Just received IEP for my DS.....am furious!

[hairycake]

I am new to mumsnet so please be patient with me but I need some advice/help from anybody, especially those who may have been in a similar situation. A quick bit of background info: My DS had delayed sppeech and was dmitted on a ten week intensive speech therapy course at out local ICAN Nursery at the age of 3. It has been a lot of hard work for all concerned, especially my 5yr old DS, but he is now in year one, and confidently socialising and conversing with his peers, something two years ago, we thought that we'd never see. A couple of weeks ago, the week before half term infact I found an IEP in my sons book bag setting out a shool action plan for apparent Special Educational Needs. In a nutshell it states that my DS needs support in allowing his friends to play with other children, in allowing them to play games that other children have thought of - using their rules and to use a welcoming, friendly voice when children have a different idea to him when they are playing with him. I have left my number in an attempt to meet with the school SENCO but have, as yet, not had a response. My husband spoke to my DS's teacher who stated that my DS tends to 'dominate' one child in particular and two of his friends do not challenge him as they just want an 'easy life'. These children, including my son are 5 years old for heavens sake! This is all a bit of a shock to my husband and myself as, although we are aware that our DS does like to stick to his own agenda and is uncomfortable with change, and talks with a loud voice, aspects which have been mentioned during his pre-school years, we had no idea that this had now culminated in SEN! I personally feel that labels such as 'control freak' are being attached to my son and am furious at receiving this plan in the way we did and have not yet been able to discuss it with anybody (we received the letter on the Friday, my DS's teacher went on a school trip the week after, then it was half term. My husband has just managed to grab a ten minute chat with her during her linch break). When I have tried to broach this matter with my DS he has become frustrated and asked that we not discuss it at home. When I asked him why he did not like his friends playing with anybody else, he inocently answered, because if they play with someone else I will be all alone, who will play with me? I strongly object to this school intervention and believe it to be more of a political protocal that they are adhereing to. The children are 5 years old should they not be allowed to negotiate with one another and decided what their social boundaries are? I feel that my DS is being used to bump up some statistics that the school have to meet. Only in December of last year at our first parents meeting did my DS's teacher say that he was making good progress, he lacks confidence in reading and he has had to split him up at carpet time frim his friends because he doesn't concentrate but overall, she has no concerns. I am so confused now and so worried that, after the fantastic progress he has made this action plan will make him feel different, shatter any confidence he does have and create a much bigger problem, in that, he won't want to go to school. Can anybody help me? Thanks, Hairycake.

[Takver]

hello, just wanted to respond really.

I wouldn't worry too much - my dd had an IEP in yr 1 / yr 2 for very similar reasons (lots of stuff to do with interacting with other children). She also had another IEP relating to problems with writing.

I don't think that it is a 'bad thing' at all necessarily, or that your ds will even know that it exists. For dd, what the behaviour IEP meant was that she got a few sessions with the county Behavioural support person (some role play & general chat). Similarly with the writing IEP she got some extra intervention and support with a TA.

Once things had settled for her (and she had grown up a bit!) they were 'signed off' by us & the SENCO (not sure what the official term is) to say that all was now OK & she didn't need extra support.

[choosyfloosy]

I am absolutely that you found it in your ds's book bag with no warning or meeting about it. What on earth!

The IEP in itself, well, could be a good idea if concerns had been raised, but what's going on that you had discussed certain things with his teacher which were being dealt with, only to find other things being written down as problems? The process sounds anywayup.

I don't personally think that any school would do an IEP if they weren't forced to, i.e. to make up statistics, but maybe I'm naive.

I would write to the head requesting an urgent meeting with him/her, the SENCO and your ds's class teacher.

[Takver]

Oh, also wanted to say, that I don't think that schools view children who lag behind with social stuff as 'bad children'.

I suppose from their viewpoint some kids are slower at picking up maths, others at picking up some of the rules of social interactions, others at reading, and they just want to put in place the help that's necessary to get them all up to a certain level in everything IYKWIM.

[hairycake]

Thankyou, that really helps.

