how do you get your self esteem back?

[devilcakes]

So as title says really, How do you do it? How do you get your confidence back? I keep thinking i need love, some to cuddle at night (and through the day!) i know i need to work on myself first but how! Where do you begin!

[MrsjREwing]

I am still struggling, what helps is to rid toxic people from your life.

[sausagesandwich34]

take pride in the little things and recognise the achievements

organising and paying the bills -tick one
Dcs fed and watered -tick 2

and so on

it's bloody hard work

about 4 months after I split with twatface the ex my mum said she was proud of me and I said what the hell for because I knew I was struggling

what she saw was me managing -and smiling which I hadn't done in a long time

[OhWesternWind]

It takes time, thought and a little bit of looking after yourself. I'm not there yet, but I'm unrecognisable from the woman I was two years ago.

I've asked myself this question many times, but I think it will/can happen by itself once you are away from the ex or whoever it is. You DON'T need anyone to cuddle or whatever, you validate yourself and make your own choices and that gives you strenght and confidence. Cuddles and all that can come along later, and be lovely, but the vital thing is that they will be on your terms as much as his. . . Good luck.

[devilcakes]

Sorry should of said split up from p of a fucking long time!! I can do the getting up and dressed, bills paid, dc looked after. Its the night when everyone is gone and its just me and feeling so worthless, everyone thinks im coping so well but they don't know it all. They just see the fake smile!

[sausagesandwich34]

devilcakes are you me?

in the daytime I pretend and almost convince myself so I do know how to do it

and then in the evening when the dcs are in bed and it's just me and mumsnet I get all sniffy and down on myself about the slightest little thing that has gone wrong

I've been single for nearly 4 years now

dated a couple of guys but as soon as they start paying me compliments I'm out of there

I know i'm getting better, I know I will get there but when? I can't answer that one

[Zazzles007]

Devilcakes you wrote that you are 'feeling so worthless' and that is the crux of your problem. Learning to value yourself more is difficult, but once you do, everything (and I mean everything in your life) becomes so much easier, because you are doing the things that make you 'worth it'.

Try reading a couple of books on self esteem. There are a few good ones out there. The one I used is The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. I'm still doing the very simple exercises in the book, but it has literally turned my life around.

Hope this helps.

[devilcakes]

Yes im your subconscious!! :-P
I've been split for about 2-1/2 months now. Its so crap, keep eating my emotions aswell. So not good! Being fat doesn't help.
To scared to date ( Have you read this forum!!lol)
so im screwed for a while then!

[devilcakes]

Thanks will take a look for some books. Can i ask how they have helped to change your life?

[MuckingFunter]

I'm going to get my mitts on a copy of the Six Pillars Book myself, it's got to be worth a try.

Saturday nights are always particularly grim aren't they.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Tiny, baby steps. Then, one day something happens and you realise how far you have come. For me, it was when a mutual friend of ExH's and mine said, "you were so angry all the time". I realised I was angry all the time when I was married to him. Not any more, what a relief. It took a long time, though.

[DaydreamDolly]

It comes from within. A makeover, take time with hair make up clothes, fake it til you make it, works for me.

[devilcakes]

Thank you all for replying. Will fake it till i make it! Love it!! When kids are napping Will look for the book. Im glad to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

You need to learn to love your self, first and foremost, thereafter you can worry whether others love you .

[fayster]

Devilcakes, you sound more positive this morning already!

I had to rebuild my self-esteem over the last year, and I am sooooo much happier being single now than I ever was in the relationship that knocked me down. I'd love to have someone to cuddle up to at night, too, but until I find someone who deserves me, I'd rather be on my own!

You, my lovely, are amazing. You are a loving, caring Mummy to your DCs, and you're managing your household independently. You are also clearly a positive, forward thinking person, who is looking towards a brighter future, and is prepared to do what it takes to get there. All of this is obvious from your posts, and should be real starting point to you realising how great you are.

Sometimes it feels like you aren't coping, because you're exhausted and it feels like you are barely holding it together, but you know what? It doesn't matter how well you are holding it together, what matters is that you are. Chin up, chicken, you're on your way to a fabulous future.