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Relationships

Done something stupid

131 replies

undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 15:23

Be warned this may be a long one.....

Basically I slept with someone yesterday - and I don't mean dh....

He and his wife are good friends of dh and myself, we see each other regularly, kids best friends etc. Over the last month or so he and I have been doing quite a bit of mutual flirting which has led onto regular texting, texts getting quite steamy. We've met for a quick snog/grope when we can. He makes me feel amazing - passionate, desired, sexy etc, which dh doesn't though I've tried to feel like that - all the things that people feel when embarking on an affair (except not sure I can really call it that...). I even bought very sexy underwear for him.

Anyway yesterday he got home early and came round (at my suggestion) - we only had 15 minutes and as it was one of the only occassions we had to be alone at home we ended up in bed. It lasted all of 5 minutes and the second it was over he legged it home to have a bath before his dw got home. I knew we didn't have much time but even so suddenly found myself weeping buckets, and not sure why.

Still can't work it out completely - I didn't feel particularly 'used', but the sex wasn't good for me, to be honest after all the texts we'd sent saying what we'd do if we could in the end it came down to a quick sh*g.

Yesterday afternoon I was delerious with delight knowing something was going to happen, and also wondering how long it would go on for. And now I know it's over. The spark that was there has gone. There have been none of the naughty texts that made me grin from ear to ear - just a few saying are you ok. (I texted back saying I wasn't sure and haven't had a response...).

I just feel so let down. It was supposed to be so passionate and all-encompassing and has just fizzled like a damp squib.

I know I shouldn't feel like this - it feels like I've been dumped and I haven't but my emotions are all over the place.

At least now it's over and I've learnt my lesson. I know dh and I need to work on our marriage which is basically OK but he doesn't do a great deal for me to be honest. And how do I explain all the new underwear - which he isn't the remotest bit interested in.

Oh I'm just going round in circles here. Please tell me it'll get better. Also really unsure how I'm going to face the other guy - we're due to see him with some other friends tonight. Serves me right I guess...

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lunavix · 23/08/2005 15:26

Can't be much help sorry but try the new underwear as an attempt to respark your marriage?

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Twiglett · 23/08/2005 15:27

get divorced

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compo · 23/08/2005 15:30

well, I guess you have three options. One, confess to yoour husband, hope that he forgives you and go to counselling together. Two, realise that the spark you are looking for isn't there in your marriage and tell your husband it's over. Thirdly, don't tell your dh and try and move on and work on your marriage

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stitch · 23/08/2005 15:31

ouch
grass isnt greener on the other side.
stay away from him as much as possible. dont flirt, dont text. of course sex with your dh isnt great, its not forbidden. any forbidden fruit is always wonderful.
work at your marriage. forgive yourself, but dont be so selfish as to tell your dh what you have done

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Blu · 23/08/2005 15:33

It sounds as if it might have been the process you were being excited by, rather than him. Although it is not surprising that a 5 min sh*g was at all satisfying.
Were you living in a little fantasy that has now burst? He is probably feeling the same as you - not 'dumped' you, but wondering what on earth he was doing jeopardising marriages, friendships...and feeling a bit sheepish? No reflection on you, just the general crash landing in reality?

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eefs · 23/08/2005 15:36

I agree with Compo's three options and am guessing that option 3 - don't tell your dh and try and move on and work on your marriage - probably sounds best right now. Hopefully it might help you to realise if you want your marraige to work or if it's salvagable. Look on the bright side - it was a complete anti-climax (excuse the pun) so will stop you doing this again, at least while you want your marraige to work. You need to face the other guy too to see if he's going to tell etc as that will have an impact on you.
It will get better but it depends on you deciding and commiting to what you want - you probably wouldn't get away with it a second time.

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Twiglett · 23/08/2005 15:36

what's wrong in your marriage that you were flailing around flirting with a friend anyway?

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 15:42

No I have no intention of telling dh. And no getting divprced isn't an option - we have two children. Basically I married the wrong man. There was never any spark there. He gave me the security I desperately needed and I felt I had more status being married (yes I know huge self esteem problems at the time). But now I have the kids I don't feel I need him for security or confidence - I am as self-confident as I can be. However dh and I get on pretty well as friends and we have 2 kids so don't want to damage them.

I just saw this as a way of getting the passion I so want in my life - to be honest I've never really felt like this before and it was wonderful to feel so desired. I still want it to happen, but properly. But I guess the lack of texts means it's on it's way out which is probably best though it hurts like hell cos I just keep thinking of what could have been. I just feel so jealous of couples who are still so much in love after years of marriage.

