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DP making me feel like a rubbish mum

(63 Posts)
stressednewmama Thu 22-Nov-12 23:16:41

I am a first time mum and my little boy is only a week old so I'm not sure if I'm just being over emotional but DP unintentionally is making me feel like a crap mum.

A few things he has said and done have really upset me. For example when I was trying to bottle feed him a little while ago he looked at me and shook his head. When I asked what was wrong he said 'You. You've got a lot to learn'. When I asked what he meant by it he told me I was holding him wrong. He then carried on criticising me til I handed the baby over to him.

Other times he has joked that he's the mummy and I'm the daddy. I don't think he realises but that really hurts. I already feel like he has bonded with DS more than I have and that little comment compounds it.

I'm sure there are more examples but you get the gist. Not sure what advice I'm expecting. Just needed a rant I think. sad

Reading it back I'm probably overreacting

Narked Sun 25-Nov-12 18:14:37

I hope you can find a way to help him realise how you're hearing & feeling his comments.

How might she do that? By telling him perhaps?

I told him I didn't like the comments he makes and that they upset me. He said he didn't realise and they were only meant as a joke. Then the next day he said exactly the same thing again

The OP posted that. The day before you made your comment hmm

Sioda Sun 25-Nov-12 17:33:28

It doesn't care what anyone said Fastidia. It just wants to SHOUT some more. Ignore...

FastidiaBlueberry Sun 25-Nov-12 17:18:03

Has anyone said "Leave the Bastard"?

lljkk Sun 25-Nov-12 17:13:30

I think that is quite possibly the weirdest thing I have ever read on MN.

Sure, go ahead OP, LEAVE the Bastard on the advice of what a bunch of strangers thought after readeing 300 words you wrote on the Internet. <<Nods Sagely>>. I'm sure that's a wise course of action.

it's amazing how many male poets and authors and artists there are given they're apparently incapable of subtlety and can only communicate like blunt, emotionally inarticulate imbeciles according to some confused

OP stay firm. you're not over reacting or anything of the kind. he is hurting you - you have every right to tell him and to expect him to give a shit and stop doing it. if he doesn't there are bigger worries in your house than the correct way to hold a baby to feed it.

FastidiaBlueberry Sun 25-Nov-12 15:25:01

lljkk is obviously a rabid man-hater who thinks men are too neanderthal to be able to communicate properly with the women they love.

Ignore.

Your man is perfectly capable of grasping how to communicate in a reasonable fashion with a woman he claims he loves who has given birth to his baby.

If he doesn't do it, unless he has a diagnosed or diagnosable condition, it's because he chooses not to.

Men are not inferior to women, they're perfectly able to function as human beings, not fucking monkeys.

Aspiemum2 Sun 25-Nov-12 11:00:25

Seriously lljkk??? He undermined her until she handed over her son and made her feel like she was not capable of feeding her own baby and your answer is that she's taken it the wrong way?? A loving and considerate man would never treat the mother of his child that way.

Those first weeks are nerve wracking and hard enough without constantly feeling you are under scrutiny and the OP said quite enough to ascertain that this is precisely how she feels.

LaCiccolina Sun 25-Nov-12 10:15:34

If feeling very brave show him the thread. U have unanimous support here don't u? He's actually jealous I'd bet. This is a childish way of getting back at u because ur not his exclusive. Men do get weird around a newborn when they realise the time they take up.

Don't pander to it, or make excuses. Tell him u won't b spoken to like this. He's behaving like a child.

Sioda Sun 25-Nov-12 09:59:10

Sorry OP that's so callous of him. When my dd was born I worried about doing things wrong too and used to wonder if she didn't 'like' me because she took forever to make eye contact and smile. My mum could make her laugh much better than me so I did get a bit paranoid that I was a crap mum. I think that's pretty normal<hopefully>. Those first few weeks are so hard. It really does get better. She's 6 months now, things are so much easier and I don't worry about bonding anymore! She laughs and smiles and looks to check with me when she's worried about somethingsmile You'll get there too. I can't imagine dealing with those feelings when the person who's supposed to be most supportive of you is criticizing you instead and joking about baby being closer to him than you. Any normal person wouldn't dream of doing that. He's not your teacher he's your partner. Nasty bastard X 8.

Ignore lljkk and anyone else who comes out with sexist crap about poor men and their innocent facts and BLUNTNESS being taken up wrong by their hormonal hysterical wimmins... Posters like that haven't read what you posted because they don't care what you said. They just have an agenda and they like to SHOUT about it.

