My BF of years and years has told me some home truths and I don't know if we can survive. Very upset :(
She has been going through a rough time - her DH had an affair. The marriage has been in trouble for years and years for various reasons. She decided to divorce him even though she didn't want to, and he kept on saying he wanted to come back but wasn't sure it would work with them.
This was 9 months ago. Meanwhile she has been changing her mind almost weekly on what to do.
During most of this time I have been supportive but as time went on I began to say things which she didn't like- mainly mentioning some of the stuff she'd done which I felt pushed him away over the years. I know this doesn't excuse for a minute his affair but - without going into details- the marriage was volatile to put it lightly.
My friend had not been in touch for weeks recently and I guessed why. I decided to phone her and it's all come out. She felt I was intentionally hurting her with my comments. This wasn't my intention but I was trying to make her see that there was fault on both sides, in a way to ask if the marriage was worth saving. FWIW she had 5 years of counselling years ago and the counsellor told her she ought to end the marriage - not what they should say but she did.
We've just had a huge row- her shouting at me down the phone- after not talking for over a month. I am very upset. tearful. I told her that she'd hurt me by withdrawing and she said she was just limiting the hurt to her because she felt my comments lately had been hurtful.
However what really hurts me is that when I said I had found her unsupportive in the past when my marriage was in trouble, her reply was that she thought I'd brought that on myself. (I had an emotionall affair but this was after years of being unhappy in my long marriage.) Is that a really cruel thing to say? She said that if the chips had really been down for me she'd have been more supportive. I said that how could she judge how unhappy I'd been and choose to measure her support accordingly?
I don't know where we go from here. She said we might have to end the friendship if can't understand how she feels- or talk but not talk about her marriage- or divorce- not sure what is happening now.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can I save this friendship and how?
13 replies
Mrsimperfect · 17/11/2012 10:38
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.