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angry and not sure whether I'm being heartless

(93 Posts)
Fairylea Sun 21-Oct-12 06:52:25

My dh has had a really crap year or so with employment. He's on his third job in the last year. The first one he packed in because it was cold calling and he gets quite phobic about having to ring people so he more or less decided he was unable to do it (it wasn't advertised as cold calling). He then worked for a retail company and got sacked during his probationary period after a lot of problems - he said he didn't receive any proper training and the others seemed to deliberately exclude him and he felt they bullied him. Now he has a new job which he's had for the last 6 months or so and the same thing is happening again.

He is a manager and his main problem is that he seems to try to get on with everyone and gets very hurt and upset that they don't include him but I have explained that as a manager they are likely to make him separate as that is the nature of being a boss... he did something a bit stupid and ended up being late for a big meeting because he got on the wrong train with two employees. He knew he was on the wrong train but went along with it because the others wanted to be late. He then received a disciplinary for this.

Yesterday he remembered he'd made another silly mistake at work so he rang and owned up to it. His manager told him to email the area manager explaining it which he has done. He has not heard anything back and isn't likely to till his appraisal intw/o weeks. He is now in a deep depression convinced he is worthless and about to get sacked again.

I have sympathy for him. Of course I do. I am on maternity leave and we have a ds 4 months and also dd aged 9 from my previous relationship. I was a single mum for several years befo're I met dh.

But I'm also if I'm honest quite annoyed he seems to have this "I'm worthless" depressive attitude ... but will not take medication or talk to anyone. I have had severe depression myself so I do try to understand.

If he loses his job I could return to work so we wouldn't lose the house. Our mortgage is very small so we could manage. It is a pride thing with my husband. He thinks no one likes him.

Meanwhile I am knackered... ds has just started to
Sleep through till 6am everyday but today was dh turn to get up with him as I do it everyday and he woke up in a terrible mood saying he'd had two hours sleep worrying about work so I said I'd get up again... as I do every bloody day.

I'm also struggling with things with my mum and my hair is falling out !! Long stories. I feel so tired and stressed and worried about my dh and his job etc.

sad

MrsFlibble Wed 28-Nov-12 00:12:55

dequoisagitil is right, he catastrophises his life, work life is shit, so his whole life is shit, people at work hate him, everyone else including you, he needs help for this attitude, laziness and total disrespect of you, he certainly doesnt sound like a grown man.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 28-Nov-12 00:31:01

My original post still stands.

Bloody hell - he really does need to grow the fuck up. He's a FATHER not a carefree teenager. Is there anyone who would give him a damn good talking to that he would listen to?? Father/Uncle/Older Friend? CBT would probably be worth a shot too (as someone else mentioned) and a visit to the Dr to check out the depression.

It needs ACTION this cannot continue.

If I were you I would go back to my job when your maternity leave ends. I am all for people doing what is right for them, but in my heart of hearts I do feel babies are best at home with their Mums, but in certain situations then it's wise to do other things - this is one of those situations. Your DD, your DS and YOU need one employable, employed, stable parent (adult) and you are going to have to be that person.

I don't know what to suggest about the physical side of your relationship, frankly, I think he's very fortunate to still be in the family home - if I were you he wouldn't be.

Fairylea Sat 08-Dec-12 07:04:17

Thanks for the replies... haven't replied for a bit as trying to sort my head out a little.

I think I am going to have to return to work at the end of my maternity leave even though that isn't something I wanted to do because I feel veryal unstable and unable to stop worrying about everything.

Dh started his new job this week and is already struggling to cope. He is extremely anxious about the product knowledge he has or lack of it, and even though they hired him knowing he didn't have any experience he has got himself in a complete state saying he can't learn it etc. This ended up with him being in floods of tears in the morning saying he can't do it, he feels worthless, letting everyone down etc. Fucks sake.

He admitted he's been in tears a lot of the week which I haven't seen as he's been away on training.

So yesterday he rang in sick as he was in too much of a state to go in. He kept asking if I was angry and I said I'm not angry just frustrated!! I said if he doesn't feel able to do it then he needed to take some control and go to the GP and take meds and get counselling. It's not acceptable for him to just collapse in a heap. I was very angry and said I felt invisible as we used to be equal partners but now I feel I'm just left to do everything while he mopes about.

