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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Help please I am desperate

60 replies

Ihavemessedup · 22/11/2012 01:57

I don't know if anyone else is up? I have done a stupid bad thing and I am now feeling I have nothing left to love for.
I have had a short affair. Caught an sti.
OM doesn't want to know. Says we aren't meant to be together. He also caught it. We don't know who it came from. Both been tested safe. (And seen results).

There is no way back from this. My husband will obv catch it too and therefore know.

Why should I hang around.

The kids will surely find out.

My life is not worth living.

Altho if I am posting maybe I care?

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Ihavemessedup · 22/11/2012 01:58

live for

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Ihavemessedup · 22/11/2012 02:01

I called the Samaritans because I am having stupid thought. The guy just said oh dear. After 8 minutes I hung up

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mathanxiety · 22/11/2012 02:02

Have you had an actual diagnosis?

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Ihavemessedup · 22/11/2012 02:05

I went to an sti clinic today. Had blood tests. She gave me all the info about it and I said is it def that (herpes. No cure) she looked at me, put her head to one side and said they need to wait for the blood test but it is looking like it. I have googled it to death. We both have all the symptoms. I am in no doubt.

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lisad123 · 22/11/2012 02:07

It's late, please don't do anything rash and try and stay calm.
How long till results?

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Ihavemessedup · 22/11/2012 02:11

I am so not calm right now. I am truly heartbroken and know it is crazy but really thought I was going to be with the OM forever. Now he won't even talk to me. I feel like a fool. I told my OH I want a separation at the weekend (because was planning to be with OM). I don't need to wait or the tests. I know it's that. I have a cold sore on my mouth which is a way of passing it on and we were intimate the day before the cold sore erupted which is apparently prime time to have/catch/pass on. I am a fool and this is my comeuppance but I just feel like dying.

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lisad123 · 22/11/2012 02:15

I have no advice that I can give without sounds like a judgey cow so am going but please remember that you have children that need you, and no man is ever worth losing them over

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mathanxiety · 22/11/2012 02:33

Herpes 1 (HSV1/cold sores) are not the same as herpes 2 (HSV2/genital herpes). Yes, you can cross infect, but chances are you both had the virus before now and it was dormant.

You could have either of the infections and it could be dormant for years, then have a breakout for a lot of reasons, including emotional stress or being generally run down.

People were going to know about your decision to split up with your OH anyway, if you were already making plans to be with the OM. That includes the children. There is no reason the children should know anything about the herpes (if that's what you have).

Don't do anything rash because this twat of a man has let you down. There is more to this than just how you feel about yourself or how he feels about you. Children need a mother herpes or no herpes.

People live with herpes. They have functional lives and relationships.

Your OH will have a choice to make when you tell him the result of your test but chances are you have already been living your lives around your herpes 1 anyway. Does he know you were having an affair? Do either of you have any inkling why you were having the affair?

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AgentFelix · 22/11/2012 03:58

I hope you feel a little better after reading math's post about herpes.

I won't go into details on here but I will admit to being in a very similar situation to you at one time. I was suicidal as well but that feeling passes with time.

Please don't do anything to harm yourself. Nobody would want that, I promise.

Things are not as hopeless as they seem x

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scaevola · 22/11/2012 06:43

You say you have already told OH you want a separation: who is moving out and when?

As the relationship with him is over anyhow, then telling him about an STI (if indeed you have acquired the herpes II as well) will be unpleasant, but not really change things. There is no need to alter what you have already decided to tell the DCs, as details of parental affairs can easily be too much even for quite large children.

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Ihavemessedup · 22/11/2012 07:08

He wouldn't accept a separation. He just can't understand as we have had a good marriage. Stupidly I was only leaving for the OM. Now I have no choice.

I feel pretty desperate right now

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NoraGainesborough · 22/11/2012 08:05

So are you saying that, now you know OM is a wanker, you want to stay?

