is your mum controlling

[jenk1]

mine is,phoning trying to interfere in decisions,telling me my decisions arent right,putting me down,the list goes on and on.....

[Caligula]

Yes and bonkers to boot.

[Nightynight]

yes yes yes yes yes....the only relationship I can have with her is where I do as she says all the time. I prefer no relationship

[jenk1]

ditto nightynight! and if i dont do as she suggests then she will sulk,i tried to talk to her about it a few weeks ago and she said
"im going to go home now"so i said "go on then", she has this ability to make me feel extremely guilty for doing what i want to do and i dont know why

[Nightynight]

snap jenk, except that Ive lost the guilty feeling now. My mother is a terrible sulker.
She threw the most massive hissy fit when I got married to the man she didnt want, and went full out to break the marriage. She can't help herself, it is just second nature to control everyone around her, and I dont think she even realises what she is doing.
She also makes no secret of the fact that she thinks Ive got no common sense.

[Oneday]

Yes. Fallen out since she won't take the baby for half an hour (she's nearly one) and wouldn't let us stay the night even when I begged that I didn't want to go back to the flat and be on my own like always. Critical, selfish, bonkers. I love her dearly, and you only get one mother etc etc but don't have the emotional resources to buoy her up because she refuses to see anything positive about anything. AAAaarrrrgh!

[Lizzylou]

Yep, she looks after DS for one day and my whole house is rearranged!
But she does do the ironing....

[dyzzidi]

Yes!!! Even came to 'help me' clean the house yesterday as I don't do it to her standard and MIL is coming next week. We are all going on Holiday for us to get married and she even told me I had better iron my travelling outfit properly as she didn't want me showing her up at the airport

I am 27 years old 20 wks PG Own my own home and am always dressed very smartly (non creased)

I think she just wants to keep me as her Baby.


I am also unfair as I do let her come and clean my house and rearrange the furniture so I allow most of the controlling behaviour as it does suit me.

[jenk1]

she doesnt like childminding my two kids and always umms and arrs when i ask her, i have to give a definate start and finish when me and dh go out, yet she has my other 2 sisters kids at the drop of the hat,for example, me and dh wanted to go out for a meal about 6 months ago and i asked her to child mind she said, no u went out not so long ago-what about me i dont get to go out,that some time ago was 3 months previously! tells me i shouldnt go out and visit a friend and leave dh babysitting-i should be the one staying in, and this is what really annoys me "everytime i see dh he is tidying up" well-yes he lives here as well,said to me and dh on holiday this year when are u having another baby, i said we have got one of each and dont feel the need to have another besides both me and ds have asperger syndrome so i have enough on my plate-she said "well i never got one of each" so i said "u are jealous arent you" she just sulked,its like she,s jealous cos i have a happy marriage and dh is a hands on dad....

[jenk1]

i have just had a row with DM, me and DH were going out in the car and she arranged to come but she has my neice staying and this afternoon said that i would have to arrange for someone to mind DS so that neice could come, anyway i didnt manage to so she stormed off in a huff with my neice, i thought hang on i have got to arrange a minder for DS cos u have only just told me that my neice is coming who,s mother lives on my street and could have watched her for 1/2 an hour, it was up to me to ask my sister to watch DS she said, anyway i phoned DM and she put the phone down. I have just written her a letter telling her how controlling i think she is and to stop checking up on me and DH all the time and how i feel she has resentment towards me, she wont talk to me when i try, i have the letter in my hand. DH says post it but i am being soft as usual and dont want to upset her even though she doesnt care about upsetting me..what shall i do?

[Nightynight]

jenk, a nasty situation, but I'd have it out with her one way or another. If you decide not to post the letter, maybe you could talk to her about it. Let her talk herself out, and stay very calm before you explain your point. I loved Caligula's line to repeat to yourself, it was something like "Im the sane adult, she's the lunatic"

Ive tried similar things with my mother, but she just convinces herself that she is right in every situation. I think deep down, she knows she isnt, but she prefers being how she is. I did try for a long time before I gave up.

[jenk1]

thats the thing whenever i try and talk to her she either leaves and goes home or ends the conversation on the phone so i cant talk to her she is also like your mum,will never admit when she,s in the wrong so i have to tell her how i feel, i have posted it by the way, she is going away this weekend so i probably wont hear anything until after then, usually when weve had a row i have to go round and patch things up,well not any more

[Nightynight]

gosh, this sounds sooo familiar!
Earlier this year, I pushed my parents to show what they really felt about me, by asking them for a favour that they have already given to my brother and his wife.
the answer was a resounding NO. they didnt even take time to consider it. without going into details, it was something that wouldnt have been difficult for them, but made a huge difference to me.

It is really for this reason that Ive given up. If it was just immature behaviour, Id probably still have a relationship with my mother, because at the end of the day, she can't really control me if I dont let her, because I am an adult now. The boring bit is having to be constantly on one's guard, and having to see through situations like the one you just described, instead of automatically jumping when she says jump.

[jenk1]

was walking thru town this morning with ds and dd and who should be coming around the corner but DM! i thought oh uh, but she was all smiles-for the children that is, and didnt say anything to me..at least it wasnt an uncomfortable situation. I woke up this morning and thought did i do the right thing-yes cos its the only way to get her to listen to me..we shall see

[crazydazy]

I can really sympathise with jenk1 because my DM is exactly like yours!!!

I asked her to look after the kids 8 weeks ago whilst we went shopping and she said she was fed up as I only wanted her for a babysitter which was so wrong!!! Anyway to cut a long story short I told her not to bother and haven't been in touch with her since, bearing in mind I am usually the one that kisses and makes up. Well I haven't this time and she has'nt phoned or nothing. But then she complains that the kids are closer to DP's mum and dad than her.

It hurts me more for the kids but to be honest I am as stubborn as she is (a trait my DP says I have inherited from her).

[Tommy]

I have come to the conclusion that mine just visits me to complain about the way my brothers and sisters bring up their children - God knows what she says to them about me!