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Wife doesn't love me anymore

(268 Posts)
Lostdad31 Fri 19-Oct-12 06:36:57

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.

She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.

But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.

I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.

Help me!

Love the new name! smile

I know that what my DD values most about time with her dad is having his undivided attention. She doesn't often get that from me because I'm always trying to juggle other stuff too. But because he sees DD less frequntly, he makes sure it's high quality time, iyswim. DD really values that and feels very loved. Also, as she's got older she has more autonomy over how she contacts her dad - she rings him whenever she wants, she skypes him, emails him etc. I don't think you have to make all the time they have with you 'exciting', certainly, it's just about being present with them. smile

fluffyraggies Sun 03-Feb-13 14:54:14

Loving the new name smile

Following your thread and can't add much more than what's being said, but i want to wish you happiness and healing in your new home. You so deserve it. Laughter and good times with your children will soon make the place feel good and special to you.

You have remained dignified and will always be able to hold your head up and be proud of the way you have handled yourself. If you have any belief in karma you know you have wonderful times ahead of you smile
x

JessieMcJessie Sun 03-Feb-13 18:45:34

OP, what a sad story. I am more than a little flabbergasted at your wife essentially using you for child care while she spent the night with her lover, and changing her name back so soon in your mutual workplace. Insensitive doesn't begin to cover it. At least you are in your own place now and not at her beck and call.

This must be unbelievably tough for you but you sound like a great guy and you can always hold your head high and when your kids are older they will be proud of how you behaved. As for your STBXW she sounds like a piece of work and you're well shot of her. If your old username was based on your age, you still have a lot of time on your side to meet a woman who does deserve you and build a long and happy relationship once you have had enough time to recover from your marriage. Best of luck.

calmlychaotic Mon 04-Feb-13 00:10:16

great new name and you sound like you are coping so well with it all now. kids will love staying at daddys I used to.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 04-Feb-13 08:33:54

Hi Lost how you doing?

The first few weeks alone are tough. My Ex left in september, and it was the first time I had ever lived alone. Took some getting used to, but now i like it. I most certainly lost my cool for a good few months, looking back I realise how bad I was, but a few months on I am feeling great.

If you feel crappy now, don't worry too much, it will pass smile

Lostandfounddad Thu 07-Feb-13 20:18:24

New roster at work hasn't kicked in yet so childcare is still a little disjointed. I had the kids yesterday but they were staying at their mum's last night. So I gave them tea, then took them to STBXW's house to bath them and put them to bed, as she didn't get home from work until after 7. After I read Ella, my eldest, her bedtime story she said something so sweet it broke my heart. She asked me where I was going to sleep tonight. I told her I was going back to daddy's house to go to bed. She then said "you can sleep here daddy, this is my house". So lush it just got me (held it together until after I tucked her in). I suppose that's the thing, the little things are always going to get you no matter how well you think you're doing.

Skyebluesapphire Thu 07-Feb-13 20:35:41

hey, it will be hard for a while. I was shopping in a local town, when DD said to my mum, Nana, do you know that Daddy went to live somewhere else? I miss Daddy and Mummy misses him too, but he won't come home :-(

I just cried and cried in the middle of the street! This was very early days at the time.....

Now nearly twelve months on, her comments don't usually get to me....

The poor children don't understand, thats the trouble. All you can do is give them a secure loving life when they are with you and they will remember that as they grow up

fluffyraggies Thu 07-Feb-13 21:26:56

Ah bless.
This is a lovely thing for her to have said in a way as it shows she has no notion of the trouble between you and your STBXW. That she feels it would be fine for you to have sleep-over basically! smile

I think you are doing the very best for them, and you should be proud. Hopefully the new work rosta will get you all into a routine. That will be reassuring for the children too.

Lostandfounddad Wed 27-Feb-13 00:13:45

Time moves on and I'm doing ok. That is until yesterday. I'm away on a course at the minute, Monday to Friday for 2 weeks. It's horrible being away from the kids for so long. I was speaking to eldest on phone yesterday, she's a proper chatterbox, I hardly got a word in for 10 minutes smile But during the conversation she dropped in that Dave had been round - Dave is STBXW's other bloke. I didn't know that the kids had met him, turns out yesterday was the second time. I'm so disappointed in STBXW, that she could invite this guy into our kids life and not even tell me, I had to hear from our 2 and a half year old. It is ok to be angry?

kittybiscuits Wed 27-Feb-13 00:19:03

It's very ok to be angry. So sorry you heard it like this.

