Fuming. Crap ex H has no interest in our DC...

[MulliganandOHare]

We're separated. He never took an interest when we were together, so I don't know why I'm so disappointed, but WTAF...? Are some dads like this?

I have to ask him when he's going to see them. Then it's always 'oh, I'm REALLY busy this weekend (ie off to a fucking match etc). He took them to his mum's for an hour on Sat, then dropped them back saying 'Oh, I've got to go, I need to fix the fence in the garden'

An hour. In a week. The DC (early school age) always make things for him, save cakes for him. God I feel so awful for them. He only lives round the corner... And he tells me how hard it is??

Fucking fuming. I am being very unmumsnetty and crying for them ATM. Why is he like this? I just don't get it!!

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

Well, the short answer is 'because he's a selfish prick'. I appreciate that it's horrible when DC are old enough to be upset by his behaviour but unfortunately, while arsehole dads can insist on their rights when it comes to seeing their DC , it's not possible to force lazy, self-obsessed ones to engage with DC when they don't want to (and, to be fair, it wouldn't do a child any good to spend time with a resentful parent who doesn't want to be there.)

WHat does sometimes happen with inadequate men like this is that, at some point in the future they get a new girlfriend, wail and whine about how 'bitch won't let me see my kids' and all of a sudden they are trying to muscle into your life and make demands. So the best advice I can offer is: get everything sorted out with a solicitor and a schedule agreed, and keep detailed notes of every time he fucks up and messes you around, against that day in the future when he decides to present himself as a misunderstood SuperDad.

[MulliganandOHare]

Thanks Solid. There are many diarised accounts of his previous crap behaviour, and yes I need to update these. It's almost like he's doing ME a favour by 'babysitting' them. Always has been...

And you're right, I don't think they have the best of times when they're with him.

[TiredBooyhoo]

you have me sympathies OP. i am dealing with such a person. it sucks. and SGB is right. now that exp has new fiance and house, he has informed me that he'll be having the dcs all the time now (why couldn't he before??)

[Teabagtights]

Don't rely on him for anything, let your kids know in words and actions they have a parent that loves them. Children don't need two parents just one that's the best they can be.

[MulliganandOHare]

TBH I have had to do this throughout our marriage. He expects love and attention without ever giving any. My solicitor (diamond) told me that one parent who is loving, constant and gives unconditional love is better than having the other parent in their lives who creates a feeling of negativity and angst. I was going to go for sole custody because of his impact on their well being but then folk talk of the children's 'rights' to be with their father. Thanks Teabag. This is so hard.

[Teabagtights]

Children come first and what's best for them. If they are unhappy it's our job to put that right.

[MulliganandOHare]

I guess I expect intelligent, informed people to think the same as me. I really don't know how he sleeps at night. No conscience probably...

[MulliganandOHare]

Tired - so weird! Why want that now and not before? Very odd. And we have to deal with the backlash. IMO if he doesn't want to make an effort now (Christ like it's a chore!) he will have to make a very convincing case to want to be part of their lives later.

[TiredBooyhoo]

he did 'joke' that he was actually thinking of moving to canada with new fiancee and dcs! this is after me caring for them alone for 5.5 of the last 7.5 years because he has a career (fair enough but you had kids first-like me!) and him only having them a total of about 15 (i'm being generous here) nights in their lives which has all happend since may. i found his joke really funny tbf to him he said he would pay for my flights to come and visit them.

[MulliganandOHare]

Don't they just love the bombshell comments... Reaction? Nah. My ex tries to make his life as dramatic as possible to suit his own needs - ie controlling and bullying. I know he is devoid of morals and ethics. But that still doesn't stop me seething. Selfish twat.

[TiredBooyhoo]

the advice i give to my friend who is in a similar situation is to try and let it roll over her head because it isn't really her it's him either looking for a reaction or just being comletely selfish. either way it's not a reflection on her. (he is very abusive though so maybe not quite the same)

[fengirl1]

I would second Tired - and add don't ever slag him off in front of the children.... They will work it out for themselves in the end.

[ccarpenton]

I don't get it either. But he's not alone in his indifference. My Dad didn't speak to me for 10 years, then just showed up one day and started talking like nothing had happened.

My husband, however, is utterly devoted to our little girl. I'm not sure what creates the difference between men that care and men that don't. Other than my Dad spends a lot of time in the pub and my husband doesn't drink.

My opinion? Find them another father figure.

(By the way, what does 'WTAF' stand for?)

[TiredBooyhoo]

what the actual fuck = WTAF