Snazzyfeelingfestive Sun 25-Nov-12 09:33:21

He has been told. Remind him next time. 'I told you I didn't like you undermining me, so why are you doing it again?' Then tell him something he can do to genuinely help, eg clean bottles, put a load of washing on, make you a cup of tea. He's not the expert any more than you are - you are both learning. And the first few weeks should be his time to be fully supportive and not criticise.

lljkk Sun 25-Nov-12 09:24:42

It seems to me like OP has written precious little to base that on.

Leverette Sun 25-Nov-12 09:18:00

lljkk - he's been told already, denied responsibility "it's a joke", and did it again. A non-abusive person would be mortified that they'd hurt the feelings of their loved one, especially about something so important as care of the new baby, and make sure they didn't do it again!

MonthlyAFIWish Sun 25-Nov-12 09:14:46

Nasty bastard x 7
Try and contact the midwife/hv saying you need to speak to her alone, tell her everything you have told us.

Agree you are feeding him perfectly as he has survived 7 days.

lljkk Sun 25-Nov-12 09:07:26

I imagine you are (understandably) fragile so maybe taking things too much to heart. We all know how BLUNT men can be in saying what they think are innocuous factual statements. And the mummy-daddy thing would just sound like a silly joke to me.

I hope you can find a way to help him realise how you're hearing & feeling his comments.

Grumpla Sun 25-Nov-12 09:04:34

You've had a lot of good advice already and obviously a few days in is not the moment to be assessing your future with this man - but file this away to think about when you are stronger.

And believe me you will get stronger. Nothing like having a baby for that! smile

In the meantime treasure these first few days with your baby. You are your baby's whole world right now. You need to be tucked up in bed together gazing, feeding and loving each other.

And one day soon you can think about the kind of person who sees a mum with her new baby and instead of bursting with love and pride decides to choose that moment to stomp all over her feelings.

I think the only kind of person who would do that is a right fucking cunt, personally.

Leverette Sun 25-Nov-12 08:54:03
Leverette Sun 25-Nov-12 08:52:56

That old chestnut.....so he can criticise you for not being able to take a joke.

He knows full well what he's doing.

Have a look at the emotional abuse thread - the links at the beginning.

stressednewmama Sat 24-Nov-12 19:49:34

Yes he's back at work in a few days. Didn't get a chance to talk to the midwife today because he was here.

I told him I didn't like the comments he makes and that they upset me. He said he didn't realise and they were only meant as a joke. Then the next day he said exactly the same thing again hmm sad

ThreeTomatoes Sat 24-Nov-12 17:41:45

It might not have been my mum. It sounds like nonsense, but keep an eye out, you'll see what i mean. It doesn't mean they can't hold and cuddle babies of course. My male friends with children tended to hold babies in a different way, not curved on their backs in the crooks of their arms, but say on their tummy along their arm, or over their shoulder, or resting on chest, etc. You rarely see men holding babies in the crook of the arm. Am i just talking completely nonsense? grin

Anyway it's digressing from the OP - OP it sounds like your DP is on a mission to really undermine you and make you feel shit from the outset. sad Is he on paternity leave atm and do you have ML planned for yourself? If he's returning to work, don't worry before long you'll be the one with the upper hand wink

Lovingfreedom Sat 24-Nov-12 13:38:45

Lol....my mum told me that men's arms are specifically designed for killing deer, taking out bins and masturbation. Tell the nasty git to get busy with one of those and leave you alone. Xx

Kundry Sat 24-Nov-12 12:59:27

Sorry but your mum was making it up about men's arms - however the Op's partner is still a shit.

Hope you're OK OP, could you talk to your midwife or health visitor privately about this?

ThreeTomatoes Sat 24-Nov-12 12:38:34

fwiw, you know what, women's arms are actually designed differently to men's, in order to be able to hold a baby comfortably, men's arms bend in a different way that is actually a bit awkward for holding baby in the traditional way. true, dat, although i can't find any evidence online of this!! I think my mum told me. But seriously, try to watch a man holding a baby, on its back, in the crook of his arm, it's awkward!

In any case, he's talking utter shite.

ImperialBlether Sat 24-Nov-12 12:21:17

OP, to your baby, you are everything. You're his world, everything he's known.

You need time alone with the baby. Talk to him a lot, tell him what you're doing, what you're feeling. Tell him you love him. Stroke the baby and talk to him in a gentle voice. Hold him close against you, with his head on your chest, so that he can hear the familiar sound of your heartbeat. When he's awake, look at him and watch him try to focus. Hold your face against his and whisper to him.

Don't let this bastard prevent you from bonding with your child.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 23-Nov-12 21:44:53

How are you op? Hope you're ok xx

are you still out there OP? how are you feeling in light of the fairly unanimous responses?

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