Same kid keeps hitting my DS - long...

[becstarlitsea]

DS is in the nursery class of our local primary school. He's 3 and a half. Every day he's gone to school for the past two weeks, the same kid has hit him - hard enough to leave a mark each time (ie a mark that is still there a few hours later). DS has started to get worried about going to school - crying in the mornings, not wanting me to go. He'd settled really well, but is very upset now, dreading going. He says that he worries that this kid will hit him all day, and then he does The teachers are well aware of it, and say that it isn't just my son, that there is 'an ongoing problem which we're well aware of' and they are taking steps - it sounds like they're doing everything they can do, but I'd be glad to hear what MNers think they should be doing or what I should be asking them/suggesting etc.

Today DS has a small purple mark above his eye. The teachers sent the boy home for that incident - another child was hurt as well - the teachers called the kid's parents to come and get him and told me that they treated it as 'a serious incident'. They broke up today for Easter, so DS isn't going back for a few weeks.

My concern is how to protect DS, make sure that he doesn't get phobic about school, how best to handle his anxiety (which seems a reasonable reaction to the situation... I'd be anxious about going to work if someone punched me every time I went there...), how best to talk to the school. I don't want to take DS out of the nursery, as he'd only be going back there for Reception in a few months, and I think that could cause more anxiety in the long run - am I right? And he's not the only one in the class getting hit by this kid, although he is the only one crying in the mornings about it. And it's making me very worried about him.

Any thoughts on how I should handle this? Best way to talk to DS? Best way to talk to the teachers? My concern is that because I was bullied at school myself, that I might project anxieties onto DS and make things worse, so I'd welcome a few thoughts from people not emotionally involved.

[NikkiH]

Are the teachers aware of how your DS is feeling? They need to be doing more to help him feel safe and secure and realise that the other child's behaviour is unacceptable.

Perhaps you, DS and his teacher could sit down together and discuss the situation, how DS is feeling and how he could play with nice children and this other child be kept away from him.

Maybe arrange some playdates with other children from nursery for him so that he has someone to look forward to seeing and playing with when he goes to nursery too?

[becstarlitsea]

Thanks for replying!

I've told teachers how DS is feeling, but not sure if they really understand. His teacher said that she talked to DS about it today, and that she thought he understood.

DS does have a lot of friends at the nursery, and he's had playdates and been invited to every birthday party etc. The teacher says that she thinks that's part of why DS has been such a frequent target - she said all this obliquely, being careful not to identify the child (although of course I know who he is because DS has told me all about it!) but to paraphrase... she said that this kid doesn't know how to make friends, and when he sees a group all playing together he wants to join in, doesn't know how, and so hits one of them. Since my DS is quite popular (god I sound 'oh my DS is marvellous'... but honestly, he is sociable) he is often at the centre of a group of playing children and this other kid seems to react to that with anger/jealousy/frustration/desire to get DSs attention without knowing how.

But of course DS doesn't perceive himself as popular - well, he's only three so he doesn't really have a sense of what any of that means! He just doesn't want to get thumped.

[DreamTeamGirl]

Oh your poor DS
It cant be nice to be getting thumped every day can it? Even when it ISNT meant to be horrid.

Is there just one class? I am a bit suprised that the teachers arent running a tighter intervention. I know when there was some biting at our private day nursery the satff were all over it, and made sure the perpetrator was headed off at the pass every time they looked likely to take a chunk, and they also read a set of cautionary tales- will try and find a link- Aha be a bully billy www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-Bully-Billy-Cautionary-Tales/dp/0746096348/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&s=books&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 qid=1270070327&sr=1-12 Give that back jack was a particular favourite. Maybe you could buy one and let DS take it in if they are allowed to bring their own books in to be read to the class?

I think as far as helping him cope, you just need to be really up beat about it, and when it happens, say 'yes its rotten isnt it? I hope x-child grows up soon and then they wont be mean and cross anymore. But tell me about what you and x-friend did- did you play in the sand today?' So you acknowledge it but not dwell too much on it and remind him about the good things too

Good luck, it sounds horrid

[completelyshotpelvicfloor]

Same thing here. I took (secret) photos of DD and went to head teacher. Explained previous discussions with class teacher. Told head that I would take DD out of school and make a complaint that my childs H&S was at risk due to lack of supervision of another child. Sorted! Other child taken out of school for two weeks.

I used books with my DD too. I will look them out and post the titles. They worked a treat although DD is now a little over zealous in sticking up for other children who she sees being picked on.

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to show your child that this is upsetting for you. They would think you odd if you looked like you didn't care.
I promise you that there can be a happy ending.

[luciemule]

Obviously at nursery age, the other child's behaviour is a result of frustration/anger/inability to communicate what he wants etc however, your son should feel he's in a safe environment and the high ratios necessary at pre-school age, means that children should not be left alone to repeatedly and physically hurt another child. It's strnage how they can't stop it before it happens. At the previous preschool where I was chair person, there was a statemented child who had hitting issues through frustration and yet he probably only once did any harm (broke someone's glasses) because staff were always watching all of the children all of the time.
I would write (now that you['ve already spoken to the teacher)outling your concerns and stating that you want your child to be supervised properly and that if he continued to come home with marks (and take photos of them), you will need to take it further with the LEA/Ofsted. That should shift them into doing something! They really should be working with the child's parents too and have a plan to curb his negative behaviour.
If it's caused marks that show when you pick him up from nursery, they should have asked you to sign the accident book.

[becstarlitsea]

Thank you - really helpful replies. DS said today that he's missing going to nursery - typical! The class is big - 50 in my son's year, divided into six roughly equal sized classes. There are about 10 adults usually in attendance from my own rough headcount - a mixture of volunteers, qualified teachers, TAs and nursery qualified staff. I think this ratio would be fine if there weren't quite so many kids with challenging behaviour there. The Ofsted report comments on the level of social deprivation of kids at this, our local primary school, and sadly it is very obvious even at the nursery. Not that poor kids are necessarily worse behaved than rich kids, but there are issues with a fair few kids - social workers coming to pick them up, kids who turn up obviously unwashed in dirty clothes that they were wearing yesterday - and I suspect that the teachers are having to work extra hard to help some of these kids. They're doing a great job though. And the kids are mostly lovely. Actually they're all lovely.... as long as they don't thump my DS!!! At which point I lose all patience and sense of reason...

[luciemule]

LOL at going to nursery in clothes they had been wearing the day before! Just wait until you're making the school jumper do 'just one more day' until Friday!.
If my childrens' clothes aren't dirty, they wear them again (not underwear obviously!).