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I will never understand the OW

(143 Posts)
chocoreturns Fri 30-Nov-12 18:54:46

This weekend my children will meet the OW who was sleeping with my husband this time last year, while I was pregnant. I knew it would happen and it's a shit as I always knew it would be. That's not what this post is about though...

As a preamble to meeting them, I've received a charming letter through my solicitor stating that as they began their relationship AFTER we separated, and as she works with vulnerable children and is CRB checked, I should basically be thrilled that they are in her care (with XH of course). Because essentially they have been saintly to wait this long as my lovely DC are quite clearly going to benefit from having her in their lives.

What I can't get my head around is that OW is included in ALL correspondence my XH sends. Solicitors letters, emails etc. She reads the abusive ones to me and his own mother. She obviously knows that this hearts and flowers introduction to my DC is a load of twaddle, as she knew I was pg when she was having an affair with my XH. So how does she not twig that he's an absolute see you next tuesday with repugnant moral standards? Why would she want to build a life with a man like my ex? I know we all miss 'red flags' (I did when I married him after all!) but when someone is so clearly abusive and lies ALL the time even in legal documents, and you KNOW that they are lying, what bit of your brain has to be switched off to say "oh look, there's a keeper"?

Feel sick and low tonight sad

Mu1berries Sat 01-Dec-12 09:33:14

Smudging, my x was always less awkward when he had somebody to drive around in his flash car. As soon as she wised up and ended it he returned to his default position of being awkward and intransigent. My mum deals with my x for me so that I don't have to see him or talk to him. She said she could always tell if he was in a relationship or not by his demeanour towards our family (me my parents, siblings). He would either be condescending, smug and sneering at us but would stick to the arrangements made and not be awkward for the sake of it. This behaviour = girlfriend on the go. Or, he would be choking on self-pity, trying to get my mum to listen to his woes, changing the arrangements at the last minute .. This behaviour = single (for now).

She can read him like a badly written book.

hopespringy Sat 01-Dec-12 09:58:39

hang on, was that missive for contact this weekend? erm, sorry, but too short notice. They have plans and kids can't be tossed about at the convenience of the NRP. Make it clear that longer notice is required in future.

GeekLove Sat 01-Dec-12 11:48:29

What a pile of poo. She is so trust worthy and CRB checked yet she can mulititask and screw a married man.
I would caution against bitching about her to people as it will help his cause that what he did was he right thing. However you can be polite, courteous and not give her a jot of respect or ammunition.

struwelpeter Sat 01-Dec-12 12:12:58

Reading this and feeling exactly the same. I had one of those and he got jiggly with a butter-wouldn't-melt CRB checked angel to my supposed devil, who is now of course the best mother-substitute in the world to my DCs
Yup, the lies continue. Sad thing is that eventually as many of us know, the gap between romance and reality grows ever wider.
As others said, just find some good stuff for yourself to do and as I can now see it is me who picks up the pieces and provides the comfort in the DCs lives. OW is a bit player and I guess if CRB knew the half about her OH they might be a tad concerned.
Oh well biscuit to all OWs who will soon have the blinkers ripped from their eyes.

flippinada Sat 01-Dec-12 12:49:51

Yep it's amazing how some women delude themselves.

My ex got his new girlfriend (now wife) to collude with him in trying to get residence of our ds.

There was a report afterwards basically saying he was unfit to have residence because of x, y, z. She'll have seen that report and she went on to have kids with him.

People see and believe what they want to.

flippinada Sat 01-Dec-12 12:53:45

He also got her to pose as DS's real Mum on one occasion. And she went along with it!

You actually couldn't make these things up.

lunar1 Sat 01-Dec-12 13:01:44

Hope you are ok today choco.

chocoreturns Sat 01-Dec-12 13:08:18

flippinada that turns my stomach!

I am back from the horrible morning. Handover was handled by my lovely, lovely MIL. I wished her a lovely day with DS1 and was bright and cheerful, thanked her for being an excellent Grandma, wrapped myself up tight in my dignity and left to wait for the baby (who goes for an hour and a half in the mornings by agreement). DS2 was returned after 45mins, and I went home.