middleeasternpromise Wed 27-Feb-13 00:23:36

Oh dear get ready this is worrying - you need advice and you should google divorce sites so you know all your options. Of course you are hoping for a different outcome but actually if you want her to see shes made a mistake dont take this type of behaviour lying down but say OK thats how you feel well you will make your own decisions I on the other hand wont be putting up with any nonsense. I would like you to stay but if youre not then youre the one leaving and I will arrange what contact you have with the children. Let me know when youve found alternative accomodation. By the way Ive seen your phone so dont try the 'its not you its me' I know you like someone else - yes it hurts like hell but if thats they way you think I deserve to be treated after all we have been through together then youre not the person I thought you were. I hope you can live with your behaviour but thats not my call.

PS youre in the lounge - (chuck ropey duvet in her direction after fitting nice new lock on master bedroom)

CappaFrappaChino Wed 27-Feb-13 00:49:41

I can't believe that none of you ladies remember how tiring having children is. The woman is most likely depressed, with 2 pre-schoolers and having babies in a short space of time. Perhaps she's flirting because she needs to feel like a woman again. Perhaps hubby doesn't give her a break, let her catch up on much needed sleep occasionally. Perhaps the idyllic life that he sees is not the one the wife has because she's too tired - cleaning cooking looking after kids looking after hubby. Take stock husband. Be honest. If you want to keep her, you've got to be honest- have you looked after her?

middleeasternpromise Wed 27-Feb-13 01:08:11

I think Cappa its too late for that if you accessed only half the thread as I could only get tonight (online glitch me thinks)- his updates are clear shes moved on and has someone else and despite his efforts shes off and running - could well be depression but shes doing it with a serious focus on elsewhere ..

Still think you need to stay in the house OP and not make it easy for her to take it all and run.

fortyplus Wed 27-Feb-13 02:09:19

Lostandfounddad you're bound to feel angry and upset about what's happened. Movce on - you deserve better. I left my husband about 6 months ago - together 27 years, married 19, two boys 17 and 19. We've grown apart over the years. My attitude is that we had many happy years and should celebrate what was good about our relationship, but he hasn't spoken to me since before Christmas. I hear via a friend that he's totally paranoid about me and what I'm up to - the truth is I'm usually either paddling a boat, riding a horse or with our sons, my mum or my brother and his wife.

This is probably TMI but shortly before I left he even noticed that I had trimmed my pubic hair and was convinced that this meant I was having an affair. The truth is that my paddling activities mean communal changing rooms so I didn't want stray ones showing!

He has told friends that I only stayed with him because I wanted a financially-sound father to make babies!! Honestly - we were together 8 years before we had kids and I wasn't even that bothered about it - he was the one more keen to start a family.

So I guess what I'm saying is that it's normal for you to be a little obsessive about her actions but maybe you're reading too much into it. You're understandably angry and upset about her relationship with Dave and frankly she's behaved very badly. But she probably was very happy with you for ages - please don't think that your whole marriage was a sham. That's what my stbxh thinks and he's got it so wrong xx

fluffyraggies Wed 27-Feb-13 08:56:32

It's very natural for you to feel hurt and angry. It's bad that you had to hear it from your DC. She should have told you, warned you.

I would say that you have a right to calmly ask your STBX a little about Dave as he is going to be socialising with your children.

I'm struggling to say this and keep starting again! But the best way i can put it is that this introduction with Dave was inevitable. Once again STBX has gone about things very badly. I'm sorry.

This is a particularly bad time to deal with it as you are away from the kids and must feel very frustrated. Hope the time passed quickly now - and you will be back to be reunited with your children very soon.

She has behaved really badly, and you know that.

I don't think there is anything you can do about this latest thing. I would just carry on being lovely with the children, and being calm and reasonable in your dealings with her. In the long-run, calm and reasonable is the best way. I know it must hurt, especially as the children are so small. But you are always Dad, and nothing will ever change that.

Skyebluesapphire Wed 27-Feb-13 10:45:50

It is normal to feel hurt and angry, but this man will never replace you. I get upset when DD comes home and says she has been swimming with XH and OW, but she will never replace me, even if they end up together properly.

Your STBXW has handled this badly but again it is all par for the course and their selfish behaviour.

As for the odd comments above, ignore them too as they obviously haven't read the whole thread as they do not seem to realise that you have already moved out!

lolat5656565 Wed 28-May-14 14:46:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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