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I was abusive and ignorant.Now i realise i was wrong

(47 Posts)
papa123 Sun 25-Nov-12 11:25:53

my wife has left me a few months ago because i was abusive,controling and underminding her ,we have been together for almost 6 years and been married for nearly 4 years . I love her very much and im sorry for what i did but there is a restrain order and i cannot express myself or talk to her, its killing me .I am doing an idap course for dv and its helping me a lot ,a lot of things that i didnt know or thaught it was normal but no it was dv or emotional abuse .i am so sorry for what i did . I was and still always against any sort of abuse towards woman but beleive me i dont know how i got into this situation ,we were in love and i love her and will do any thing to get her and the kids back .I see them once a week and they are young please help me to get her back

StewieGriffinsMom Sun 25-Nov-12 15:16:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 25-Nov-12 15:14:31

Many thanks for the many reports about this thread. We are suspending it for the time being.
Thanks
MNHQ

OxfordBags Sun 25-Nov-12 15:09:26

Btw, the kind of behaviour that will have got a restraining order taken out against you will have severely traumatised and mentally scarred your children for life; even if they didn't witness it first-hand, just seeing their mother so stressed and terrified will have damaged them. That's before we even discuss how it will have affected her.

I agree with StewieGriffin'sMom about abusers not seeing their children. You stopped being a father that could bring value into their lives the first time you scared and hurt your poor Ex.

Offred Sun 25-Nov-12 15:06:22

I think everyone deserves a second chance Walter but in this case it is patently clear to me this person is not genuine in some way; getting at his wife, made up to bait MN or deluded about himself/his progress.

waltermittymistletoe Sun 25-Nov-12 15:03:23

I was and still always against any sort of abuse towards woman but beleive me i dont know how i got into this situation

This has really fucked me off. You're NOT against it because you are a fucking ABUSER.

You didn't "get into this situation" you PUT YOURSELF in the situation. AND YOUR WIFE. AND YOUR CHILDREN.

How dare you type like this is something that just happened to you? YOU DID THIS.

I'd love to call you every name I can think of for animals like you but somebody will report my post and I want it to stand so people don't get sucked into actually giving you advice because you've done some fucking course and they're stupid enough to think you're deserving of a second chance. BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT.

mcmooncup Sun 25-Nov-12 14:02:17

"I was and still always against any sort of abuse towards woman but beleive me i dont know how i got into this situation"

You need to find the answer as to why you think it is OK to abuse a woman.

There are answers to this question. But the truth will rip everything you believe into tiny pieces and it is probably you are not strong enough to face the truth, very few men are.

Leave your EX wife alone.
Don't be a bastard to your children.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 25-Nov-12 13:54:21

if you had learnt anything at all, you would not be stalking your wife on a forum and using it to attempt to communicate with her.

so go back to that old drawing board matey because if she has any sense what so ever i dont think this is gonna work. If she has finally woken up to the fact you are abusive she clearly has made her decision, and you, well you made your bed. Its all a bit desperate, tacky and woefully inadequate.

why would anyone help you get her back? You are now reaping the consequences of your actions. thats what tends to happen eventually.

now do piss off and get back to your DV course which is so clearly working.
not.

MardyArsedMidlander Sun 25-Nov-12 13:52:18

Ya see- this is why I fking hate courses for domestic abusers. As a police officer said once, it just helps abusers become better at abusing. They learn all the therapy shit language and then use that to further manipulate their victims.
OP if you TRULY had any insight into your actions, you would realise that some things can NEVER be forgiven.

StewieGriffinsMom Sun 25-Nov-12 13:40:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirSugar Sun 25-Nov-12 13:34:24

Its killing you is it? How many times did your wife feel like that? She has been to hell and back with you.

Your post moved me, but in a weird way that I felt like you were my H talking and I feel nothing but contempt for you. I want you to know that even if you feel one bit of the pain and anguish you put me through, It will never be enough - you have broken everything. It tore me apart to break up my family. Now be a decent man and let me get on with my life and be kind and loving to our children when you see them.

You see OP, thats how we abused women feel.

I wish to add that my 'torturer' died several years ago, but I still have the occasional dream nightmare that hes back.

My post feels strangely cathartic.

Jemma1111 Sun 25-Nov-12 12:52:19

The only reason you feel bad is because you have lost control of your wife.

Deep down you don't give a flying fuck about her and we all know that if she ever did take you back it wouldn't be long before you were abusing her and your children again .

Happily though , it looks like you have zero chance of being with her again , she is getting on with her life and she has every right to live it free from you and your abuse .

You only have yourself to blame

There is a restraining order against you. That is how much she doesn't want you to contact her. If you love her even a tiny amount, you will respect her decision and leave her alone. You are abusive, she has escaped. I wish her all the luck in the world.

Sallyingforth Sun 25-Nov-12 12:43:07

OP if you really have come to understand what you put your wife through and you genuinely regret it then you will now be feeling bad. I actually feel sorry for you and I am not going to kick you while you are down - there will be others here queuing up to do just that if you stay on MN.
But the marriage has been broken by you and you cannot mend it. Only your wife can choose to start that process, and from what we have heard that is not going to happen.
All you can do now is to learn from the experience and use it when forming a new relationship so that you do not make the same mistakes again. Good luck.