I am now feeling a bit empty and sad and lonely, and have all kinds of contradictory feelings about it. I am glad I was dignified and kept my cool, and the selfish part of me is glad my baby boy was sent back asap. But part of me is heartbroken for him that his dad doesn't seem to want him. I suppose our 2yo is much more fun to play with so he just doesn't acknowledge DS2 a lot of the time. Even in emails - he asked me if I would be handling xmas presents to cousins from DS1, as if DS2 doesn't exist. I hate everything about his shallow, selfish involvement in their lives. Part of me is afraid that DS2 will grow up feeling like his father sees him as an unwanted mistake (which couldn't be further from how I see him, he was planned and is very, very much loved. I had no idea OW was in the background when we discussed TTC that year).

I do feel sorry for OW but I also think she's made her bed and knew who was lying in it with her. What a bloody mess.

arthriticfingers Sat 01-Dec-12 13:23:41

What a horrible mess he made, indeed sad
Poor you.
But you did it, so notch one wine up to yourself and find hands to hold, here and real life.

chocoreturns Sat 01-Dec-12 13:31:08

thank you x

Nevergrowingup Sat 01-Dec-12 13:46:51

Choco, you have done amazingly well today. Its heartbreaking but you are keeping your side of the bargain and if you stay on a steady course you will know that any stories that come out are manufactured will be like water off a duck's back.

I see that your DCs are still very small. Your ExH and squeaky-clean OW think they have it all worked out. Adding your toddlers into the mix will bring new dimensions to their relationship and all the planning, lawyers letters and reinvention of the truth will never prepare them for day to day childcare. They will find that as the DCs start to talk and become more demanding, they won't be able to manage them using a weekly planner and cc-ing some letters.

However hard it is for you at the moment, reality will soon catch up with your ExH. These people always think they are smarter than everyone else. He may have been in the past, but then he had you to look out for him. Just keep doing what you are doing with your DCs. They are young, and you can do your best to make them feel secure and happy. They are not an accessory for the OW and make sure that you get your lawyer to respond to their laughable letters in an appropriate way.

Be a step ahead of them and of their shabby world.

clam Sat 01-Dec-12 13:53:01

He asked if you would be handling presents to cousins on his side? shock
Tell him to fuck right off.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie Sat 01-Dec-12 14:07:44

Your responsibility for presents there is over

Reply that is OW's "job" now (not that is should actually be the female's responsibility in the 1st place...but that is a different thread)

well done, choco. You have grace and dignity, but most of all integrity

Someone once told me I have integrity, and I thought it was one of the hugest compliments I have ever had.

iwantanafternoonnap Sat 01-Dec-12 14:48:14

I know it was very naughty of me but I just sent that link to my ex and put 'for OW' in the title. Put a few words to her about what a catch she has. I know it was really wrong but that link is my ex and I am in a vile mood this weekend.

Just a shame that I couldn't address it to her personally but I only know her first name and have never been given their address otherwise I would have printed and posted it LOL.

Ex refusing to see our DS has set me back months and months in the moving forward from the anger and bitterness stage sad

Jemma1111 Sat 01-Dec-12 15:22:23

Choco

The way I see it, the OW is included in all correspondence to you from your ex because she is most probably demanding to be. This tart obviously sees you as a threat and is more or less letting you know they are 'a team'. Its all done to upset you.

She's living her life knowing what he's capable of and so she must be racked with insecurity and I would also imagine that she is very jealous of you because you are the mother of his children.

In time, they will both get their comeuppance

brianbennettfan Sat 01-Dec-12 15:38:05

Hi choco,

Good to see you again, although not in these circumstances.sad

I have followed your story and kept up with your blog. You have been amazing, and do not deserve this hurt and frustration.

I am another one whose exH has attempted to re-write history. He and OW began their relationship when our son (now 25) was a few weeks old. I eventually found documentary proof of the relationship six whole years later and threw him out ten days after this (he wanted more time 'because these decisions (i.e. whether he wanted to be with me or the OW) TAKE TIME, YOU KNOW!' FFS, he had already had six years!

I heard this year that there were rumours that he had been telling people that his relationship with the OW had been nothing more than friendship until we separated. Probably shouldn't have done it, but I asked my son a couple of weeks ago what he had been told about the nature of his Dad's relationship with OW back in the day, and found out that both of our children had been told the lie about the 'friendship'.