[defineme]

I am a parent of a child with an iep and the schools really don't have to do a set number of ieps. Some of of us have had to fight for ieps you know!
I think it's been handled badly because you need a chat about this, but it is a good thing-he's not being labeled-it's just 1 particular thing he's needs help with at this particular time. It's a much smaller specific issue than the speech. It is a normal child thing to do, but you're not there at school to help him work it through so surely it's good that the school are? You wouldn't write out a plan to help him, but if you thought there was a minor issue with something you would think of ways to help him.

[Slambang]

hairycake - an IEP is a good thing. It means they are taking your ds's individual needs into account and spending more time and energy in supporting him than he would otherwise get.

It is not a political target thing. School resources are limited and teachers do not put extra time/support in for children with IEPs just to be politically correct. They do it because some children need support with some things and some with others. And it helps everyone concerned (especially the child) if everyone knows what the school is working towards with your dc.

Agree about finding it in the book bag though - no wonder you're shocked.

[heQet]

The way they have gone about it leaves a lot to be desired, but truly - they are not your enemy. Work with them.

They've no agenda in this - political, targets, whatever.

Trust me - sen / sn and all that goes with it is a major hassle and if they are raising concerns it is because they truly feel concerned and think this is the best way to go.

don't fight with them. Don't start from a position of there is NOTHING wrong with my son. Listen, take in what they are saying and see whether you can see their point. They are only trying to help your son.

[hairycake]

I appreciate that I may have over reacted but this is concerning my DS so emotions are bound to run high.

I'm not happy at receiving the IEP in the way in which we did and then not being able to speak with anybody about it, my DS's teacher and headmaster went on a week long school trip on the Monday after I had received it which then led us into the half term. As stated, I am still waiting for the SENCO to contact me.

Admittedly, I may have missunderstood the intentions of an IEP and SEN school plan but until three weeks ago, I had never heard of one and never seen one.

I hope my comments hven't offended anybody as it truly was not my intention to. However, I really appreciate everybodies comments, I feel better that the plan appears to be designed to sort out any issues as oppose to single out individual children which was my primary concern. I beleve that my son is fully aware of the existence of the IEP as the original cpoy requires his signature which, on receipt, I found was already on there, presumabley he had done this with his teacher or the SENCO or both.

Anyway, thankyou again, your comments/advice have certainly helped and, again, I apologise if I said anything which may have upset anybody.

[heQet]

Oh don't worry about it we're all a little fierce when it comes to our kids. You've certainly not upset me - you get a hide like a rhino after some years

I agree with you that the way they've gone about it is all wrong. they should NOT be bypassing you. That is very bad of them. But get in there and talk talk talk (and listen twice as much as you talk )

[Slambang]

I think that it would definitely be worth expressing your unhappiness about the way you got the information from the school. They should have discussed and explained it to you.

FWIW, teachers are human too and sometimes it is tempting for them to sugar coat what is said to parents face to face in parents' meetings. Then when they write down what they actually mean they think they've already told the parents everything but it can come as a complete shock to the parents. EG if a teacher says 'Little Jonny has made good progress' it is probably quite true, but it doesn't necessarily mean that Little Jonny is working at the same level as his peers. If they say 'Ahmed finds it difficult to...' It means at the moment Ahmed is not able to... and we would expect him to be able to. 'Jessica finds it challenging' means she just can't do it yet.

[MummyDoIt]

I think this has been handled very badly and can fully understand why you are upset. It should certainly have been fully discussed with you. My son had an IEP (for speech problems) and I had to sign it to say I'd seen it and discussed it with his teacher.

However, I did want to say please spare a thought for the child your DS is 'dominating'. I had a very similar situation when DS1 started Reception. He was friendly with one boy who became very possessive of him. It was very upsetting for my DS to have his friend suddenly become angry with him just for wanting to play with other children and there were several unpleasant incidents, both at school and outside. The school had to intervene and separate them, both in class and during play, as the other child was becoming quite aggressive and my DS was suffering because of it. I'm not saying your DS is anywhere near as bad or aggressive as this particular child but five year olds cannot always negotiate and set their own social boundaries.