If OM had dumped you but there was no Sti what would you do?

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ErikNorseman · 22/11/2012 08:18

Facial cold sores are not an STI. They are if they appear on the genitals but if you have been infected on your face you can't transfer it to your genitals.

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Ihavemessedup · 22/11/2012 08:24

If OM had dumped me and there was no sti I would try and work things out in what has essentially been a good marriage for 20 yrs. I have been stupid.

I have a cold sore on my mouth and also blisters/sores 'down there' as does OM. Plus all the other symptoms.

Sti clinic was pretty sure it is herpes.

It says in many places on the Internet that if you hve a cold sore and have oral sex it can become genital herpes. Seems like I am a prize fool.

I have done the school run and pulled over. I can't drive like this.

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Whocansay · 22/11/2012 08:30

Wait for your test results. Then once you know if you are infected or not, come clean to your husband. Whatever the results are, he may forgive you and want to move forward.

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worldgonecrazy · 22/11/2012 08:33

What you are saying is that you are only wanting to stay with your husband because the OM has dumped you, and that your marriage was essentially good for 20 years. I don't believe you, because if your marriage had been good, then you would not have needed to have an affair. There is something wrong in your marriage that needs fixing, and you have joined up all the small cracks in your marriage into one great big huge hole, and I don't know how you fix that hole.

You could try honesty, but that is a big ask of your husband. Trust has been smashed, and with the added STI, it would take a big man indeed to work through the problems.

You could continue the lies and deny all knowledge of how you caught the STI. Herpes can stay dormant for many years and be triggered by stress, and many people, around 75% (not sure of the exact figure) carry the virus and have no symptoms at all.

It's possible for Type 1 and Type 2 to transfer between the mouth and genitals, though only swabs of sores will distinguish which infection it is.

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Ihavemessedup · 22/11/2012 08:41

Truth be told I was bored and I guess I thought the grass is greener and I want fun.

What a lesson I've learned. The kids don't need me messing Up in their lives any further

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Leverette · 22/11/2012 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JenaiMathis · 22/11/2012 08:47

People in otherwise OK relationships do have affairs. They think the other man/woman is someone they're not, have a bit of a mid-life crisis.

It's not nice but it happens and it happens to ordinarily decent people.

Please don't be too hard on yourself.

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Ihavemessedup · 22/11/2012 08:55

I don't think the gp can help?

Yes I thought he was something he quite clearly is not. I have been in love with him for 28 years. I won't get over this.

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JenaiMathis · 22/11/2012 09:02

In a bit of a rush so forgive brevity, but you will get over this.

Think very carefully before telling your husband (if and how). It would be good if you could talk to a neutral person irl about this; I don't know who to suggest though sorry.

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Oldandindie · 22/11/2012 09:04

I couldn't read and leave!
I have no advise on Herpes BUT I can give you in graphic detail the sheer horror of trying to cope when a close family member chooses to end their life because they believe there's no other way out . I promise you that however bad YOU feel right now it will be nothing compared to how a child , sister, parent feels when they get that news completly out of the blue. The feeling of family left behind is often one of guilt because , as often said in my family, there is nothing worse than knowing you could of helped with an issue and were not given that chance! Please don't think I'm judging you . I'm not but three years after my darling B killed himself because of debt ( I could of paid it) we struggle everyday . My parents grew old overnight , his daughter has enormous problems and I miss him like crazy. So please please please get help, talk to your GP and DH .... Xxx

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Guiltypleasures001 · 22/11/2012 09:22

Hi Op

I have lost children, and as a bereaved parent you dont get over it truly you dont. There needs to be some perspective on this, I believe you are feeling shame, guilt and rejection by the other man. You must feel utterly betrayed and shit.

Now if you could think for one second how it would feel if you could times that by a thousand and that is how your children, parents and family would feel and continue to feel for the rest of their lives if you decided to stop the world and get off...

