Newbie in need of advice – sorry long

[flibertygibbet]

DH and I have a 10 month old daughter whose birthday is on Monday 3rd Oct. We had dilemma about what to for DD?s first birthday party, we wanted to include baby friends, neighbors and both our families who live away and our house isn?t really big enough for everyone at once.

After much deliberation with DH we decided to have a big family party at our house on the day before DD birthday (Sunday 2nd Oct) and a baby party on Sat 1st Oct. The family party would have been the first event with everyone together including DH family since DD?s birth. DH and I aren?t into religion so this party would our equivalent of a Christening.

We made this decision in June and let everyone know at once to put it in their calendars. I called my younger sister in particular to make sure she knew since she had recently got engaged and I wanted to avoid a clash with her wedding.

My younger sister (DS) called me yesterday to say that she has set the date for her wedding, it?s the same weekend as the parties and it?s 150 miles away.

DS said she thought that DD?s party would be the following weekend (she had forgotten what date DD's birthday is). At that point her phone was playing up so she said she would recharge her phone and ring back in a couple of hours.

She called 9 hours later and said ?have you sorted it out what to do about the party then?? she just assumed I had moved the party. When I pointed out that it was my 30th birthday the weekend before (and we?re going away) so we couldn?t have the party then she said she had to go because she was upset. We haven?t talked since and she has a history of ignoring calls and refusing to speak to people she?s upset with.

I really don?t want to have the party the following week because that?s just before I go back to work after 1 year of maternity leave and DD starts nursery for the first time. I can?t see another option and I?m really frustrated that this has happened when I let everyone know early to avoid it. I?m also really annoyed that DD, who she?s supposedly so fond of, isn?t important enough for her to even consider a different date. I can?t change the date DD was born.

Sorry about the long post. Does anyone have any thoughts/ideas?

[soapbox]

Hmmm, a hard one.

In the pecking order parties are less important than weddings but you did give her some warning!

Do both parties have to be weekends?

Surely at least the baby friends party could be during the week??

Then why not have a naming party instead for all of the family sometime later in October???

[starlover]

if it was me i'd tell her where to stick it. but then i'm like that!

[Kazziegirl]

What has the rest of your family said about it?

[Tortington]

i would try to be a little magnanimous. your child will have other birthdays and you can think of other things to make her day special.

your sister will only have one wedding ( hopefully after allits supposed to be the point)

[expatinscotland]

Sorry but at 1 they're not going to remember their birthday. I'd have a small restaurant meal for family on the actual day of the birthday and then go for your sister's wedding. As custardo pointed out, your daughter will have many more birthdays, but your sister's wedding day is special.

[compo]

so her wedding will be on Saturday 1st October and your dd's birthday will be Sunday 2nd October. I think you should back down on this one. As someone said you can have the baby party in the week and perhaps some kind of get together on the actual day with your family as they will all be together for the wedding? It all depends on what kind of relationship you want with your sister after this. You could tell her to shove it but then it's not going to bode well in the future is it? What do your parents think?

[SleepySuzy]

Agree with Custardo. The 1st do is more for you than them. Make it special, but it can be any day of the week.

[flibertygibbet]

Thanks for the replies.

Unfortunately the baby birthday party does need to be at the weekend as most of my baby group are back at work already.

I've been putting off talking to dm (no df on scene) because she takes ds's side in all things (she's the youngest of 5) and I don't want this all to blow up until I've at least decided on an approach.

I agree ds's wedding is important but to be honest, if the situation were reversed, my dm would go on about the first birthday party being a one time only event and I'd have to move the wedding.

[Chandra]

Well, considering how difficult it is find dates available for a venue (especially when the wedding is in less than two months time) I think that you have it easier to change it.

She only gets married once, your baby has many birhtdays coming and can't see the difference between celebrating on her birthday or even weeks afterwards.

[ark]

My family all live quite far away - my nieces first bday is beginning of April - now I couldn't make it because of work commitments which came up after the original arrangement was made so we moved it till two weeks after. I think that she really won't remember whether its her exact bday or not. IMO it is far harder to change the date of the wedding and I probably would have had the same reation as your sister.

