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The dreaded in-laws.

(62 Posts)
MammaWhale Thu 15-Nov-12 21:56:02

I've been with my partner 2 years now and I am not the greatest fan of his parents. We visited them a few weeks and my partner got a little drunk and told his father that I think his mother is cheap. Totally betraying the trust I had in him and now I feel like I can never go there again. We live in Swansea and they live in Kent so it isn't the easiest to go and see them because it's so expensive. Now that I don't want to go there we are not visiting after xmas when his brother is back from Canada and I feel bad because he will only go if I go with him :/ I don't know why he can't go by himself. It's his family, me not going shouldn't stop him seeing his parents and taking our daughter. Gah!!

MammaWhale Thu 15-Nov-12 22:50:32

I'm not enforcing a stand off. I've never said it's me or your family ever. I've told him to go there and take our daughter if he wants but I do not wish to go and he just says no and I ask why not and he just shrugs.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 22:50:59

Ok op but your saying he can take your daughter so she will be spending time there wether you sort things or not.

So surely better to sort things.

Bobyan Thu 15-Nov-12 22:51:06

But why can't he go there alone?

usualsuspect3 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:53:37

What was his mothers reaction to the 'Mammawhale thinks you are cheap' conversation?

MammaWhale Thu 15-Nov-12 22:54:24

Whats "op"? Maybe I should just man up! I don't want him to miss his brother as well cause he only comes home from Canada once a year.

And I have no idea why he won't go alone, he said it's to expensive to go up and that I would be making it even more expensive being at home using up electricity and stuff. I don't know if he's just saying that. Men ey?

OpheliaPayneAgain Thu 15-Nov-12 22:56:43

When you are in a commited relationship you do things together. That's why he doesnt want to go alone. You don;t want to go because you got caught out slagging his mother off. next time have the moral decency to do it to her face, not behind her back

You both sound utterly immature, I'm guessing the pair of you are barely out of your teens.

MammaWhale Thu 15-Nov-12 23:03:04

You seem to be fixated on this slagging off, when I just said I'll just man up. You seem to be hell bent on attacking me for something that everyone's done at least once in their lives. It was a mistake get over it.

PickledFanjoCat Thu 15-Nov-12 23:13:52

I would go. Life is short. Say something s out starting on the wrong foot and make a fresh start.

If your there as sell and there is talk in from if dd about gay people and the like you can correct her.

squeakytoy Thu 15-Nov-12 23:16:23

"I've been with my partner 2 years now and I am not the greatest fan of his parents"

"She's barely bought anything for our daughter in the last few years"

"(she's 13 months old, walking and babbling) "

hmmmmm ....

MammaWhale Thu 15-Nov-12 23:17:02

That's all true smile

squeakytoy Thu 15-Nov-12 23:17:48

did she "barely buy" in advance then... as well as before you met your partner?

MammaWhale Thu 15-Nov-12 23:19:18

Sorry for a minor error "in the last 13 months" no need to be pedantic

But the problem you decided to confide in your DP about was her being 'cheap' and not your dd being around religious nuts and homophobes, is that right?

Hopeforever Thu 15-Nov-12 23:32:09

Lots of issues going on.

I say things to my DH about his parents that I know he won't pass on, if he did it would be dreadful, but I deep down like them and respect them, just need to let off steam about the unhoovered carpets setting of the asthma again etc.
so your DP was a twat to tell his dad.

It's sad you don't like the second hand clothes, you are being judgey, but that's your opinion.

His parents obviously have some deep rooted beliefs, your child hearing them will not necessarily believe them, it's up to you to talk them through with your child.

For the sake of your relationship you probably need to go with him. Let their beliefs float over you. But do tell your DP never to tell his dad private conversations again!

squeakytoy Thu 15-Nov-12 23:36:09

"But do tell your DP never to tell his dad private conversations again!"

Better still, dont slag your MIL off to her son either...

How would you feel if he had been nasty about your mother?

Hopeforever Thu 15-Nov-12 23:40:27

Have really so few MNers never said anything negative about their MIL's to their DH/P?

