struggling with being gay..guess what ? its long!

[ambivalent]

I dont know where to start or what im even trying/wanting to say here.

i think im just airing some of my feelings...in the hope that someone chips in.please give up if its too rambly/random to read ..im writing thsi as much for myself, as to get replies x

As a little intro, im 34,have one son [2yrs next week]and a dp[male] of 8 years.ive felt different from everyone else on some level since i was pretty young...but im also very sociable,have dear close friends and in many ways have a great life.i scrub up quite well..but can run to ruin pretty quickly.

Underneath im struggling with very low self esteem and my 'increasingly' lesbian sexuality.which may or may not be linked.


its sounds such a cliche but i really am CONFUSED about my sexuality!youd think it'd be quite easy 'men? or women?' but its so hard.

i love my dp and we have had as warm and as wild a relationship as you might expect. during pregnancy especially,i fancied him with a renewed passion!

what i find though is that every six months or so something just wants to burst out of me...as though im 'living a lie'[cliche after cliche]

i have been a pretty regular mumsnetter for about a year...more lurking than posting...but this isnt my regular name [not that youd know me...i havent been on one list yet!]

these days i log on much less frequently. i think im trying to say that this prob wont be much of a juicy interactive thread...but i would welcome and really appreciate any of your thoughts.
i started off crying and now feel strangely calm!

i have just re read this and for such a long post it hardly says anything!
xx

[Toothache]

Wow! Don't know what to say! Apart from that you're lucky you still have those "fancying him" feelings for your DP (whether they are male or female). Perhaps you are bisexual? Have you had a lesbian relationship/encounter? Does DP know about any of this?

[PinotGirl]

Ambivalent, I've just come out after years of fighting both my sexuality and my desire to be "normal" and have relationships with men.

For me, it wasn't about not liking men but about being more comfortable with women. That was on all levels not just physical.

This is clearly something you are having troubles with. Does dp know how you feel? Are you thoughts about women generalised or is there someone in particular? I think it's perfectly normal to find women attractive whether you're gay/straight or bisexual.

As Toothache says, perhaps you are bisexual?? It's unfortunate the world is so caught up in labels. It's about finding something your comfortable with.

If I can be any help feel free to CAT me.

[Tortington]

forgive my naivity but if your happy with your partner does it matter what lable you give yourself?

[ambivalent]

Noone knows!

i have never had any kind of sexual experience with a woman.no crushes either! weirdly i dont feel like actually pursuing anything like that.

Having said 'noone knows',i bet a few people would say 'that figures' when i do eventually come out [some time around the olympics!]

...because i was a tom boy,im a good thrower and was never overly girly!
These days though im quite feminine in my appearance and enjoy showing off my curves..though i have 'madonna arms' and am still a good thrower

sometimes i do think im bisexual because i am sooo confused.
i have definitly categorically fancied boys /men in my teens but less so recently.
i was never really lusty towards boys though,and found it very easy to be matey
i think i have a very negative way of thinking of lesbians and that is the root of my struggle...its like i have to accept that im part of a group that i cannot really identify with atall

of course the big big thing im dreading is trying to share all this with dp.my eyes fill instantly i think of it,and it makes me want to pretend itll all be ok if i just blank my inner inner feelings out.oh god.

[ambivalent]

i crossed then with custardo and pinot..ill go back and read em

[Eaney]

I have heard it said that sexuality is a broad spectrum and rarely are people exclusively at one end or the other. Our position on the spectrum can change throughout your life.

I used to work in a very male/macho team and one day one of the guys and I had to do some work in Soho. We had a couple of hours to kill and he suggested we tour the gay bars. I could see he was excited maybe even a little turned on in the bars. I think he was just exploring this part of his sexuality. i knew him well and untill that moment would have said that he was as straight as you get. Just ramply thoughts.

[ambivalent]

custardo
at the moment im not that happy with dp cos ive got strong feelings that he doesnt know about and so i dont feel very close to him
pinot girl,
what you said about 'feeling comfortable with' really struck a chord with me...cos its so vague and yet a deeply personal feeling

sorry these are so short and blunt.i dont make much sense at the best of times but at the moment im really wobbly on even the most basic questions! thanks for teh CAT offer x