DH Thinks it's selfish for me to want to do somthing for myself

[Sugarmag]

For the last four years I've been working from home for my husband's business. It helps keep us all sane because it means I've got lots of flexibility and helps reduce his working hours. But I've also got a degree in psychology and 10 years experience working as a database programmer (BC!). So working part-time from my house entering spreadsheets and typing up newsletters is not exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Although it works for both of us at the moment we've talked a lot about the fact that it probably won't be forever and that at some point I would like get back into psychology or go back to uni or something.

Anyway, a few months back I started looking into Childline. I thought this would be something I could do that would really interest and challenge me and could be done evenings/weekends without interfering too much with kids and job and stuff. So I just started my training, which I am absolutely loving. And on a technical level DH is doing what I need him to do - ie looking after the kids when I'm doing the training - which to him is being supportive. Except every time I try to talk to him about it he only has negative things to say.

We did some difficult things in the training this week which I think I did pretty well at and ended up feeling really good about myself. I thought - 'Yeah, I can do this'. Then I come home only to have DH tell me that he thinks

1. the whole thing is a waste of time because it's not a real job and
   
   2)it's very unfair of me to want to do something for myself because it's inconvenient to other people!!
   
   So now I don't knwo whether to be angry at him or sad that he doesn't understand how much this means to me or pissed off because he thinks he can just say hurtful things to me....

[Mum2girls]

I think you have a right to be both. Some men automatically think that their requirements are paramount and that women should be ever self-sacrificing.

Don't even think about not following your chosen path.

Go out for an evening, you and dh and try to knock some sense into him.

Am v.angry on your behalf.

[Iklboo]

All 3!! It sounds a little like he's jealous of you wanting to stretch yourself and do things for other people, rather than being at his back and call all the time. And scared that he's going to lose you in some way.
What 'other people' are you inconveniencing? Him? And why - becuase he has to look after HIS children now and again?

[Chandra]

It's not a waste of time and you are not selfish either. I would ignore him at least until you have finished your training when the job possibilities are more real and easier to explain to your DH.

In the mean time don't let him knock your enthusiasm but don't have big rows about it either, you need him to take care of the children while you are learning .

[NomDePlume]

I agree with Mum2girls. It sounds like DH has got used to you being some sort of domestic & maternal robot and the realisation that you want to expand your horizons has jerked his chain.

There strikes me as very little point in getting angry with him, it will only make him more stubborn and less open to the fact that it is important to you on a number of levels. I can only suggest talking to him in as calm a manner as you can manage (not a easy, I know). Explain to him that you know your job has meant that a few adjustments have had to be made, but that you really appreciate all his extra input and he is enabling you to make more of yourself (i know, i know, but if you make him seem like the hero in it then he's more likely to chill out a bit). That the bit of independence you get from your job gives you extra confidence and motivation in the other areas of your life.


Of course that could all be codswallop, but it's worth a try.

[Sugarmag]

thanks mum2girls for being angry for me! makes me feel a bit better :-)

As for who it's inconveniencing - well him obviously but according to him also his mum because it means I sometimes ask her to spend time with her grandchildren. Expect I've spoken to her about it and she is fine! She loves spending time with the kids and she's not shy about telling me when it doesn't suit her. So just him then.

[motherinferior]

ChildLine is an excellent organisation. And the counselling training there is very good, I think; so in many ways this is an ideal step towards something which will be paid at some point (if that's what he's worried about). He sounds a bit threatened to me - and no, I don't think that's your fault either!

I'm so sorry you're in this position. Please stick to your guns. Make the point about a route to a paid job if that helps. I completely sympathise.

[ninah]

I just can't see how working for an organisation like Childline can be contrued as selfish!

[ssd]

sugarmag I think you are brilliant for volunteering to work for Childline.You should be very proud of yourself.Your dh has his nose out of joint and it's his problem, the selfish sod. Don't give up your training, you know he's in the wrong.

[Sugarmag]

I am hoping this might lead to a paid job eventually. I originally looked into it because I thought it might help me get into a graduate psychology programme I had my eye on. Now it turns out this particular psych programme is not going to happen for me (long story about BPS not recognising my undergrad degree from American). But the more I learned about Childline the more I thought it was something I wanted to do anyway, just for it's own sake. And maybe it will also help me figure out what to do next - maybe a counselling or social work qualification somewhere down the line..?

But the point is DH and I have talked about all this. He KNOWS all this and yet ... ? I don't know - maybe just pure male pigheadedness???? Doesn't like doing anything different.

the other thing is, I LOOOOVVVEE my kids. I love being a mum and I'm really proud of them. But it's not enough, is it? I need something I can be good at and clever at when they're off living their own lives. He has that - something he's good at and works hard at adn gets respect adn recognition for. Why is it unfair for me to want that too?

[motherinferior]

It isn't, it really isn't.

I think a lot of men find it difficult to appreciate, genuinely, that their partners' occupations (paid or not) are as valid as theirs. I now live with a man who does (but I still have to sort out all the childcare admin, packed lunches, school trainers, etc etc, grumble...)