And I still feel guilty feeling angry! If he has depression or whatever as I have had before then I feel bad for feeling angry! Grr.

So now I have no idea what's going on. He tried to get a GP appointment but there weren't any yesterday so have to wait till next week, I'm not going to nag him on it because I said to him he has to want to go otherwise there is no point.

He managed to ask work to make up the day next week. Not a good start really!

I really don't know if I'm coming or going.

I'm getting up with ds everyday at 4.30am as thats when he wants to get up. I ddont feel able to ask dh to take turns as he's in such a state hes hardly sleeping anyway.

Ds spends the whole day moaning whatever I do, play with him, encourage naps, walks etc ... just moans. I'm really fed up. I always thought dh would be an equal parent but all the work crap has ruined it. Plus my mum being ill I have no support. But no one gives a fuck about me they just expect me to keep going andI don't have a fucking choice.

So sorry to hear that he seems to be sabotaging this opportunity, Fairy. The fact that he keeps asking if you are angry makes me wonder if he subconsciously wants you to be angry? so he can blame you somehow?

What a shame-- he really doesn't want to make it work out, does he. Hate to say it but your best bet may be to go back to work if you have a good job to go back to-- to keep that self sufficiency and continuity for yourself. Is he trying to set up a situation where just that will happen, so he can cast himself in the role of house husband and have you support him? It may be a subtle trick on his part to fail so that you have to step in and save him... but the fact that he's not helping much with the baby would say otherwise.

Sorry you're having such a hard time with DS. I hope you can get some time to look after yourself and get some time to relax a bit!

Just re-reading your post... please make some time to relax and look after yourself! you've had to take all the c*p of OH's job stress while dealing with a needy little one and no support. Can you leave the baby with him and get away for a bit of 'me' time? Things will get better but you do need more support!

lunar1 Sat 08-Dec-12 09:02:57

It sounds like you could both use someone to talk to. Even if he is depressed you can't go on absorbing all his insecurities and misery, as well as doing everything else.

How old is your ds now? Maybe going back to work part time will allow you to feel more in control of things.

startlife Sat 08-Dec-12 09:56:44

I think you both need to seek some support as individuals as you're not able to support each other. Your DP seems to have severe anxiety, maybe made worse by recent job losses and his confidence has suffered. He would benefit from CBT - is it worth talking to him about this? There are online resources that could assist him. He's got a new job, great in this climate, he's started the job but he's not feeling as if he's coping. CBT could help him to change his mindset. Does his concerns have any basis, is he being properly supported in work by his managers?

On the other hand I can relate to how you are feeling, the new baby, although so much wanted has been disruptive. I had a similar age gap and my first dc was an easy baby, ds was the opposite - high maintenance and each day was hard, hard work as he rarely slept. It was exhausting and I think I suffered with sleep deprivation. Can you alter his sleep routine so that he's going to bed slightly later and maybe waking later? When he sleeps, you should try and sleep. Perhaps also mention how you're feeling to your MW as you may need an assessment as I think lack of sleep can cause low feelings and then it's a vicious cycle.

I don't know how long you have been together before the baby? If your DP had a solid employment history then this could be a blip - the timing is awful as a new baby causes pressures anyway.

olgaga Sat 08-Dec-12 11:28:48

He needs to forget about management jobs. He's trying, and failing, to work at a level beyond his ability. He keeps being found out. He needs to be realistic about that (as we all do!).

He sounds like a big kid, blaming everyone else but himself for the mess he's in. Which would be fine if we were talking about a 19 year old, but we're talking about an adult, with responsibilities to a wife and child.

Moaning about lack of sleep when it turns out he sat up late playing computer games is just pathetic and immature. When you are clearly at your wit's end and on your knees with exhaustion, it's unforgiveable.

Is this a new thing? Or does he have a history of "misfortune". How long did you know him before you were married?

If he won't get some help, or at least speak to the GP about the mess he is making of his working life, and his apparent lack of enthusiasm for taking responsibility, you are going to have to make some difficult decisions.

