Low Self Esteem

[GirlfromMars82]

Apologies for the long post...

I had to leave my home a week ago with my baby daughter as my husband lost his temper. I was unwell and wanted to call my Mum to go over to her as I needed help as my husband has not been a hands on parent and has never even changed a nappy since the birth of our baby girl. He has grown up in another country in a family where the women do everything for the men. He took objection to me wanting to call my Mum, he threw my phone against the wall, told me I was an unfit mother that I should be able to cope and I was insane. I told him I was leaving with our daughter and then it's all a bit of a blur but he was grabbing me with force to stop me going, he threw another phone against the wall and I believe he also pushed me. I managed to finally get to another phone and called my Dad asking him to pick me up. My husband would not let us leave with my daughter and the police were called though in the meantime my husband did let us leave with her. My husband is very angry with my parents for interfering.

The policemen who spoke to me were lovely and insisted that it was domestic abuse. I have never considered myself a victim of domestic abuse, before this incident there were a couple of smaller incidences in pregnancy and one after the birth of our daughter. The police said that they would have to arrest him which I do not want and though they wanted me to make an official statement they were lovely and said I did not have too. So my husband was taken to the station but released without charge.

My husband called me a few days later to ask if we could meet to work out where we go from here. I met him hoping for some kind of remorse but instead he said that we should seperate as this would happen again and that it was us as a couple were the problem and he did not think he had any anger problems, I had not been a victim of domestic abuse and therefore this would not happen again with someone else. He also implied that the police did not think I had been a victim of domestic abuse once he had explained his side. If my husband had shown willingness to get help I would have probably been willing to give things another go but he has now taken any control away from me.

I feel so low now, my self esteem has been knocked so much that I really do feel he is right and that I am a rubbish mother and I feel a failure as a wife as well. I miss him so much as well and I just don't know how I can move on with my life. He wants to see our daughter and I know that is going to be hard for me as I hurt so much I can't bear the thought of seeing him and us not being together. I have often been feeling quite low since the birth of my beautiful daughter I think it was more baby blues than post natal depression though I think the lack of help at home made things worse. I can't help but think if I'd kept myself together a bit more we might have been ok.

I know that posting on this forum will not solve anything but I just wanted to talk about this with someone other than immediate family and friends. I'd be grateful to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How will I get through this? How do I get my self esteem back? I'm trying to keep myself together for my baby girl but it's so difficult.

[rhondajean]

Oh big hugs to you, I couldn't leave you unanswered.

He's playing with your head, he lost it, he assaulted you, he got into trouble, the police would not "justify" it because of some thing you said or did.

What is the current situation? Are you together at the moment? There are lots of people on here with good advice, but please, you cannot letter him come home if this is how he acts. When you don't jump he gets violent, and it's escalating. You must look after you and dd.

[GirlfromMars82]

Thanks for responding. I have not gone back to the home, my husband is staying there currently and I have no desire to go and live there without him as the house holds too many bad memories for me now. I wouldn't have gone back to him unless he was willing to get some help but he has written the marriage off now anyway. The strange thing about his decision though is that he has not been telling his family and friends that we are no longer together. I told one of his sisters (not in much detail as didn't want to hurt his family) what has happened as I did not want them to be lied to.

I have not told many people myself as I am still hoping for some sort of miraculous turnaround. Realistically though as he still blames me I guess this is never going to happen. After writing this post last night I started to think about some of the lousy things he has done in our relationship over the years that I never told friends or family aboit and some of the things he told me that I can see now were probably lies. It made me think that this break up was for the best but this morning I am now wanting some sort of magic fix so that we can get together again! I was always quite a together and switched on person but somewhere along the way I seem to have lost that,.

[fayster]

I'm really glad you were starting to see the real him last night, remembering what he was really like.

You really are better off out of this, you know. Unless he recognises there's a problem, he won't change, and I think you know that the police wouldn't have told you it was DV if it wasn't. It doesn't matter how he tries to justify it, or even whether you agree with what he says, justified or otherwise it was still domestic violence.

It's still sad though, that your marriage is not what you hoped for, but you will be fine, in time. You will build back up your self esteem and realise that you deserve so much better.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" have not told many people myself as I am still hoping for some sort of miraculous turnaround. "

All this does is protect his reputation. Same as not telling his family. Same as not pressing charges with the police. This man hates your very bones to treat you this way. He didn't get help because he doesn't think he has a problem... he likes being Lord and Master. The only help you need is the encouragement to keep him out of your life and make a new one where you and your baby are free of his malevolent influence and evil behaviour. The sooner you tell people what this man is really like, the quicker you stop protecting him and start putting yourself first, the better for your self-esteem.

It is not your fault that he is violent, lazy and abusive. It's not your fault that he has systematically crushed your spirit to the point where you doubt yourself. It's not your fault that you felt depressed... anyone would feel depressed living in a state of stress, unhappiness and fear. The 'magic fix' is when you realise all of this. You may benefit from calling Womens Aid again. They have programmes for people in your situation.

Good luck and stay strong.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"He also implied that the police did not think I had been a victim of domestic abuse once he had explained his side. "

This is a downright lie, incidentally. They will have told him that he was a nasty piece of work but, as you were not pressing charges, they had no choice but to let him go.

[GirlfromMars82]

Thank you everyone, it has been so helpful talking about things. I do realise how weak I must sound. The stupid thing is I know if a friend was in my situation I would have very strong views. I am cross with myself for letting it get to this stage and for missing him. I'm also cross for sounding so pathetic.

His family are very upset about the news and do not understand why we can't make things worse. Separation and Divorce are very uncommon in the country in which they live. I am feeling very upset for the hurt this has caused them.

My husband is now putting pressure on me to see our daughter but I am not ready to face him yet and I am concerned to leave him on his own with her as he does not know how to look after her. The police did also warn me to be aware of the risk that he may try and take my daughter out of the country. I don't think my husband would do this but then again I am starting to think I don't know my husband that well at all. I will try and get the courage to call Womens Aid soon and also seek legal advice but if anyone has been in a similar situation I would be interested to know how they handled this issue.

[rhondajean]

You do not sound weak at all. In fact you have been very strong. Many women take a long time and a lot of assaults before they find the strength to end things.

I have not been in Thr situation but there are lots of people on here who have and I've seen them give great advice. Can I suggest you repost with a different thread title to alert them to the help you need?