My only sibling and I have never really got on. Superficially it's been ok since we left home but we are not close.
Our Dad died a long time ago. Our mother has always been scrupulously 'fair' to us but there has been a lot of jealously nonetheless - perhaps because her fairness feels a bit, well, loveless? (As an example, I have often made a big fuss over her on her birthdays and Christmas and try to visit regularly, and my bro does very little and rarely goes to see her, yet on my birthday she always gives me a bit of cash and assures me it is exactly the same as she gave my brother. I really don't care about the value - I would just rather have something more personal, something for me iyswim). My brother & I have both had various issues with her over the years but we have never been able to speak to each other about it.
Now my mother is getting older and lives alone (widowed a second time). I suggested she get POA set up. However, when she set it up she insisted that my bro would also have POA, even though she didn't seem to be 100% sure about it. I was not comfortable about this but put it down to silly jealousy.
Since then my relationship with my brother has deteriorated sharply. He just doesn't seem to get what she needs and his behaviour is frankly weird. For example, she had a dizzy spell and a fall on the same day she was supposed to be having lunch with him and his family on his birthday. She managed to call an ambulance and was admitted to hospital. He just went ahead with his birthday lunch, and I only found out when I went round to give him his present later that evening - and then only after we had been chatting for about an hour did he think to mention it. I dropped everything, went to see her (200 mile round trip), got her some clean clothes and book - you know! She was in hospital for several days and was really shaken by what had happened.
He is also pretty grasping. I found out the other day that he had taken petrol money off her when he took her home after a family funeral. I had driven her to the funeral (same mileage) because I knew she was nervous about making her own way. During the funeral I heard him talking about his upcoming skiing holiday and the camera he had just bought for 3k. These are luxuries I couldn't even dream of!
Another time he organised a significant birthday party for her at my suggestion (I was expecting us to go 50/50, as we have done before when I've done the organising) which was really expensive, then made her pay every penny of the expenses herself even though she was frantically worried about the cost and asked several times to cancel it - he refused to cancel it and he wouldn't even discuss it with me. I then provided an expensive patisserie cake so that she could at least cut the meal down to two courses (which the caterers were happy for us to do) but he accepted my cake and still ordered dessert which she then had to pay for.
I know she was upset about it because she didn't invite him to a smaller gathering at her house for her local friends but he turned up anyway! This was really annoying for me because I had already arranged to be there without my children so that I could help and I spent the party in the kitchen while he enjoyed the party with his family, and then my mum felt she had to provide them with a meal before they went home even though she must have been exhausted.
I honestly don't think he is malicious - just a bit misguided, and he likes to be 'in control' - but I can't bear the idea of sharing the POA with someone who I can't communicate with and who has such different views on how to relate to our mum. It will be a disaster. There will be massive, massive arguments.
I eventually plucked up the courage to ask my mum to reconsider but although she knew what I was on about she doesn't want to upset him, doesn't want to be 'unfair'. Her fall-back position is that I'm being over-sensitive. Well, it's sensitive subject!
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to 'borrow trouble from tomorrow' but I might regret not sorting this out. I've even considered relinquishing my right to POA.
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Relationships
Not sure what to do - shared Power of Attorney. Long.
RivalSibling · 18/11/2012 16:10
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