new person and christmas

[joblot]

Reading another thread has prompted me to post. I would very much appreciate people's opinions on my situation.

I've been seeing gf for 4 months. We're both women. She's got a very close group of friends (including her ex of 10 years) who I haven't met yet- she knows I'm uncomfortable with this and now I write it down I'm feeling crap again. Anyway, back to xmas. Last year I spent it alone and it was pretty shitty. I has a few offers but none that would have been pleasant. My dad is in a very unhealthy marriage so going there is a no no. This year's options not looking good. So I assked gf what she was doing- xmas eve to family with her good mate (who's an ex from decades ago and now also gay) then spending xmas day with him too.

Aibu to feel fed up? I'm not a Christian, no kids, so xmas isn't special as such but I feel the pressure and feel like a freak actually because I'm at a loose end. I have lovely friends but they have traditions and I don't want to impose or haven't been asked.

[TobyLerone]

YANBU to feel fed up, of course.

However, your relationship is new and it's understandable that your GF has made plans for Christmas which don't include you.

[joblot]

Thanks. Think I need to get a grip and get organized. I am getting the impression her friends will always come first but it's such early days I can't know this and maybe actually there's a lesson on it for me

[TobyLerone]

Yep, it does sound like there is a lot more to your issues regarding this relationship than just what she's doing for Christmas.

If there is a lesson to be learnt it is probably 'be more independent'. It's natural to want to spend special occasions with your partner, but it's not always going to be possible and it shouldn't feel like an obligation.

People who have an active social life and many friends are very attractive to others.

Could you maybe look into volunteering somewhere over Christmas? I did this last year because my DP was going to his mum's and I didn't want to go.

[joblot]

It has just prodded a wound I think. I feel utterly disposable and irrelevant. Ah well, keep going. I can see voluntarywork is good but I work in social care and I think it would be a busmans holiday plus could exacerbate feeling shite. I feel enormous pressure from all the happiness on display at the moment. It just gets worse as xmas gets closer

[TobyLerone]

I really feel for you. Honestly, I do. I have been in a relationship where I felt like that. In the end I ended it because it was making me feel shit.

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. It can't get much worse for you and it might just make her think more about your feelings.

[PotteringAlong]

I didn't spend Christmas with my DH until the year after we were married. That meant 5 Christmases, including one when we were engaged, apart.

I thunk you're reading too much into this.

[BerylStreep]

Can you tell gf that you'll be at a loose end on Xmas day and could she include you in her plans?

[joblot]

I've tried and I think perhaps we want different things. It's uncomfortable being the one bringing stuff up- feels rather needy and unreasonable. I think I'm getting the message though and it has been lovely but maybe not enough. That's a scary thought, makes me think I'm a relationship failure.

Feel a bit of a prat- I'm 47 ffs not 17.

Thanks for your comments toby

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

Why not plan a seriously hedonistic, indulgent Christmas for yourself? Favourite foods/drinks, good books or DVDs, buy yourself some luxry loungewear and spend the day doing exactly what you fancy.

[HissyByName]

Sweety, your GF should WANT to be with you at christmas. She's not good enough for you love.

I bang on all the time about Transition Man, the one to learn from, and move on from, well this is YOUR Transition Woman.

YOU need to sit with yourself, and say out loud if need be, that YOU deserve better, that THIS is not good enough and that YOU will end it.

YOU are not the failure, she is NOT the one. End it and move on.

What you learn here is to understand that your needs need to be met, and that to be with someone, they have to put you on a priority list, or you will keep going.


Once you learn this, you will feel stronger, knowing that you put yourself first, so that others will do in the future.

Have faith in you. I don't know you personally, but I know that your previous relationships were not healthy, and that you will have had your self esteem eroded by these damaged people.

Put yourself first, understand that Alone is better than in a Crappy Couple.

SGB speaks sense, give yourself a really great christmas, do something to make your heart BURST.

[izzyizin]

SGB's hedonistic Christmas is a good plan - as is one spent in Morocco or Turkey

If you're going to spend the actual day home alone, make sure it is seriously indulgent and make it painless by foregoing decorations, buying in the best non-seasonal fare, and not putting the tv on until Boxing Day

[joblot]

thank you all. yes hissy i know. but cant help thinking Im the common denominator in all these failed relationships

and I feel so alone at the moment- shes a good person, just different priorities to me. i thouhgt i'd give it a few more months- given it is still early days- it's just the christmas pressure creeping up on me. as Im sure it is with lots of people

[HissyByName]

The common denominator is YOUR LOW SELF ESTEEM. That is fixable. You need to believe in yourself more.

You sound like a truly caring, intelligent and articulate woman, anyone would be LUCKY to have you. Bollocks to anyone that can't see that!

You need to ask more of life for yourself, you deserve it.

End the thing, go on the super dooper christmas thingy and treat yourself in all ways possible, get used to caring for yourself and then that is what you will expect of others.

I found that when I dumped the bloke I was seeing, the one that I had to call the cops on.... yes him. When I realised that I could see odd ball, or not good enough and that I had the right to end the relationship. Doing that gave me so much power back.

the next date I went out with was a revelation, I was cool, calm and not a hint of nerves. The lack of me worrying if I was good enough for him meant that I had like a force field that protected me against all those that would try to control me or have some kind of power agenda with me in mind.

Recovery from dysfunctional relationships has no short cuts, you have to do it all in steps.

This is probably your last hurdle. When you are ready, you will meet Ms Right. This woman you are seeing, is better than the last one, and better than the nutter it took you so much effort to free yourself from.

The next one will be even better.

I am loved up atm, I've been with a wonderful guy for 7m. I hope he's the one, but I know that if it doesn't work out, there is a reason and that the next guy will be even better. So I'm not going to cling. I trust what is coming my way, cos I know I have the strength to navigate myself away from harm.

[joblot]

you are making me sigh. you are possibly right. any more hurdles and i shall break a limb though.

thanks for your comments too. and your continuing advice hissy

i am very pleased that your relationship is thriving. jealous, but pleased. and i imagine he makes you feel loved and valued, which after all, is pretty much the point of an intimate relationship

more sighing

[HissyByName]

YOU WILL GET THERE... you are no different to me, we both had the same issues, remember?

Have faith, this is the tough bit, but trust me, you WILL get there. You are learning. What you learn now is your protection for the future. It's worth it.

[TobyLerone]

You sound lovely, OP. You deserve a lovely relationship.

TALK TO HER! You have nothing to lose.

[joblot]

Well I've got more of a grip - all your straight talking kindness and advice have been most helpful. Have arranged for a friend to come over on 'the day' and am working on the indulgences.

Feel more in control and less of a saddo. Will talk to gf and stop trying so hard to please. Thanks again for your inputs

[TobyLerone]

Excellent! You can have a lovely day with your friend. Buy some delicious food, play a board game or a video game, watch some films...

My XH always has the DC on Christmas Day, so I'm used to trying to find nice things to do. One year I went with some single friends and one of my sisters to the pub. We all wore our pyjamas :o Then we came home, had cheese and biscuits and played Rock Band. It was the best Christmas Day ever :)

This year, DP and I will be all alone and will do much the same thing.

[joblot]

sounds good toby

still feel lonely but organised lonely at least