Chutney Twunt pt 3

[LouP19]

Back again, is this a record? How many threads can this bastard have? You are all keeping me going this afternoon - you and friends on email and friends on text. It's keeping me angry which is good.

[cakeismysaviour]

Bless you. x

[Coconutter]

Glad it is helping Lou. I really do have so much respect for the way you are handling all the crap you have had thrown your way. The guy that you WILL find who treats you as you should be will be extremely lucky to have you.

[PuggyMum]

Just another thought... If its someone at the uni he's been shagging.... Is that not gross professional misconduct too? Could he be shitting himself on that front too? Although losing his job wouldnt help you and/the baby on the money front....

[Houseofplain]

She wants me!! Exactly, she wants, the separated man, who left his wife ages ago. Who's going to get a 50-50 clean break.

She does not want the man who was very much married, still sleeping with his wife, undergoing fertility treatment who is now with child. Which means he shall be liable for spousal support as well as child support, due to your decreased earning power.

See? She does not know any of that does she? He is so desperate for this clean break for HIM. Stay angry at him.

[cakeismysaviour]

Further to what was being said on the last thread, I think that informing his family about what is going on is not necessarily a bad move.

At least this way he cannot lie to them about what is going on. Calls his bluff a bit.

Just be sure to make it a case of keeping them informed of the facts, as opposed to coming across ass as some crazed wife who their poor boy had to get away from, as I am sure this bastard would love them to think.

[tuckingfits]

Hi Lou. Utterly horrified at the twat's latest bombshell. I am amazed that someone as wonderful as you has spent a chunk of her life with a dick like him. Sorry,I know that's not helpful but my god it must highlight to you how much better you are than him. You deserve so so so much more than the shit he's been bringing to your life.

Best of luck for Friday. I still love your mum & I think your dad is pretty awesome too. They did a terrific job raising you to be an upstanding,strong & brilliant person. Much love to you.

[sugarice]

Keep reminding yourself of Karma, you have behaved impeccably and honestly and how has he acted; like a twat! You'll come out of this with your head held high being a stronger wiser woman. He'll end up pitying himself and on his own with any luck.

[LouP19]

Yes, that's why I might not go for the divorce route just yet. He intimated strongly on the phone that he doesn't understand why I've not done it, which was a bit of a giveaway I thought. So I want something in writing from my solicitor about my pregnancy.

He has dug himself further and further into this mess. I told him on the phone that he needed to tell the OW my situation. Of course he didn't respond to this. He doesn't want her to know the true situation. It is a farce. How can people live like this?

[MadBusLady]

Anger is good!

I know this is irrelevant detail really but I am just open-mouthed at the way the counselling has turned out to be bullshit, to the point where I presume he wasn't even planning to go (wasn't it supposed to be this week??). I know we all KNEW it was bullshit, but it's like he can't even be bothered to keep his "I'm trying to save my marriage" story straightish any more. Either that or he's just losing count of the number of stories he's telling different people, which is possible because he really doesn't sound very emotionally bright. That phone call you had sounded petulant to me.

"Why haven't you divorced me yet?"
=
"Huh, well you've very inconveniently seen through my smokescreen of bullshit to the conniving morals-free vacuous tosser that lies beneath, so if I'm really THAT awful [exaggerated five year old glum face] then why not just get it over with? Huh, if that's what you REALLY want, if you INSIST on seeing me as the unmitigated shit I am. It's really not what I expected from you at all, I must say, but since you've so inconsiderately been rational and on-the-ball about the whole thing, why don't you just GO AWAY, YOU'RE UPSETTING ME, WAAAAAAAH!!!!"

[Gigondas]

Lou I think your analysis is spot on- he is beside himself that the house of cards will come down .

[Gigondas]

Also how quick does he think divorce is? the chutney van only left a few days ago.

[MadBusLady]

I agree this has totally changed his game. Last week he was basically looking forward to stringing you along for as long as possible, but even his powers of self-deception aren't up to stringing along two pregnant women and feeling good about it. Or certainly not in front of his adoring parents.

[Houseofplain]

He lives like it because he has some kind of god complex and it's all about him.

He's in effect been stringing two women along, for probably longer than he will
admit to. He had to come clean to you in the end as she had a "permanent" reminder of his actions.

Thing is now.....so do you and it's not going to his game plan at all. He's petrified she will find out how full of shit he is. That infact what he was doing to you, he was doing to her. He was lying to her, he was "cheating" on her.

So she may well take the decision, like you have, to tell him to get bent. Then he shall be all on his own. That's why he's so scared and up to his neck in lies.

[BadLad]

How people can live like this is that eventually bullshitting becomes so ingrained that it ceases to be something that one stops and admonishes oneself for considering. Then one starts doing it because it's easier than telling the truth. The last stage is doing it for no reason, when there isn't anything to be lost by telling the truth.

He sounds like someone who has bullshitted so much that it has gone beyond habit and is now a totally normal part of his life.

[lagartija]

OMFG! What a utter cunt, and a stupid one at that. Take him to the cleaners Lou!

[JustinBoobie]

x more

Lou, you are amazing. Truly.

The lowest low life; and he is still running and hiding. Don't make it easy for him, but also remember to take it easy on yourself...

He is not worth your sweat, you are better off without him on an emotional level... choose only what is best for you darling.

[skyebluesapphire]

Lou, just got up to speed on everything. I thought I couldnt be more shocked than I already was, but sadly just been proved wrong.......

What an absolute total twunt your H is. Complete and utter twunt. He is totally bricking it because he told OW that you were separated. If that is true, then she is sadly a victim of his also, if she truly believed that he was separated.