At the moment I have to say it sounds as though you would be better off without him.

olgaga Sat 08-Dec-12 11:33:57

I would start leaving him with the baby at every opportunity. It may give him the impetus he needs to decide he really must go out to work - just in case he fancies being a SAHD, and thinks he can play computer games all day while you work full-time and do everything at home too.

Sorry you're having such a hard time. I agree that you should talk to the GP/MW/HV too.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Sat 08-Dec-12 11:47:11

Oh dear.

Well, I think it was fairly predictable that this was going to happen (and perhaps the reason you couldn't muster up any great enthusiasm)

He has got to grow up!

Every job he has he loses through his own fault. If every workplace you go into you fail in, and everyone treats you the same, it could be that you've been unlucky enough to find all these nasty workplaces but it's FAR more likely that it's of your own making! That people are responding to you. That you are cocking it up.

He needs to address these issues if he wants to change.

He isn't capable of being a manager. This is painfully obvious. He needs to find something he can do.

Fairylea Mon 10-Dec-12 06:50:28

Thanks for the replies. I've taken onboard some of the ideas and it's useful to hear opinions other than my own! Thanks.

This weekend he seemed to buck up a bit and was quite hands on with the baby
... I left him to it a few times while I wandered off doing things either at home or when we went to the shops. I don't think he realises how draining it is looking after ds for a whole day. He only does it for a couple of hours at most.

I don't think it's about him wanting to be a sahd. He has always been adamant he wants to be the breadwinner, which is what I wanted too after me having some very demanding highly paid jobs in a previous life! I worked too much when dd was little and wanted to be at home to enjoy ds more. Dh seemed to support that.

We have been together about five years now. When I first met him he did have a reasonable job that he had done for two years. He had anxieties over that but nothing like this and he did well at it.. no inkling that he would be like this. It's all started when he relocated to move in with me and had to.quit this old job and then the jobs he's had since then he's had problems in. Four jobs in total he has gone through now.

Last night he was in a right state again because he has to go in today and he keeps asking me what he should do. When I say I am worried about him but I'm also worried about the mortgage he gets angry as if I don't care about him.

I'm going round in circles.

I am tied to this mortgage. I owned half the house when we met.

I am so angry. Ds is waking up. I will come back to this later.

lunar1 Mon 10-Dec-12 12:54:50

Hope he has a good day at work, it sounds like he is creating a self fulfilling prophecy with his attitude to work.

mummytime Mon 10-Dec-12 13:15:56

I would also suggest that you make a GP appointment for yourself, or go and talk to the Health Visitors. Concentrate on yourself and you baby, eat healthily, get out every day, and go to baby groups/ have adult contact. Sleep when you can.
He needs to grow up and deal with his work stuff himself, you really don't need a third child right now.

gettingeasier Mon 10-Dec-12 14:41:04

I'm really sorry this must be very difficult for you at a time where , as you say, you just want be enjoying your ML.

I guess you have to keep your boot up his backside about going to the doctor. I know what you mean about it having to come from him but what choice do you have ? Anyway he sounds childish and like a child you're going to have to be the organiser of it.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Dec-12 14:47:36

No, he doesn't want to be a SAHD. Because that's actually work. He wants to do nothing. But here's what will happen: you'll go back to work and he'll be SAHP because he gets in state over any outside employment.

He will do FA. He'll sit the baby in a playpen and play Xbox, then claim he's had a hard day and you'll do your paid employment and everything in that house.

I've seen it happen time and again here.

You need to have a serious think about things and perhaps see a counsellor on your own.

He's an adult and a father. He has to take responsibility for his issues. Only he can change them.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Dec-12 14:48:20

And no, you are not responsible for organising or 'nagging' him to see a doctor. He is.

TalkativeJim Mon 10-Dec-12 16:07:11

To echo expat - no way on earth would I ever agree to an X-box loving, unenthusiastic man becoming a SAHD. Never.

Not unless you fancy your DS living that unique '1980s Romanian orphanage' experience, of course!

Expat is 100% correct in what she says above. You going out to work while he stays at home sitting on his arse being a SAHD will not improve the situation - quite the opposite, and at the expense of your child's welfare too.

