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Separation & beyond.. Lala goes forth!!!

(636 Posts)
LalaDipsey Wed 01-Aug-12 18:49:07

Hi everyone. Well, the saga continues. H turned up for his single 'abuse assessment session' on Monday to find that the counsellor had, by mistake, booked him in for Wednesday instead of Monday! I was fuming!
I spoke to them and said it may just be one more week to them, but to me I had mentally psyched myself up for H to have this DV assessment and was then ready for a session this Monday coming either together or on my own. Nothing could be done but I was gutted as I had hoped us to be significantly further along by next week and now we won't be.
On the plus side, night 3 of sleep training tonight so hoping for a massive improvement.
Had no idea what to call this thread... Felt this was still the right place as I extricate us from this relationship but I hope by the time this reaches 1000 posts H has either moved out, or is living here whilst the divorce is being processed so I hope the title sums that up!!
Thanks for everyone still with me

izzyizin Wed 01-Aug-12 20:40:03

Do you have another thread with the backstory that you can link to this one?

If you've been a victim of abuse from your h is there any reason why you're living together?

angeltattoo Wed 01-Aug-12 21:30:41

Hi lala!

I lost your old posr after it went to the 'secret place'! very secret' i couldn't bloody find it Have been wondering how and and your little ones are, great to see you back here.

I am a bit behind, but had read every post until you hid your thread, looking forward to hearing how well you're doing.

LalaDipsey Wed 01-Aug-12 21:30:57

Hi Izzy. All my prior threads have been deleted - I didn't realise they vanished from the quiet place where I got the last one move to when I started putting a plan in place (was not as successful as hoped - ended up separating from H but not him moving out and he does still think we could work things out whereas I am done). Then I started another thread in the quiet place not knowing it would delete itself.

izzyizin Wed 01-Aug-12 21:37:36

Is part of the purpose of this counselling to get him to ship his sorry arse out without kicking off again?

LalaDipsey Wed 01-Aug-12 21:40:31

Hi angel. Well. Started counselling to see where it would get us(H hoping get us back together I think, me hoping it would give me the strength to properly end it and for him to realise what a twunt he is!). Had first session with the counsellor who was fab - called H on his behaviour. Then I went last week for a session on my own as H away with work and got told I had to do a DV assessment to see if they would see us together or not as if H was controlling and abusive they would not. So this Monday just gone H was supposed to have his assessment after which they have a case meeting and decide whether to see us together or separate but he turned up and there was no appointment (see below!)
So... Where we are is
Separated (wedding rings moved to left hand off)
Attending counselling where it is becoming evident H is an arse as validated by Relate!
H still living here - he stopped drinking for a week or so. Is now on 2 cans lager a night for now, bound to steadily increase!
H thinks we can work things out
I don't now. I am done.

LalaDipsey Wed 01-Aug-12 21:42:28

Izzy - yes, kind of. I have become so used to not putting my viewpoint across I find it very hard to be firm/confrontational. I am hoping to use counselling to help me end it in a 'safe environment' which I did tell the counsellor last week.

NoWayNoHow Wed 01-Aug-12 21:54:48

Hello lala!! Big hugs on a great day to be British!

I'm loving reading your posts now - honestly, the difference in the last 3 months is so substantial, it's like they were written by a different person!

SO frustrating that the counselling didn't materialise. How are things otherwise? What's the status quo at home at the moment?

angeltattoo Wed 01-Aug-12 21:56:54

Ah, well. You've come along in leaps and bounds, he has had more than enough opportunity to be the dad/husband he should be. Hopefully the counselling will help him see how unacceptable his behaviour has been.

My last post was after he threw something across the room when your DTD was On the floor sad

Sounds like you're doing well...hang in there, we know you can! Maybe he'll come round to the idea of moving out?

MyLittleMiracles Wed 01-Aug-12 22:05:05

lala i dont know your story to be honest, but i am glad you seem so sure that you are doing the right thing andif he is abusive IN ANY WAY you are doing the right thing and we will all be here to hold your hand when the time comes and when life gets difficult. I know right now all you want is him out of the family home, but there are going to be times when you in a sense grieve for your relationship, i did, but i have come to now know that the man i married was not the man i left, he had changed in that time. Alcohol and/or drugs do that to someone, they take the person you love and change them into something un recognisable.

hillyhilly Wed 01-Aug-12 22:06:07

Found you Lala! Hope you're fast asleep and feeling the benefit of your night nanny giving you the help your dh could have long ago.
Good luck
Xx

YoulllWinGoldOneDay Wed 01-Aug-12 22:10:56

Hi Lala (I was 'youllllaugh' this is my olympic name).

You are doing so well. I actually found your thread in the quiet place a few days ago, and then, before I could post, pooof.

Just wanted to extend my good vibes on sleep training. Stay strong. We need to do something with DD2. 14 months, and still a good night is up twice, and a bad night, well.... What system are you and the night nanny using?

Doesn't a wedding ring normally live on the left hand confused. Or did you wear yours on your right before?

DippyDoohdah Wed 01-Aug-12 22:18:03

Hi la la.good to hear you so resolute, you are a strong and inspiring chick!

mathanxiety Wed 01-Aug-12 23:15:42

Hi again, Lala.

You know, I do think you have made progress -- just look at what you did there: you were fuming about the appointment snafu and you expressed it to the counsellors. You are champing at the bit and seem energised about moving on.

SecrectFarleysNibbler Wed 01-Aug-12 23:46:01

Hi Lala!