Are you thinking that you would miss your sisters wedding to do the party? I think that is something you would regret - mind you I don't know what your relationship is like.

I am sorry for you is a horrid situation and an annoying this to have to sort out, but take comfort from the fact that your sister is obviously very upset about the situation too. hope you can sort it. x

[steffee]

I would be upset that she's forgotten your dd's birthday but if she's already planned the wedding, you'll have no choice but to accept it, or not go, and risk causing ructions in the family for years.

What are you doing for your 30th birthday? Could you tie the family party into that?

I know a first b'day is special, but your baby won't actually remember it, and I'm sure the mums of the other babies won't mind you rearranging (or even cancelling if there's no other date suitable) seeing as you've got your sister's wedding!

Will your baby be at the wedding? If so, then your family will fuss over the baby as much as your sister, as it's her first birthday.

[steffee]

Also, just had a thought... are any other babies celebrating first birthdays near your baby's birthday? If so, then you could maybe ask the other baby's parents if they would mind having a joint party with you and your baby.

[flibertygibbet]

Thanks for your ideas/opinions, it's good to have a sounding board while I decide what to do.

The wedding is a registry office and a meal at a restaraunt. DD is a bridesmaid so she would be there.

My 30th will be a night out with friends and a weekend away in the Lake District with DH and DD.

I am upset that she forgot DD's birthday and my prior arrangements but what really gets me mad is that she didn't even apologise or acknowledge that she screwed up. It might have been nice if she had approached it with "I'm really sorry, I forgot and I can't change it because xxx, is there any way you could help me out?" or similar. It's the assumption that what she was doing was more important and the I'm going now because I'm upset"- her tone was very much that I was out of order.

We aren't close, the last few years she has only been talking to me on and off. She's been well out of order before and has refused to talk to me for months because I was upset. She refused to answer any calls from me after DD was born beacuse I tried to rearrange a visit from her to a different day (I hadn't been consulted, I was just told she was coming by DM).

I think I'll wait a day or two and try and talk to DM since I'm pretty sure DS won't answer the phone now anyway.

Thanks for your help.

[shhhh]

Mmmm sounds like my sister....I would stick to my guns and have the party as planned (you were first after all), I would also turn down the request of dd being bridesmaid..Why should you do her favours when she doesn't do the same for you..??? But thats my opinion, I know how hard it is with sisters who try to be awkward. But that said, even I sometimes give into mine..for a quiet life . Good luck.

[hettie]

Sounds to me like this isn?t just to about the clash of dates, but the bigger picture of a difficult relationship with your mum and sister??.
What to do? Well, that depends on what you want from those relationships in the long run. I guess to me it?s about how much you value them. A btw I think it?s perfectly acceptable to not value them just because you?re related to them. It?s always a two way thing; does your sister deserve to be treated well? If she?s a lovely person whom you want to maintain a good relationship with, I would change your arrangements. If your sister is actually difficult, demanding and does nothing to support or help you then maybe she doesn?t deserve to be treated with the same amount of respect. If it were a friendship, how would you feel about her? Sometimes we feel obligated by family, but it shouldn?t excuse bad behaviour.

[flibertygibbet]

Update.

I have tried calling DM 3 times and left messages and still no response. This is driving me mad. I suspect DM is refusing to speak to me, presumably because DS has talked to her.

I received the wedding invitation this morning and, as I suspected, DS is sticking to her guns on the date. I still can't figure out what to do.

Aaaargh! - (that helps)

DH is taking me out for dinner to try and cheer me up (what would I do without him?)

[frannyf]

I would be terribly upset and annoyed if I were you. It's not a case of whose event is more important, surely? The fact is that you planned yours first and gave everyone plenty of notice. Reading between the lines this is possibly the latest in a long list of slights and favouritism in your family? So sorry that this is hanging over your ds's first birthday

Having said all that, the only possible gracious thing to do is to change your dates to whatever suits you second best. You will emerge with your dignity intact and definitely hold the moral superiority! I hope you have a lovely dinner and can sort the whole mess out.