DearJ0hn Mon 10-Dec-12 17:12:05

I would have zero respect for this man. You poor thing.

Have you considered leaving him? You have a life time ahead of this utter nonsense.

Daddelion Mon 10-Dec-12 17:26:16

So the advice for someone who has developed mental health problems due to relocating and leaving his old job is to man up and grow up and you should leave him?

No wonder the suicide rate for men is so high.
On average 65 men a week do.

He needs help, and it can be very difficult to get someone with depression and anxiety to get help, I suppose he should grow a pair.

Scarey123 Mon 10-Dec-12 17:28:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gettingeasier Mon 10-Dec-12 17:56:55

To me its about the desired outcome.

Assuming the OP wants to stay married to him and as she has a baby I do assume she does then it would be better if he could seek help and hopefully sort himself out. This in turn would be more likely to help their marriage and future together.

Irrespective of who or how gets the doctor surely the important thing is that he does ?

Fairylea Tue 11-Dec-12 06:15:07

Thanks... if I do have to go back to work I would have to use a nursery. Don't worry, I won't be giving ds the romanian orphanage experience! ... I don't think dh would ignore him perhaps but I don't think he'd engage as much as I do, because of his depression at the moment. My job is extremely badly paid so ironically tax credits would pay most of the childcare. Of course I feel annoyed at facing paying someone else to do the job I wanted to do sad I realise I have maternity allowance and leave until march.
Yesterday was a disaster. I drove him to work, with ds in the back asleep. Dh doesn't drive. His training is in a different town 25 miles away. He spent the morning in tears and I just knew he wouldn't go in but he wouldn't make a decision so we all got in the car and when we got there we sat in the car park and he broke down in tears saying he just can't do it, is scared he can't do it etc.

I said I'm not making decisions for him so we sat like that for half an hour and then he.opened the door and shut it again and had a panic attack.... more crying etc. In the end he didn't go in and got angry with me for suggesting he gave it a go..I said the training days would help him but he says he just can't do it.

Cue lots of crying and arguing on the way home. Him saying I don't love him anymore, that he's a fuck up etc. Me saying that's not true but I'm.angry and frustrated. And I was angry I wasted nearly two hours driving him there and back and petrol from our house account too when money is now.tight !!!

We spent the rest of the day putting on a front for ds (who slept the whole journey there and back).

Dh is going to try and go to the doctors today. He is now saying he will go to work on Wednesday when the work becomes local. For gods sake! It's just like one thing after another until he gets sacked... which I'm surprised he isn't yet!

He.has missed all the training days so it's almost.like he's fulfilling his.prophecy of failing before he starts!

I don't think I want or could leave..he's clearly unwell. The man I married is in there somewhere, surely. I can't face arguing over ds and the house..I don't think he could cope with ds for contact on his own to be honest. He wouldn't leave the house and neither would I. We have half the equity in the house which was mine before we.met and he is effectively buying the other half through our joint mortgage. If we split now he could argue half the equity is his from what it is now and it isn't.

Just plod along I guess.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 11-Dec-12 06:52:13

I think rather than get angry at him for freaking out like this, you should now take the "I'm worried about you, there's a serious problem here, you need help" approach. And if he doesn't do anything about it (go to the doc, etc) then seriously start thinking about leaving him (even if temporarily while he sorts himself out) - maybe the prospect of losing his wife and DC will goad him into action? Nobody can live like this (like he does I mean), and it's not fair of him to expect you to live with the consequences of it either without trying to sort it. & I don't necessarily mean force himself to go into work etc - he's clearly got major anxiety issues of some sort and needs professional help.

Fairylea Tue 11-Dec-12 07:01:56

Thanks, that's what I keep saying to him.. I don't necessarily want him to go to work (although that would be great but not like this!) But I want him to get some help and try and be positive about getting some help. I've explained that for me its the constant uncertainty. The ups and downsa'll the time. It's horrible.

I'm going to try and drag him to the doctors today.

foofooyeah Tue 11-Dec-12 13:14:45

Oh Fairy, I feel so sorry for you. So much shit going on. I dont have anything to offer that hasnt already been said.

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