DD being excluded from play (long, sorry)

[noneshallsleep2]

There have been a few threads on this problem recently, so hope no one minds me posting with a similar problem but a slightly different question!

DD (yr 1) had a best friend (let's call her X, otherwise this post could get confusing!) throughout Reception, but is friends with a number of others that come on play dates etc.

However, since the start of year 1 another girl (Y) has been best friends with X, and has not been allowing X to play with DD at play time. X and DD still get on really well, and we've had lots of playdates with X to try to make up for the playground issues. However, it's still very upsetting for DD to be excluded from play, and she's very upset that X and Y are now "best friends". She's been in tears several times over half term about this. I've said that I can't stop X and Y being best friends, as sometimes friendships change over time. However, I do intend to speak to the teacher about Y excluding DD from playing with X (and apparently Y tries to stop DD from playing with others too) as I think this is now amounting to bullying.

DD is quite sensitive, and tends to burst into tears quite easily, which makes her an easy target for this sort of behaviour (I speak from experience here!) I would love to make her more assertive, and give her an answer to use when she is excluded (along the lines of "Well Y if you are going to be so bossy I don't want to play with you anyway"). Has anyone tried a similar tactic with any success? Any suggestions as to smart ripostes for a 6 year old to use?

I've thought about asking Y round for a playdate - would that be a recipe for disaster?

[smee]

I probably wouldn't tell her to say that as it's confrontational and could cause more problems. Rather than trying to keep her in with X and/or with Y, why not ask the teacher who else she might click with, then try to help her make friends with new people instead. DS was similarly excluded and was upset for a while, but fortunately found new friends. As soon as he did his old friend became desperate to have him back. I know girls can be different, but walking away seemed to be the best way.

[Pineapplechunks]

I agree with smee, I wouldn't necessarily encourage a friendship with 'Y' anyway if she's being like this you don't want her bossy influence on your shy DD.

Encourage her to play with other girls(and boys if she wants) from her class, it's a PITA but have some over for playdates to help her make these friendships stronger.

Talking to the teacher can't hurt either, explain your concerns and see what she suggests. She might tell you that, actually, DD plays with a whole load of other children and is popular. DD may only be telling you the thing that sticks out in her mind: that 'X' and 'Y' are leaving her out.

[noneshallsleep2]

You're probably right - it's just that I want her to have a better response to this than bursting into tears! I completely agree about getting her to play with others, but when I suggest this to her she says that Y won't let her play with them either! (I find it hard to believe that Y can be quite so all-powerful, but what do I know??)

[smee]

You really need to talk to the teacher then, as that's a form of bullying if true. Probably won't help, but it's incredibly common at their age. Your dd might be exaggerating, but then again it might be totally true. Either way the teacher / school should be helping her.

[Acinonyx]

When this happened to dd I talked to both dd and her teacher, and teacher agreed to support dd in making new friends, e.g. encorouging her to choose a different friend to pair with for activities. In the end, dd made one new friend which has helped a lot although she still feels the loss of playing with X due to Y and we also still do play dates with X.

Slightly different as although there is some exclusion going on - in our case the main problem is dd only wanting to play one-on-one

[allblondegirls]

I would definately speak to the teacher. In my experience teachers take this kind of thing more seriously than you think. My year 3 dd was very good friends with a boy in her class but her other friends were telling him he couldn't play with them because he was a boy.

I found out at parents evening that the mother of the boy had been in to see the teacher and she had spoken to the girls concerned about not excluding anyone from their games. It has benefited my daughter as well as the little boy as she now stands up to her friends and tells them who she wants to play with.

[bruffin]

I had the same situation in Year3. One girl would dictate who could play and who couldn't and it was usually DD is was not allowed to play. Difference was it was a fairly big group of friends who DD had been friendly with from nursery in some cases.

I spoke to teacher and she took it very seriously and by year 5 DD and this girl were actually BF for a while and inseperable.

[stealthsquiggle]

That's bullying.

If you are confident that X still wants to be friends with your DD, then IIWY I would get the teacher/X's parents involved.

I had this with my DS. His 'best friend' took up with another child, who then made said friend (you're right, it is confusing, let's call him A and the 'bully' B) choose - saying A could only play with B or with DS.

A's mother and I had ignored the strained friendship on the grounds of leaving them to sort it out for themselves, but we gradually realised that A was as stressed about it as my DS was, and then gently interrogated both boys and got to the bottom of this 'not allowed' business.

A's parents had a big talk with him about not letting others make his decisions for him and, bless him, the next day A marched up to my DS and apologised, said he wanted to still be friends, then took DS over to B and told B that he was going to be friends with DS and was happy to be friends with B as well as long as B understood that DS was not going to get left out.

A's mother and I were and very very proud of A.

...which is a really long way of suggesting that you talk to X's mother