Glad to see you back! Rats about the mix up on the dates - can imagine your frustration as you probably want to ride the wave of confidence you are on!!!! When do you go again or do you have to wait for him to complete his session first?

How is everyone else around you dealing with it all? Does his sister know?

SecrectFarleysNibbler Wed 01-Aug-12 23:50:42

Btw - dd still going strong her own room! Finished all 3 of 'that series' !! sad and had confirmation of carple tunnel in my wrist sad will probably need small op to sort it - just confirms that life is just a constant stream of ups and downs!!!! Here's to you getting back up and clearly a stronger person! X

JUbilympiX Thu 02-Aug-12 01:30:30

Hey Lala! Gosh, you sound so confident - do you remember saying you hadn't been able to wash your hair because dh was staying in bed until 11, and you weren't allowed to use the shower until he got up? You are so different from that person who had forgotten that if she needed to have a shower while her h was lazing about in bed, then you could!

Bummer about the appt, but presumably he had it today? Hope he's staying calm and vaguely rational, even if he's not really being helpful.

Hope you're feeling more rested and can think more clearly. It sounds like you are.

<pom poms waving>

LalaDipsey Thu 02-Aug-12 06:49:41

Hiya!! Yes, moved to right hand blush
H away all week & not back til Friday so he goes to counsellor on his own on Monday. Then they have a meeting to decide if they will see us as a couple or not. If they will, we go the Monday after. If they won't, I will go on my own regardless of whether he does or not.
Math - snafu?!
Sleep training- we have gone for a 'spaced pick up' I suppose you'd call it.
- baby cries, pick them up, quick pat on the back with a quick cuddle (@5 seconds), put back down
- if baby still crying, wait 2 minutes & repeat
- wait 3, 4, 5 mins etc up to 10 mins but don't leave longer than 10 just keep repeating 10 minute gap.
Secret - well done on your sleep training that's fab. Sorry about your carpal tunnel it is supposed to be very painful.

LalaDipsey Thu 02-Aug-12 06:52:17

His sisters know we are having problems & they know he drinks too much. My mum had a bit of a chat with one of his sisters and kind of steered that he was not behaving but they don't have any idea really what he's been like. yet

Figgygal Thu 02-Aug-12 06:56:18

Hi lala

I also lost track once your other thread moved to the secret place at that point u were still together but glad to hear things have moved on for you

mathanxiety Thu 02-Aug-12 17:42:20

Snafu = mix up. smile (military slang)

SecrectFarleysNibbler Thu 02-Aug-12 19:20:04

Think you need to rally the troops form all quarters Lala - I would let his sisters know exactly what has been going on. My brother is a bombastic bully but also has this fantastic generous and funny side to him Jeckle and Hyde - really! Everyone thinks he is wonderful but he is such a T**t to us, his family. He would do anything for a friend but if I dane to ask for help I am being unreasonable. I would imagine your DH sisters will recognise this and not be that surprised by your truthful revelations. My brother had a girlfriend for a few years - I have no idea how she stuck it out and was always expecting her to come running to tell me how bloody awful he was. If she had I would have supported her to the hilt as I KNOW what a tosser he can be!

mummybussy Thu 02-Aug-12 20:00:42

Hi Lala.
So so impressed with you strength at the mo. your post have become so determined and focused. And I've followed you from the start...silently sending you good vibes and occasionally not being able to hide my thoughts when he has been a bigger t**t than usual.
Keep positive, keep focused and try and get some precious sleeeeep!!
Wishing you all the best with sleep training , I know what torture sleep deprevation can be (dd didn't sleep for more than 1 hour at a time through night for 2years) but difference being I had just the one(not 3dc!) and a semi supportive husband ...who slept through the 'noise' every night, but did give me some lie in's/naps every weekend. How you're still vaguely functioning is beyond me, so BRAVO TO YOU!! :-)
X

LalaDipsey Fri 03-Aug-12 06:43:10

I have decided to not lie to his sisters if they ask anything but I don't call them anyway so won't just to tell them. We don't see them very often, either.
Once he is moving out & tells his family I am sure his sisters will get in touch & I will tell them. He wouldn't listen to them anyway.
Last week, he said he was away all week so I booked the night nanny & then he said he'd be back Thursday & I said he couldn't because she was booked so I needed to sleep in his room whilst she slept with the babies. Anyway, he rang to say he didn't need to be away but he had booked a hotel room or could come home and 'jump into bed with me'!!! Like, because I've finally had some sleep (which he has not contributed to) I'm going to want that!
Obviously I said no.
At the end of the call he then said 'do you miss me?'
I said 'I'm not getting into that now' I mean FFS the nanny was sitting right next to me plus !???!!!!???
If he asks again I am going to say that I don't. That I miss the family life & husband I thought I would have but that I don't miss the drinking, anger and walking on eggshells!

LalaDipsey Fri 03-Aug-12 06:48:33

I think you're right,Secret it won't be a massive surprise from some questions they've asked me over the years. But of course at family gatherings he has tended to portray 'father of the year!' sorry your brother can be an absolute arse! sad
Thanks, mummybussy - gosh I don't know how you survived with no more than an hour wow!
Last night dts slept through 7-6 without needing picking up at all and no feeds!!! grin
Dtd woke twice before feeding at 11.45 and once after, at 5am so just 4x in total AND only fed once so mahoosive leaps forward!!! No more night nanny unless desperate so it's all up to me to follow through on now!!

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