[hairycake]

May I once again take this opportunity to thank everybody who took the time to respond to my 'ranting' message yeaterday. Last night I felt a little chastised for my ingorance as, until I read your responses, I really had absolutely no idea what SEN stood for or what an IEP was, so when I discovered the IEP in my DS's book bag, with no prior warning or discussion, I was perplexed. As I have not been able to arrange a meeting with either my DS's teacher and/or SENCO, I have tried again today to arrange this but again there has been no joy, my confusion has tutned into frustration and anger. On retrospect, reading my message again it does appear that I was ranting. Really, all i needed to ask was what is an IEP and is it a good thing if a school deems it necessary to issue one to your child? FWIW I do apologise for my ignorance and if I 'got anybody's back up'with what I said. However, all that said, thanks to your comments, I now feel better informed and less alarmed by the whole situation, I actually now feel much more positive about it. My DS is so precious to me, if this is to help him in anyway then, as we all would be, I am 110% behind it!

[cory]

I think it could well be a positive though I understand that it was a bit of a shock the way it was handled.

Leaving 5yos to negotiate their own social boundaries doesn't always work, if the children are not equal in strength. I remember a situation with a friend of mine, who got very upset about this: what she hadn't realised, and found it difficult to take on board, was that the lagging social skills of her 5yo meant that a couple of the other children (my ds among them) were getting too frightened to go to school. Ds wanted to get away from this boy as he was physically frightened of him and the other boy wouldn't let him. Not an evil boy in any way, but very boisterous and about twice the size of ds- whenever he pushed him, ds went flying. All sorted in the end and they went on to become firm friends. And his friend caught up socially and is a lovely little boy. But there was simply no way ds could have handled the negotiating.

[mebaasmum]

Hi
Dont worry about the IEP really its the schools way of documenting that they have spotted a problem. Your DS wanting his friends all to himself and how they are going to help him learn that friends can have other friends and so can he. They are helping him through a phase. Its great they have picked up on it and have a plan.
Its not so great how they have approached you. IEP's should be discussed in a meeting with parents IMO usually done at a parents evening. With regard to the SENCo. She is probably a class teacher with one day set aside for her SENCO duties. It might be worth phoning the school office and finding out her SENCO days and asking to make a telephone appointment n that day. That way she wont be caught between oillar and post and have a bit of time.

[strawberrykate]

I think the contents of the IEP are of little concern, many children have support for similar (and enjoy it with structured play etc.). In our school he might do activities such as friendship groups, more adult led play etc for a while, all enjoyable and of benenfit to any child. The IEP will be forgotten about most likely in years to come, as a SENCO I find my list of SEN children massively reduces as they travel through the school. For example we have 12 SEN children in yr 3 and 5 in yr6, intervention often works very well and children mature and develop rapidly in most cases, just sometimes a little later.

What is off though is how you saw the IEP. I would take this up with the schooll. I would NEVER in any crcumstances put a child on the registrt or arrange an IEP without a formal meeting with parents. I'd presumed to be honest I couldn't without their consent-I'll check this. I know cases where I have not been able to withdraw (very needy!) children for intervention because their parents refused, and whilst I try to explain the need gently I have to respect their decision for their child (unless of course in the case of potential abuse, which luckily has not happened). For a child with very small needs I'd have an intial meeting then the IEP would be reviewed in parents eves, unless they had any specific concerns. If the child was school action plus (the next level) I have termly review meetings with child and parent and half-termly for statemented children. This is the norm. All targets are signed and agreed by teacher/ parent/ child and the child, regardless of age, is invited to all or part of the meeting as appropriate. By year 6 many choose their own targets and support with my guidance, taking charge of the IEP themselves.

[mathanxiety]

You are right that the school communicated this poorly to you. It could have been handled better. Since your involvement will be so important in carrying out the IEP, this is a big mistake to make on their part. This is the only aspect of the situation that I would complain about, though, if I were you, and I would express it in terms of wanting to be informed and very willing to co-operate.

You are right to believe that there's no malice in your DS's behaviour. But it's probably affecting other children adversely, so they need to intervene, for everyone's benefit, ultimately, including your DS's. The children are all to young to be left to sort things out for themselves. The 'give and take' skills your DS will learn from this intervention will be invaluable.