ds immature, what can I do?

[gottasmile]

My ds (6) is immature for his age and one of the youngest in his class. He's a first born, has a younger sister.

Today his teacher told me that he was copying other boys' behaviour and was very silly. She then said he had the 'nerve' to ask for centres (fun stuff they get to do after they complete their work) even though he had been silly and hadn't completed his work.

Is there anything anyone can recommend to encourage more mature behaviour, or do we just have to wait it out?

[smee]

Teacher's attitude sounds a little harsh to me - might be your wording, but I'd say she needs to work on it with him, so give him maybe individual targets for behaving well and praise lots when he manages it. Could you maybe ask for a sit down meeting with him and you to talk it through. Not in a 'you're bad' way, but in a 'right we're going to help you' way. Might make your son see that she's on his side rather than punitive.

[gottasmile]

thank you. Yes that would be a good idea. It was actually her wording (the nerve part), which upset me a bit.

DS doesn't like doing maths and the other 'work' in class (even though he's doing well). He just wants to play. He's got a long hard road ahead of him if this is his attitude....

[thisisyesterday]

of course he wants to play, he's a 6 yr old boy!
this is why kids in many other countries aren't starting school until they're 6 or 7.

over here those "immature" boys are the ones who suffer,and end up resenting school and the work they're given, instead of learning to enjoy it :-(

makes me sad, because i can see my eldest going exactly the same way, and getting into trouble just for not being ready for such a structured environment.

I do agree that the teacher was overly harsh, and you need to talk to her and figure out some ways of helping him, without putting him off going to school. He needs to play, and he needs to enjoy himself too. I don't think at that age they have enough impulse control to really appreciate the "if you do all your work you can do x,y or z" they get caught up in the moment

[nickschick]

Ohhhhh hes 6!!!

Youre allowed to be daft and immature at 6.

I dont think he is the problem at all - the teachers perception of how a 6 year old should be acting is the issue.

Theres no grow up fast pills he can swallow to as with all things its wait and see.

[threetimemummy]

Can you talk up the "big boy" thing? If he does something good, say gosh you are a big boy for doing that all yourself/managing that/dealing with that that way etc? Then unexpectedly take him somewhere out nice and say well only big boy get this rah rah then talk in a general way how the big boy you know do their work etc?

Gah! does that make sense? Am tired tonight and barely able to type,let alone be logical!!

[gottasmile]

You're all absolutely right, he should be allowed to play and his silliness is part of what makes him cute and likeable.

But the teacher keeps going on about how immature he is. He gets so excited about the little things and I think that's lovely.

Having said that, they have to do maths and spelling and writing and all the rest, so he has to learn that while school is a place to have fun with friends, it's also about learning.

I don't want to dampen his spirit, but I don't want him to be the class clown either.

[thisisyesterday]

absolutely, and i think it's the teachers job to be able to view all the children in her class independently of each other and figure out what works for each of them to get them working towards the common goal.

some children might respond very well to the "if you do your work you get to do something fun"
others don't, and your sons teacher needs to be working out what does motivate him and using it.

perhaps you could talk to him and ask him what he thinks might help him get his work done better?

[gottasmile]

yes, you're right thisisyesterday, we do need to find out what motivates him.

He does love these "centres", that they get to do after they finish their work, so maybe she needs to remind him often.

He does tend to get so distracted by the other children and just doesn't get the concept of school yet.

Thanks for the advice!

[seekingsunshine]

hmm - surely if your ds is being silly when he is copying other boys' behaviour, then some of the issue is that the teacher is not clamping down on the perpetrators of the original silly behaviour soon enough? obv you need to concentrate on how you can help your ds, but some of this issue would go away if there wasn't silly behaviour from others ... are their parents being told that they are immature too??

[gottasmile]

You're right, I felt like the teacher was at the end of her tether and ds was being singled out. When I got home, I was thinking about it, and no, she didn't speak to any of the other perpetrators' parents.

This morning ds was excited because it was pizza/sushi day (they have this once every couple of months) so I warned her that he was excited.

When 2 new boys came to the class, she said that it would have been nice to have 2 girls instead, so she obviously finds boys difficult.

I'm just going to keep talking to ds, explaining what school is all about and I'm sure he'll get it in the end.

Yesterday I was upset for him, but now I see that he's just being a child and will learn as he goes along. I have to not let the teacher's comments get to me so much too!!

[thisisyesterday]

ss makes good point!!

i wonder if he is like my ds, he is only 5, but he is fairly suggesstible/easily led and he also copies other children. the difference is that they stop, but he doesn't seem to know when to, so he carries on too long and gets into trouble,

I am sure your ds will settle down eventually, and hopefully the teacher won't put him off learning and enjoying school. because IMO having fun there, being excited about going etc is a really good thing and shouldn';t be quashed so severely

[gottasmile]

He could be like your ds thisisyesterday. It wouldn't surprise me. School definitely needs to be a place where they feel happy and confident.

I just picked up my ds (we're in Canada atm) and he said he got some time in "centres" so talking to him definitely worked. I'm going to keep talking to him and eventually let's hope he gets it.

Thanks for all the support.

[ommmward]

Is there any way you can take him out till he is ready? When the time came for us to send our oldest to school, at 4 and a bit, they were so clearly not ready that we decided to HE instead.

We are completely child-led. Without anyone else's agenda, and in their own time, that child has learned "maths and spelling and writing and all the rest" because it is so clearly an important part of how we interact with the world. They wanted to read; they have taught themselves, with help when they wanted it.

I don't think there's any distinction between learning and fun and, if a child is finding that there is, then they may not be in the optimum environment for them at this time.

Question: is it best to damp your child's natural enthusiasm down to fit this teacher's ideal classroom environment, or is it better to find another classroom or opt out of classrooms for now? Y

Just my 2p worth

[gottasmile]

I appreciate your 2p!! It's something to think about...

I totally agree that there shouldn't be any distinction between learning and fun. My ds hates doing rows and rows of addition and subtraction. He finds it so boring.

What do you do about the social aspect?

[nickschick]

We too opted out of the classroom for our youngest ds and for those of us who can it can be a fabulous time,however I do think school can be a great place to be and in the situation the op describes i cant help but be saddened why the teacher doesnt use these childrens youth and innocence ?

What can be nicer than a whole loads of 6 years old seriously impressed by the mysteries of the world and the seeking of extinct dinosaurs.

I dont think its your ds I think its his teacher.

I dont blame him for being excited about pizza/sushi day.

[ommmward]

social aspect not a prob: big community of HEdders around here and we have plenty of other friends too

HE children can spend practically all day every day in the company of others if they want, through various clubs/classes/social meet ups, or take things at a much slower pace if that suits them better. The big thing I love is that a 5yo child's five closest non-family friends might well be 12, 21, 5, 9 and 2 years old

I tend to worry about how school children cope with being amongst all that noise and distraction and external adult-led agenda all day long - when do they have time to think??? But I'm being a bit flippant...

[gottasmile]

You know, I never thought of home edding as an option, but from ds's first experiences of school, I'm wondering if it would be a good choice. I'll have to look into it.

I don't think dh would be into it though. He's Italian and it isn't really done in Italy. I'll talk to him about it though...

Having said that, ds does love school and is not overly phased by the teacher's comments, so I'll just keep watching for a while.

Thanks nickschick and ommmward for your thoughts. Very helpful and supportive.

[nickschick]

Your welcome ommmward with regards to the social aspects of home edding my ds meets so many people just in day-day life that he really is very sociable,and whats different about home edding is that the people he meets arent child related they vary some are all for chatting with children others not so and because of this hes learnt invaluable skills on conversation and how to chat to people - far more so than he would do in school.socially he is not disadvantaged in any way in fact just recently one mum said to me .....hes friends with everyone isnt he?? and he is,amongst his friends is an autistic child whom ds is very good pals with- his mum says ds3 is 'his blessing' bcos ds doesnt see 'differences' he sees people - theres an asian child he plays with and some of the other kids called him a pak*.....why do they call you that? asked ds3 -your not from pakistan,your from mancs like me.....

[DanFmDorking]

What did you say? a boy? being very silly? Shock horror!

Try not to worry, boys tend to stop being immature by the time they are 25, 35, 40ish

[gottasmile]

Thanks Nickschick, very interesting. Something I'm going to think about for sure.

DanFmDorking, I know, you're right!!! I guess it was his teacher's attitude to the silliness...