I will have to try and work on our marriage but now scared that dh will wonder why when I've seemed to have been quite happy for so long. Also scared that he won't particularly want things to change and that then things will come to a head. Also he says ranchy underwear (at least the sort I've got) makes him laugh not get turned on.

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Mosschops30 · 23/08/2005 15:43

Message withdrawn

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spacedonkey · 23/08/2005 15:43

I don't believe mn is a place for being judgemental, and yet I feel for your husband ... if you know he is the wrong man for you, you should (for his sake as much as yours) be honest with him? Surely he has a right to be with someone who really wants to be with him?

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lunavix · 23/08/2005 15:44

"I am as self-confident as I can be. However dh and I get on pretty well as friends and we have 2 kids so don't want to damage them."

You won't necessarily damage them by splitting up. Fighting causes much more problems than an amicable split.

Try talking to your husband, explain you want more from your marriage. See what he says.

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 15:48

Blu

I think you've got it in one. He is drop-dead gorgeous, but yes I think it was the process and all the stuff that lead up to yesterday that was exiting. Although I do wonder that if we had spent a beautiful hour in bed whether I'd feel the same. That's the thing that's confusing me at the moment tbh - was it the sex that I feel let down by or the fact that it became real?

Don't know how he feels - you may be right. I asked if he was OK and just got a non-commital text back saying fine just loads of meetings to go to.

Dh thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread so will continue to see him regularly but I guess that'll be easier in time.

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BunnyBoo · 23/08/2005 15:49

I have to agree with spacedonkey.

I feel you are being selfish in a way and you seem to want to have your cake and eat it. If you feel that way about your dh you should let things come to a head and move on in your life.
I understand you have children but if your not happy or satisfied then why stay?

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spacedonkey · 23/08/2005 15:49

It's just the blase way you are talking about it!

God knows I'm not the person to judge

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BunnyBoo · 23/08/2005 15:51

Ok lets try turning things around how would you feel if your Dh was up to what you are doing right now?

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Mud · 23/08/2005 15:53

i feel sorry for 2 people in this and its not you or your 'friend'

you have spent a month lying you've just cheated on yoru husband and yet you seem justified in feeling let down you need to grow up and take responsibility for your life and your husband and your children

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 15:54

Lunavix - we don;t fight at all. We agree on most things and we're both pretty easy going. We're friends really and we have a good family life. Splitting up is not an option - he couldn't afford to live close by and he is very involved as a father so that would kill him not to be able to see much of his kids.

Yes he does have a right to be with someone who really wants to be with him - but tbh I don;t think he would choose that option even knowing how I feel as he would miss out on the kids.

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Munchkinola · 23/08/2005 15:56

Do you think this is a blip in your marriage or a sign of something more serious?

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Lizzylou · 23/08/2005 15:58

Undercoverregular has, by starting this thread (look at the title) asked for help and advice, not people to pass judgement....
She has admitted she made a mistake and has been extremely honest, she is obviously upset and going through a hard time.

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 16:00

Munchkinola - not sure. Tbh didn't really think there was much wrong - thought most people's marriages were similar. Then was suddenly confronted with an alternative way of feeling about somebody.... Feels as if I've been wearing old comfy slippers all my life and someone has just bought me a pair of Jimmy Choos.

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 16:01

Thanks Lizzylou!

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BunnyBoo · 23/08/2005 16:03

i am sorry but i have to disagree.

Undercoverregular has written -

I still want it to happen, but properly.

so she obviously does not think it was something stupid because she would not 1) want it still to happen and 2) wants it to happen properly.

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Munchkinola · 23/08/2005 16:03

Trust me I know how that feels.

My advice re:tonight would to be to pretend it never happened.

It will get better but depends what you choose to do as to how long it will take.

Dunno if you are at this stage yet but I went to Relate on my own for counselling about how I felt about my marriage and it really helped.

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emily05 · 23/08/2005 16:03

Are you upset that the sex was bad or that you have cheated? I am not having a go at you - it is a serious question. From what you have said - I could be wrong - you are upset that the passion and excitment has gone now because the sex was naff.
I think that you should be more worried that you have cheated on your dh. I would be mortified if dh did this behind my back with a friend - it is the ultimate betrayal.
If I were you I would make a choice - stay faithful and work on your marriage or be honest and give your dh a chance of fidning happiness elsewhere, or staying with you knowing how you feel. The choice should be his.

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undercoverregular · 23/08/2005 16:03

Bunnyboo - would probably be gutted, but because it would force things to change - like kids, lifestyle, friends etc and I don't want any of that to change. If I found out and didn;t have to confront him about it, I don't know, probably not that bothered though it would put me off sleeping with him.

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