TranceDaemon Sun 25-Nov-12 12:39:31

Leave her the fuck alone. Seriously. I hope she gets as far away from you as possible. What did you do to get a restraining order? It must have been bad to get to that point. You are STILL being abusive by being here, do you not see that?

Good men don't abuse their partners.

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Sun 25-Nov-12 12:38:15

I will give you some advice:

When you see your children do not ask them about their mum

Do not ask where they live

Do tell them you love them and that you are sorry it came to this

Do not miss any contact access dates

Do not forgot their birthdays or christemas

Do ask about their life - school, friends, activities, likes and dislikes

Do listen to what they say

RESPECT what they say, their feeling and opioins

Do not control what they should think, believel, feel or want.

Read parenting books to help you understand their development stage

Do not laught at them, disrespect them, do not be sacastic, do not put them down or make them feel bad about themselves in any way.

Support them in being themselves

Praise them

Make them feel important to you but do not control them

Be a better person and a better role modle than you have been, everyday even if they cant see you or know.

DO NOT EVER PLAY MIND GAMES WITH YOUR CHILDREN TO GET BACK AT YOUR WIFE

maristella Sun 25-Nov-12 12:37:54

Are you too gutless to come back to this thread OP?

Pickles77 Sun 25-Nov-12 12:36:40

I bet OP doesn't come back now...

Truth and all <shrugs>

scarletforya Sun 25-Nov-12 12:36:26

but there is a restrain order and i cannot express myself or talk to her, its killing me

It's killing you eh?

Well, now you know how it feels to suffer that discomfort every day, get used to it. You only want your wife back to make your discomfort stop don't you?

Well, that's not what's best for her. It's not about you and your regret/pain/discomfort, it's about her now. She deserves a bit of peace and quiet after what you put her through. She doesn't want to be with you. Accept that and leave her alone.

If you really have changed then prove it by leaving her alone and get on with your life. If you are ever lucky enough to meet another woman you can start afresh with what you have learned.

AnyFucker Sun 25-Nov-12 12:32:45

answer this question....is your wife a user of Mumsnet ?

OxfordBags Sun 25-Nov-12 12:32:09

The relationship is over. And a good thing it is too. Amidst all the mememe stuff, have you just once stopped to realise that you have destroyed parts of who your wife is forever? And destroyed parts of your children forever too? That because of your behaviour, there is a much higher probability than any daughters you have will become victims themselves when they grow up and any sons you have will become abusers like you themselves? The law in this country is pretty crap at fully supporting victims of DV, so for you to have a restraining order and everything else in place, means that you must have been really, appallingly, blatantly awful.

Bleating on Mumsnet is just all part of your egomania. Feeling sorry for yourself when you're reaping what you've sown. 100% of the pity in this situation is for your ex and children.

A few months is a ridiculously short time to even begin to imagine you have changed or have understanding of the situation. It's just not psychologically possible. You might have some superficial realisations of how shit you were and are and these are making you hurt. So what you're doing is trying to get her back, being all melodramatic on here, saying you'll do anything etc., which proves that you actually haven't changed at all or really understand what you've done. Trying to get someone else or other to cure your feelings of pain and self-hatred - that's what leads abusers to lie to themselves that their abuse is justified or not so bad, because they make their partner responsible for their feelings and any time you feel anything bad, you lash out. Also, the melodrama and intensity is just another way you justify it; it makes it all seem romantic and dramatic and exciting - but it's just immaturity and silliness.

If you really had any inkling of what you've done and had changed, you'd know that you must never contact her again. And why.

Offred Sun 25-Nov-12 12:29:49

If this is true it is a strange place and thing to post.

It is clear you are in pain but the pain isn't from the loss of your wife but the loss of your victim.

She has a restraining order against you, you can never again be together. You have to recognise that you will never be together again even if you manage to re-educate yourself about your abusive behaviour.

waltermittymistletoe Sun 25-Nov-12 12:27:49

My guess is she is a MNetter and you can't manipulate and abuse her in RL anymore because of the restraining order so you're using this to do it.

Abusers are utter bastards, by the way.

Leave her alone. She is beyond better off without you. I feel sorry for your children still being exposed to you every week.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 25-Nov-12 12:24:40

It's great that you say you're sorry and understand what you did wrong. But that doesn't mean your wife is obliged to take you back, just because you want her to. If you have truly changed there will be benefit to you in future relationships, but it seems very likely this particular ship has sailed. The whole point about abuse is that your needs were put before hers. A truly contrite person would now allow her needs (even if it's not to be with you) to prevail.

TakingBackMonday Sun 25-Nov-12 12:23:25

Leave the poor woman alone.

And stop asking us to help an abusive man regain his control.

WelshMoth Sun 25-Nov-12 12:23:08

I seriously hope you've not followed her here, OP.

You've learnt nothing on your course if that's the case.

If you love her so much, you need to leave her be. She must be terrified of you and no amount of learning for you, will change that fear for her. Think about that.

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