I find that really hard to believe after reading all the MIL threads on here grin

squeakytoy Thu 15-Nov-12 23:42:24

My husband never ever said anything negative about my mum to me, and whilst there are times when his mum drives me a bit batty, I would never dream of saying anything nasty about her to him.

gotthemoononastick Fri 16-Nov-12 00:41:01

Surely you knew their beliefs and views before you got involved with him?Why oh why do some people get involved with people who do not share the same beliefs, cultures and values and then find fault and do not want to be part of the family after the event? Poor partners then torn between both.

Merrin Fri 16-Nov-12 08:08:05

You need to man up and apologise, both to your DH (its his mum!) and to MIL if she has been told about it. DH needs to apologise to you for breaking your trust.

Agree with you about the other issues, you have some long battles ahead, don't screen them with the small stuff.

ArtVandelay Fri 16-Nov-12 08:21:31

What on earth is your DH doing reporting back to his parents? Is he crazy?

Wrt charity shop finds. If the person gives a quality item, washed and ironed I'm as happy with that as something new. When I read on here about people getting bin bags of jumbled clothes that need washing, I think that's awful. I wouldn't accept that and would feel insulted. If your ils are a bit poor, which they might be especially if they do a lot of tithing, and they give gifts in good faith then its not on to criticise that.

The demons and gay bashing are a seperate issue and you would have probably got more leverage with your DH if you'd grumbled about that.

Whocansay Fri 16-Nov-12 08:34:51

I'm a bit surprised by some of the comments on here. The OP seems to be getting a lot of flak. I've certainly made bitchy comments about my dp's family on occasion to him and he has said bitchy things about my lot. Everyone likes to let off steam don't they? Equally, we both know that passing on that kind of information would be damaging - especially when it isn't really meant (for example I have called my SIL a silly cow when annoyed with her, because she can be, but most of the time she's perfectly nice!).

And whilst I'm very happy to buy stuff from charity shops for us, I wouldn't buy them as a present.

OP, it would probably be a good idea to build bridges with the in laws, but I don't think Xmas is a good time to do it. It's a stressful enough time as it is. And if you don't agree with their religious beliefs, Xmas is definitely not a good time to see them.

Get DP to do the legwork though. This problem is of his making.

1charlie1 Fri 16-Nov-12 08:40:28

Think you're getting a bit of a hard time with some of the posters, OP.
If your MIL is a biblical fundamentalist, she may buy from the charity shop because she objects to our acquisition-obsessed culture. Or, she may not have much money. She's only 'cheap' if it's solely directed at you, or your DD. Charity shop buying can seem mean to some people, especially if it's alien to your family culture.
It was up to your DP to defend her to you, and explain these things.
Instead, he chose to drop you in it.
Growing up in a biblically literate household, he should have better understood the concept 'as you sow so shall you reap.'
As for the not wanting to visit his DPs without you, perhaps he just doesn't want sole charge of your little one. Does he look after her much on his own?

Anniegetyourgun Fri 16-Nov-12 09:00:37

I'm beginning to understand why your partner doesn't want to visit them without backup. They sound a little worrying.

I may be the first to agree that it was out of order for your partner to tell his parents what you'd said about them. OK, you've been given a good slapping for saying it (or even thinking it!) in the first place, but if one cannot confide in one's life partner, in whom can one confide? It's his place to stand up for his mother on the spot if he disagrees - and however annoyed he was at you saying it, passing it on can only hurt them. (Was he passive-aggressively passing on the message because he did agree but didn't want to say it himself?) Still, cut the man some slack, look at his upbringing. He's doing well being husband and father material at all.

However, as a general point, although I think some posters were a bit sharp (this is the Relationships board you know, not AIBU), the measure of a good grandmother is not how much she buys or where she gets it from. She could be an eccentric old dear who just has a fixation about charity shops, perhaps from a deprived childhood; it's not the most heinous thing to hold against her.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 16-Nov-12 09:04:45

OK, I'm not the first now, cross-posted with a few!

PickledFanjoCat Fri 16-Nov-12 09:19:17

Christmas is quite a good time to make amends I think. It's a time fit caring AND fit sharing, just channel sir cliff.

Though I'd get dp to do most of the legwork for being a stirrer.

At the end of the day it's faaaaaaamily.

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