If I were you I would find out who she is and tell her that you are pregnant. He will not tell her "unless he has to". This is why he is pushing you for an abortion, so that he doesnt have to and you make his life a lot more convenient for him.

and why would you have filed for divorce already, when all his previous messages have been about talking and trying to sort things out?! The man is getting worried because he is in the biggest shittiest hole ever and it is all of his own making...

I can understand that you dont want to be tied to him forever. I cannot forget about my STBXH because of DD 4yo. But I wouldnt be without her for anything.

Regarding your own pregnancy, you have to make the right decisions for yourself, he doesnt come in to the equation now.

There is no way on earth that he can come out of this any other way than in deep shit all the way round.

I am so so sorry for you, but you are doing so well. Stay strong, keep contact to a minimum. Im glad you have got a good solicitor.

[jumpingjackhash]

You've hit the nail on the head Lou - he wants and was expecting you to file for divorce, in other words help him get off this hook he's found himself on.

How on earth does he expect to get away with this without the OW finding out? What an idiot! Fwiw I think you're doing exactly the right things making the pregnancy part of the official communication - I also wouldn't divorce him (yet). I'd want to play by my rules, not his.

[LouP19]

Yes, want it in writing that I'm 8 weeks pregnant (which I will be next week) and that as we've been trying for 3 years I'm obviously very emotionally vulnerable. Blah blah. I want the bloke to have cold sweats at night, I really really do. The thought of him taking her to Italy, of going to scans with her, of putting his hand on his stomach makes me hurt SO MUCH that the only way I can deal with it is to get angry. I can't believe I've been catapulted into a life like this when I've done nothing wrong. How dare he believe he can engineer people and situations likes this after everything we've been through?

On another note, I have my 8 weeks scan next week and possible termination discussion. I really don't think I can cope with any of this at the moment. I just feel the shock is getting me all through, and then I'll probably spend all winter sat holed up in tears.

[sugarice]

Are you asking anyone to accompany you to the scan and chat afterwards?

[mathanxiety]

Lou, a divorce would not mean him taking everything you have. You have rights and he has responsibilities.

I think you need to go easy on the OW and put a bit more blame on him for what has happened. What may have happened is that he was flattered that his chat up lines worked on this woman, he was caught up in the thrill of an illicit and new relationship, lied through his teeth about his miserable existence with you, (which flattered her that she was The One For Him), then embarked on a sexual relationship where he may have thrown caution to the wind thinking he might be infertile, or thinking he might be some sort of magical individual to whom the normal rules about unprotected sex do not apply -- stranger things have happened when someone is caught up in the flights of luuuuurve and thinking in all seriousness 'What could possibly go wrong?'. (Look at the treatment of you over the months, and the chutney for instance).

In other words, you are dealing with a man who likes his ego stroked, and I give him and the OW about 2.5 - 3 years before he starts noticing he is not living in some scene from the Arabian Nights and begins casting about again for someone who will 'respond differently' to his overtures - the shine will have worn off the OW by that stage. The baby will be in the grip of the Terrible Twos or Threes... Unless of course the OW gets wind of your pregnancy and realises sooner what a prize overgrown toddler she is dealing with.

I know the OW's pregnancy is a horrible blow -- how could it be otherwise? But stand back a bit if you can and laugh til you cry at this incredible boob and what he has done to his life. It has all bitten him in the bum so fast and furiously, hasn't it?

His comment about the divorce may be intended to have you double-double think the idea. If you file for divorce he will have to divulge an address to you unless he gets himself a PO Box. There will be documents he will have to find and produce, stuff he will have to deal with. There will be times he will have to meet with his solicitor and perhaps go to court, all of which will be hard to explain to the pregnant OW. So too will the financial settlement if it includes support for your baby and for you. She may be counting on a certain sum being available to tide them through maternity leave. So may he.

Hire a PI and have him tailed from work. You need photos of the OW or evidence that she is pregnant. She should be showing by now. You need to know where he is living. You need proof of the pregnancy.

[bleedingheart]

Oh Lou. This man is such a total shit. I cannot begin to imagine how you feel. Not only was he cheating but also risking your sexual health and lying to everyone involved (I assume the OW has bought his act, he had to take all his stuff or she'd wonder where it was?).

I can't conceive of who would want to live like that. I'm like you. Give me a committed relationship and a trip to Dunhelm Mill any day.

I know you think you're barely hanging on but I admire your refusal to live in denial, to minimise this and see what you want to in his texts. Your commitment to honesty and truth is awe-inspiring.

[belagh]

I too am concerned...

can see why he was seeming so desperate but it does sound like he is trying to convince himself and has devised a plan of action to stop his world from falling apart. I suspect the OW may be pretty clueless about the full situation

I'm going to add to the others suggesting that from now on all communication is through email or writing. This man is getting too much of your head room... His life is no longer your problem, please don't make any of it, anything to do with you... he is a car wreck now and he will get more and more desperate.

I suspect he may be to busy to be as intrusive as you fear if you have the baby. I also suspect the OW wouldn't be too keen on him spending too much time with you or having another baby around.

I would check with your solicitor but I can't see that that delaying the start of divorce proceedings will make much difference. I sure that if you keep the baby the court may wait til then, and final contact and financial decisions would take the baby into account.... Does he not realise it doesn't make any difference. He will leave the marriage worse off if you do keep the baby and you are his wife. You keeping the baby will not enable him to have a quickie divorce

Sorry to suggest this do you think the OW is putting some pressure on him regarding this (after all she may well think you are dragging this out)