it was rent and not a mortgage contribution. As time went on and things became more serious between us, we agreed he should begin to pay half of the mortgage (and we should get his name jointly put on it) but with no back-claim towards what I had already paid, or my deposit, should we break up. You can get a very quick and affordable legal document called a 'declaration of trust' from a solicitor which protects all your previous payments and shows who owns how much of the property.

If you do want to stay with this person, I recommend you do this. Then, he's sharing half your monthly financial burden but if you also quietly save the extra that you would have been paying on the mortgage without his contribution, then you are in a secure place financially, should you need to buy him out at a later stage.

curlyblackhair Tue 04-Dec-12 01:42:19

It doesn't sound to me like you're ready to be moving in together tbh. One year is not very long in a relationship where dc are involved, and you don't sound like you have a very high opinion of him or his motives.

I moved in with DH into his owned home and would have been horrified at the idea of having to pay rent. Being in a relationship with someone is not like being a lodger, your partner takes an equal role in household tasks and you are sharing your lives, not taking in someone to help pay the bills. DH and I both knew that if he married me, there was a risk that if the relationship breaks down, he runs to risk of losing out financially. But being together was more important to us than the finances - we wanted to be a proper family.

In a fully committed relationship, married or not, you should be sharing finances and there is always a risk that something might happen to one of you which means you're not going to be in the same financial position as you started out - one of you could fall ill or you could lose your job, but you wouldn't end the relationship just because of that. It just doesn't sound to me like you're prepared to take the risks involved in being in a properly committed relationship.

fiventhree Tue 04-Dec-12 08:45:36

I dont think it looks good.

There is no reason why he cant pay some rent, and it is quite suspicious that a) he didnt offer and b) he is coincidentally forgetful about his share of the bills.

Slightly worrying that a man with money in the bank would freeload, in effect, off a single parent.

gettingeasier Tue 04-Dec-12 08:53:26

Yes get the declaration of trust sorted straight away whatever you decide to do about the rest

Personally I couldnt deal with a casual attitude to bill paying etc but then I am very protective of mine and my DC financial security

purrpurr Tue 04-Dec-12 08:55:25

Just wanted to give my experience.

When I moved in with my boyfriend 5 years ago (now DH) in his home, I wasn't working as I'd moved quite a long way to be with him, had given up my job etc. Unfortunately the move knocked the stuffing out of me and I ended up signed off briefly just with stress - sounds a bit pathetic but there you go. This meant I wasn't working for that time. My then boyfriend soon started to get resentful re: him paying for everything, me being onto a winner, etc, and basically did not trust me as far as he could throw me, even though ostensibly our relationship was going well. I think I hadn't proved to him at that point that I would hold true to my word - I would contribute, we would be equals.

5 years later, we're married, we bought a house together and we're expecting. I worked for several years in a role involving a very long commute, worked hard, got promoted, brought home a salary nearly equal to his (I have earned my age for the last two years, which for me is a big deal) and this has finally laid any ghosts to rest about me being a potential freeloader.

It wasn't just him that was suspicious - his parents were scared for him too.

I'm just telling my story as I wonder whether this is all 100% him or if it's you, feeling resentful because he does have the better end of the deal here, but you can change that - ask him to pay rent, stop lording it over him that it's your house. When I couldn't contribute financially I used to ask my parents for money, never asked my then boyfriend as I couldn't be sure I'd get any without a raised eyebrow and a What-do-you-need-it-for etc etc...

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