I told my son that I had documentary evidence that his father was lying. One of the things that I have is a letter that OW wrote to my then DH while she was away on a ski holiday three months after our son was born. It begins 'Dear P, I am lying here in my half-empty double bed....' Some friendship, eh?

I have threatened to make photocopies of the letter and all other documents that I have and send them to as many firends and relatives as possible if I hear of any more lying about this.

My exH and OW have been married a couple of years and I am told that she is now reusing to wear her wedding ring. Her refusal to open her eyes wide about my exH has led her into a marriage with an emotional abuser who is now an alcoholic to boot. I have no idea why these twats have to heap insult onto injury. You would think that what they have done to us would be enough, without trying to make us look like liars too.

I hope that you have company this weekend. The 'meeting with the OW' thing is vile. Try not to let their bullshit effect your life adversely. These bastards may look as if they are winning the odd battle, but I promise you that they will never ever win the war. thanks

Mu1berries Sat 01-Dec-12 16:00:50

A friend of mine who has an ex who has re-written history too said something wise to me. You can tell a lot about their plans for the future by the lies they tell about the past.

What a horrible day for you, choco - well done you for.getting through it!

skyebluesapphire Sun 02-Dec-12 08:47:38

Well done Choco. Difficult day but no way round it , not without making things more unpleasant for everyone.

As said upthread, throw a couple of toddlers into the mix and maybe it won't all be fluffy bunnies for OW.

Jemma1111 Sun 02-Dec-12 21:58:50

How are you today Choco ?

chocoreturns Mon 03-Dec-12 08:26:47

hi, thanks for asking - I'm ok, I feel better now the weekend is over. DS1 hasn't mentioned the OW so she can't have made a huge impression yet. I've also been somewhat occupied with DS2 who has managed to pick up the cracker of a winter bug that's going around sad he's got a runny bum and terrible cough. Went through 8 nappies last night in 2 hours!! We all finally got to bed around 10pm but I don't think we'll be up to much today. Definitely can't take him to playgroup in this state so I think we may all be curling up with some Disney.

Called the ex yesterday to say DS2 had been seen in the out of hours hospital surgery and today (for the first time ever, or at least the first time in a VERY long time) he's asked after the boys outside of 'his' time. I'm glad he's bothered but would also quite like to tell him to naff off to the far side of naff...

Which I will do in fact, when my sol replies to their ridiculous letter from Friday. (The gloves are off!) In the meantime I'll be calm and collected and let him know how the boys are with no drama.

Mu1berries Mon 03-Dec-12 12:22:09

I'm sure your sons were underwhelmed by her crb status alright!

You can respond to their letter with dignity. I remember Liz Hurley's statement in response to yerman steve Bing denying he was her son's father and I thought fair play to you Liz. She set the record straight. Obviously she had to use language like "I believed" but I'm sure she was lucky enough to have a team of lawyers look over it for her. Anyway, that was a tangent confused why did I bring that up!?

Hope your boys are better soon.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas Mon 03-Dec-12 13:47:09

Trouble is, kids are fickle. They like anybody who buys them sweets and reads them a story sad

Ive hated it when DD has come home saying, OW gave me this handbag, OW made cakes with me, OW cuddled me on the sofa and read me a story..... so OW is spending lots of time with XH and DD with her H's approval.....

People just say to me that all I should be concerned with is that DD is happy when she is with him, but when OW is the reason for your marriage falling apart, it is not that easy.......

I texted XH on Thursday to say that DD was ill with a nasty tummy bug and so was I and that he couldnt see her that night. He text back to say that he hoped we both felt better soon. That was it. He didnt enquire after her health again....

I hope your solicitor gives it to them. It would be good to get it in writing that the affair started before he left, even if its for your own sake.

But just remember, your OW is the one with the bad future ahead of her with him, not you.......

chocoreturns Mon 03-Dec-12 16:44:40

oh my ex won't ever ask after the boys between his visits.

I've just had an email to say he's not contactable for over a week due to being on holiday with OW.

DS2 was seen in hospital yesterday morning, but that's my problem apparently.

I hope she has a lovely, lovely time. When she wakes up and realises the man she is dating actually IS the man I married, not the bleeding romeo she's signed up for I will enjoy the moment.

arthriticfingers Mon 03-Dec-12 17:26:45

he's not contactable for over a week due to being on holiday with OW
angry Shitface! - who the f* does he think he is, anyway confused

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