From my prespective and I appreciate I am not you, if I was your family and you were no longer here, andc I found out the reason you checked out, I would have wished that you had come to me and tried to sort through this. There is nothing that cannot be sorted out or got through, yes things will change, or things might get better you dont know, but you are seeing the worse case scenario, and it is fear that is making you do this.

I agree there would have been underlying problems in your marriage, that would have caused you to seek comfort or excitement elsewhere, it is not a hanging offence, and even though for the other person it sucks, you are still and individual and as a human being we all make mistakes.

I have been where you think you are op, I wanted to kill myself with drink and pills, drive a car in to a brick wall because the pain was a psysical thing and I thought I couldnt bare it anymore, I cant bring back my kids, but to take an only child away from my parents was the one thing I couldnt do, I am 17rs down the line from that, and I think about it everyday. There is nothing about this situation you cannot deal with or endure without either help from us on here, the gp a counsellor or your family, trust me there are those of us on here that know.

Please take this one step at a time, go to your gp and talk about seeing a counsellor and get some support, a close friend anyone else you can trust.

To anyone on here who thinks it is going to be ok to bash this lady, please think twice before you judge her, there are much bigger things at stake than getting a point across.

good luck op x

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Ihavemessedup · 22/11/2012 09:41

Thank you all for posting. It helps me even tho you are strangers to me.

I am in shock. I feel numb. I think I am slightly more together than to do anything stupid at the moment. And I am sorry for the pain of those who wrote it. My best friends sister took her life at 21 many years ago. I have seen the effects it had on the entire family and still does. Yet I felt it was my only option.

I am devastated about OM and that he can leave me in this way and emotional state. Devastated. And it doesn't make it easier because he just says he is bad news for me and always has been. That we hve too many hurdles to get over and he doesnt want the guilt of me leaving my husband for him. He has only ever loved me but it just can't work. Blah blah blah. What a coward. But that doesn't help.

I feel sick that i now have to tell my good husband I have caught an sti.

I don't know whether to divorce him anyway so that he never finds out.

I just feel awful and don't know what to do next.

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Guiltypleasures001 · 22/11/2012 10:09

Hi Op

I am relieved to hear you have pulled back from the brink, and are starting to ask questions about what you can do.

Can I suggest that for now, until you have all the bits of the puzzle eg diagnosis, treatment etc, you re frain from making any big life changing decisions right away.

Start with this, who knows what? what does DH know or suspect, you said you asked for a seperation or a divorce is that right? if so what was his reaction?

Do you feel able while the kids are at school, to sit down with a cuppa, and write down how you felt in your marriage, you mentioned the other man and loving him for 28yrs, can you give any more details about this. If you can seperate the issues as they stand, then there is less chance of lumping them all together and seeing them as this crisis that cant be sorted out.

if you look at this logically (sp) if you had not caught an sti then you and the OM might have been making plans to be together, and dh would have known anyway, because I presume this might have been the end plan?

Now it might be the the OM might have got cold feet, and this sti thing is a red herring and has given him an excuse to walk away. That is his issue and you have no control over that, he might have down this anyway, either way he might have left. Sometimes the fanatasy of something is better than the reality and this is what might have happened for him.

It sounds like as well, and correct me if I am wrong, that you are more devastated over his loss, than maybe the sti, because the sti and the consequences for dh have been pushed to the front and have to be dealt with more quickly than maybe you wanted? this is not a judgement but me thinking out loud, to see where things actually might be in you world right now.

The last thing I will say is this, this is your life and only you know what you want, I am only interested in you and your kids, and your continued staying around for them. Affairs and sti's are of no consequence because there are bigger things at stake. Make your decisions based on you and not your DH, this is a selfish act yes, but you DH and the OM are grown ups your kids are not, and they come first no matter what.

People make unwise choices op, I dont think for one minute that you would have done or gone through with any of this , if you had any idea this would be the result. but it has happened and you will deal with it, because the other choice is far far worse.

x