[caligula]

Jesus, how selfish is he.

Gobsmacked, frankly. Obviously, you should just organise the whole of your brain, body, energy and thoughts around him. Any deviation from that is selfish.

Is it 2005? Or the 1950's?

[Sugarmag]

thanks so much all of you. I'm sitting here crying but also feeling better for all the support.

[ssd]

So sorry you're crying

I want to slap your dh hard.

[caligula]

I think sometimes as well, the partner who works outside the home for cash, can feel resentful of the one who is home with the kids even when they're working at home, 1/ because as we all know, it's just a big skive and involves sitting around watching Trisha and eating chocolate eclairs and 2/ because in your case, you're doing something worthwhile, fulfilling and enjoyable outside the home as well. There's a temptation to feel "well I'd like the luxury to do something worthwhile that will build my self-esteem and ego as well and help society, but I've got to bring home the bacon thank you very much". Could your DH be suffering from that kind of resentment (as opposed to just the straightforward one of imagining that his wife really ought to organise all her waking hours round her familie's (ie his) convenience)?

[Sugarmag]

Hey caligula - no I think it's just the straightforward kind of resentment ie I should organise my waking hours around his. I don't think the other thing is really an issue with him because he doesn't just "bring home the bacon" ie have a 9-5 job that pays the bills. He runs his own business very successfully, he does a lot of academic work - lectures, conferences, setting coursework and exams in his field, he's on committees where he has a major say in what happens. Actually, i think it's just the opposite, not resentment but the feeling that what he does really is more important than anything i could want to do. I tried to talk to him about this tonight and was informed that really this Childline thing was 'just a hobby'.

I tried to talk to him tonight. To make him understand why this is important to me and as per his usual he completely changed his tune until he looks like he's being all reasonable. He claims he never said it was unfair for me to want to do something for myself. He says that what he said was it was unfair for me to come home on a Wednesday night and only give him 3 days notice to ask him to change his schedule for me on Saturday. Except that's not what he said! He just changes things becuase heaven forbid he should ever just be wrong.

This is totally typical of him whenever we argue. He claims I can't remember what he actually said then he changes it to suit himself. So now I'm mad at him for another reason!

And a third - he's also pissed that I had the audacity to talk to my best friend today because I was so upset about this. (Actually, he said 'friends' and 'everyone' as if I was spreading rumours about him all over town instead of confidng in one person) He's worried that now she's going to think bad things about him. He actually said he just won't talk to me anymore or pass comment on anything I do for fear that I might say something negative to her. Honestly!!! How the hell can we even have a marriage if he says he's never going to talk to me. And how can he not understand that when I'm upset I need someone I can confide in?

How did this turn from an argument about Childline to me wondering how the hell I'm even supposed to live with this person. I can't even sleep in the same room with him tonight I'm so mad at him.

Help please!!

[Sugarmag]

Ok, so in the last 10 minutes he's suddenly had a change of heart. He sent me - by text message from the bedroom! - an apology. Granted it was only by text but I think I can accept that that's the best I'm going to get from him right now. I went and talked to him again and he almost actually admitted that maybe he did say some of the things i was mad about last night but didn't really mean them. He says he was annoyed about Saturday and caught off guard and ok, fair enough, I think I can accept that too. He SAYS he supports me in this and that he loves me. Whether he really truly believes it and believes he was actually wrong or whether he was just tired of fighting about it I suppose I'll never know. Men! Why do they have to put us through all this torture.

Of course the problem now is that he'll be asleep in 5 minutes (probably already is) and happy as a clam tomorrow and I'll still be shaken up by the last 24 hours. But that's got to be my problem I guess. Phew. I am so worn out from the anger and the stress adn the tears adn yet I know it will be ages before I can get to sleep. Thanks so much for everyone's support - it's amazing how much it helps to have a bunch of complete strangers to talk to.

[caligula]

What is with him? Text messaging from the bedroom? Do you live in a mansion?

Why are men so bizarre? Text message? Text message? ???????

[Sugarmag]

I know, I KNOW!!

It's about 5 steps from the bedroom to the study where I'm sitting. But it was easier than actually having to say the words 'I'm sorry'! Maybe something else we need to work on but we'll leave that for another day I think!

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Sugarmag]

sorry but what's WW?

[Sugarmag]

not that it matters exactly what it is - I was just curious. It's what you do. Tell me, are there really any truly enlightened men out there?

[Fio2]

sorry sugarmag but I have just pmsl at the text message from the bedroom itr sounds so funny

[Sugarmag]

Hee, hee, it is pretty funny. What makes it even funnier is that it was such a sweet message - he's just too much of a neanderthal to actually say the words out loud! Seriously, WHERE ARE ALL THE ENLIGHTENED MEN!!?? If anyone knows will you please tell me.

Ok I thin kthe fact that I can laugh at this now means I cna probably go to sleep. After only 5 1/2 hours sleep last night I'll pass out tomorrow if I don't go now.

[Sugarmag]

Also the fact that I can no longer spell is prabably a hint.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn