This is my first 'serious' post on MN, so please be gentle. I've been working up the courage to ask for help with this for a while, but I'm stuck on a quiet night shift with all this going round in my head and I know it's stupid, but I'm feeling really messed up. Please bear with me, this is long, but I've lurked for long enough to know that drip feeding is a bad thing!
I split up with XP over a year ago. I took a long time over my decision to end the relationship- things were wring for a good 2 years before it ended. I was very young (17) when we got together and over the 8 years I went to uni, got a job and basically grew up. He was older (32) and hadn't changed much over the relationship.
I thought that was the main reason for the break up, but looking back with hindsight lots of strange things about the relationship have occured to me.
There was little to no sex. We Had sex about 10 times over the final 2 years of our relationship. I tried EVERYTHING possible to initiate it, but he just didn't want me, despite supposedly being TTC which he had talked me into. I felt I was too young and wanted to get married first, but he persuaded me.
We lived in his flat and I paid half the bills, but we never decorated or made it look like 'our home'. We bought a few pictures and things, but we never put them up. He said we couldn't afford to decorate, but it was all cosmetic work and I felt like he couldn't be bothered.
He constantly made comments about my appearence. I took all my peircings out because he didn't like them. He hated it if I wore a different perfume to ususal. If I had a snack he would comment on it. He told me he hated people who wore glasses all the time so I got contact lenses. He admitted that he found a couple of my friends more attractive then me. He even asked my best friend out first- I always felt like he'd settled for second best with me.
His drinking really worried me. We got int the habit of drinking a bottle- sometimes 2- every night with dinner. Every time I called him when I was at uni he sounded like he'd had a drink. He often turned up to meet me obviously slightly drunk and would then admit having a few glasses of wine. He thought nothing of drinking a bottle of wine and then driving. He lied to me about the amount he was drinking and when.
This is why I didn't leave for a long time, despite friends and Dsis urging me to; I'm not particularly confident and have very low self esteem, and I'm aware this sounds really pathetic, but for a long while I thought that no other man would want me or find me attractive. Tbh, part of me still feels that way.
There are a few other things which I now think of as very strange behavior, but that's the general gist. I tried and tried to talk to him about our problems. Silly thing is, we got on really well generally and had a good laugh and chatted about day to day stuff, but as soon as I tried to talk to him about anything serious he would tell me to "shut up". Repeatedly. Over and over again, until I lost my temper and shouted at him. Then he'd shout back and storm off. Every time. Eventually, we were living separate lives. I took a lot of overtime and we went out with separate friends. The day out relationship ended he came home upset. I asked what was wrong. He said "this isn't working is it", I said no. We hugged. I went to work. I went on holiday the nect day and moved out when I came back. And that was it. No talk, no row no anything.
He has maintained occasional (and sometimes not so occasional) text contact and has recently asked if I want to go for a drink. He says he has been depressed since our break up and has had counselling, which has made me feel a bit crap since he didn't really seem that bothered at the time. I've also got a few boxes of stuff at his place that I really need to pick up, but I just can't work up the enthusiasm to see him. I feel like we need to talk things through, but I can't see it happening. He promises he will talk to me, and that the counselling has made him realise that he "didn't help the situation" but I just don't know if it will help or make any difference.
Please help me make sense of this. I know I'm being really silly, but the thought of seeing him fills me with dread. How should I handle the conversation? Or should I just send Ddad and Dsis over to get my stuff and stay away?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Advice needed RE issues with XP
18 replies
BlueSuedeStiletto · 28/08/2012 05:19
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.