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Dd terrified of loud noise/chaos at school

20 replies

Dillie · 20/01/2010 23:47

My dd recently started school and the poor thing isnt coping well (in one of my threads)

I finally got out of her why she doesnt like it and she says its because it is so noisy.

Now I dont really know how to tackle this as schools are noisy .. you cant get away from it.

This morning when I dropped her into school, I tried very hard to stay by the door and encourage her to put her coat & bags on her peg by herself, but there are so many kids and there is not much room (modern purpose built building) she totally freaked out and panicked. Came sobbing her heart out to me saying she was scared. Eventually got her sorted as I had to go into the cloakroom with her in the end. The teachers and assistants do what they can, but they cant be everywhere!

She also hardly ate any of her lunch. Again she said that everyone was annoying her and being noisy.

I said to her that schools are noisy, and there isnt much you can do about that, so you have to try to get used to it.

Dont really think it sunk in, and tomorrow will tell.

Any tips? She has always hated loud noises and crowds. Terrified of the lawn mower, hoover, ripping foil etc

I am lost on how to help her

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BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 20/01/2010 23:51

Is it a big school?

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displayuntilbestbefore · 20/01/2010 23:56

First of all, don't panic. It is incredibly common and both ds1 and 2 found the noise and sheer volume of children very daunting when they started school. Ds1 hated lunchtimes as he wasn't used to sitting in a big hall with a hundred other children all chattering and hollering and munching away, to the point where he bawled every lunchtime apparently. ds2 simply found the lining up at the start of school pretty scary as there were people everywhere and I think a lot of it was being the height of parents' legs that freaked him out!
Your dd will get used to it and doing what you're doing, by letting her know it's normal for it to be noisy and it's normal for her to find it a bit worrying but there's nothing to worry about will help her. Both my school age dcs were over the anxiety and upset before they ended the school year and both were also helped by teachers and lunchtime assistants who either spotted that it was a problem or else were tipped off when dh and I mentioned it at parents evening. You're right to be gentle but firm in explaining that it's something she just has to get used to - and she will

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LynetteScavo · 20/01/2010 23:56

Some children are more sensitive than others.

Do any other things bother her, apart form crowds and noise? Is she OK with foods and clothes?

I would stay with her to help her with her coat, and take her into the class room. Explain to the teacher how your DD feels, and ask if the lunchtime supervisor can keep an eye on her, as she hasn't been eating lunch due to being overwhelmed.

Hopefully, with time your DD with learn how to cope with the busy school environment.

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backtolingle · 21/01/2010 09:45

"She has always hated loud noises and crowds. Terrified of the lawn mower, hoover, ripping foil etc"

There may be a biological basis to it. She might have some sensory differences in the way she processes sound. She'll either grow out of it later or learn to compensate/cope but for now, if there is a sensory issue, it means that these noises could quite simply be louder for her than they are for other children. They might even be quite literally painful. Did her language develop typically?

I hope this doesn't sound unhelpful. I mention it just because I think you are right to be very very patient about this, and to insist that the staff are patient too. Of course, she has to learn to cope, and of course she's a little girl who knows how to tug on your heartstrings (!) but it may be that a lot is being demanded of her.

Perhaps you could set aside some time on the sofa together to let her talk about her experience?

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Runoutofideas · 21/01/2010 09:53

My dd1 was utterly bewildered by the noise and chaos in her first term in reception. We then discovered she had glue ear and wasn't able to differentiate between people speaking to her and all the background noise. Sudden noises would scare her as it was suddenly loud and distinct from the background hum she was used to. She has since had grommets fitted and her hearing has noticeably improved which has resulted in her being able to cope with school far better. Just letting you know as it may be worth getting her hearing checked out. Hope she's better with it all soon. Starting school can be tough on both them and you!

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hattyyellow · 21/01/2010 09:56

Have you read the books about Highly Sensitive Children? I will try and find a link.

One of my twins is like this and once I read the book I understood a lot more, particulary as it emphasises the positive aspects of being highly sensitive.

A lot of the book talks about how best to handle children who are like this - how to prepare them for noisy situations. My DD is much happier if we talk through first what a situation will be like - ie if we go to a birthday party somewhere new I will say "I expect it will be noisy at first, with everyone running around because they are excited. And the shiny hall of the floor will make everything more noisy. But soon it will settle down as everyone will sit down to eat and play games". I can see her listening and processing and it makes it a little easier.

Has your DD just started school this term? My twins started last term and my HSC daughter hated it the first few days - her teacher said she sat under a table and refused to come out. But now even though she's obviously shy, you wouldn't have guessed that she struggled at first as she's very used to the routine.

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Debris · 21/01/2010 10:47

I also read the book "the highly sensitive child " and it really did help me understand my dd. If she is sensitive , everything will seem much worse to her than to other children. She will notice every little thing. My dd1 was just like yours , but she honestly will get used to the noise and become less sensitive to it. My dd still isnt great at partys at first , but I stay with her and just tell her to join in when she is ready , and that she can come back to me whenever she likes. I think it takes the pressure off of her and enables her to relax.Another thing you might consider trying is giving her a few drops of rescue remedy or similar before school. It might just get her over the first hurdle of getting in the door. Hope this helps , and try not to worry.

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hattyyellow · 21/01/2010 11:02

It's a really interesting book isn't it Debris? Do you mind me asking if you are HS as well? I found I was and I can relate better to DD than DH at times, as I was very like her as a child.

www.hsperson.com/pages/test_child.htm

There's a site I've found and a quiz you can take to determine if she is HSC.

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hattyyellow · 21/01/2010 11:04

First, appreciate that this is a wonderful trait. It is no illness or syndrome. Nor is it something new I made up or "just discovered." It is an inborn temperament or style that is found in about twenty percent of children and of nearly all animals. Anything so persistent is not abnormal. It represents a strategy of taking everything into account before acting (the other, more common innate strategy is to act quickly and be first, then think later). The trait serves an important purpose for the individual sensitive person and for the larger society--for example, sensitive persons sense danger and see the consequences of an action before others do.

Unfortunately, the trait has been somewhat misunderstood in our culture, so that most psychologists and parents tend to see only one aspect of some sensitive children and call this trait shyness, inhibitedness, fearfulness, fussiness, or "hyper" sensitivity. If one could see inside the mind of a sensitive child, however, one would learn the whole story of what is going on--creativity, intuition, surprising wisdom, empathy for others...

But, for all of that to blossom, they absolutely must be raised with understanding. Otherwise, as adults they are prone to depression, anxiety, and shyness.

So, the second "what now" might be to read The Highly Sensitive Child. I wrote this book because so many adults were telling me that their childhoods were excruciatingly difficult, even when their parents had the best intentions, because no one knew how to raise them. Parents and teachers told them there were "too sensitive" or "too shy" or "too intense." They tried to change and could not, and so felt increasingly isolated or ashamed. My hope is to spare some children such unnecessary suffering and the world the waste of so much talent, because HSCs have a tremendous amount to offer the world. But they do need special handling. They need to be appreciated, to have their special needs and sometimes intense reactions and behaviors understood, and, when correction is needed, they need to be handled with special care so that they do not become anxious or ashamed of their failure.

This book is rooted in years of my experience as a psychotherapist and consultant to HSPs and parents of HSCs, plus interviews with parents, teachers, and HSCs themselves for the book. Then there are my experiences from my fumbling efforts to raise an HSC before I knew what that was. And there's what I know from having been an HSC myself.

From the book - she explains it all better than I can!

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Dillie · 21/01/2010 12:32

Thanks so much, will look into it.

Yes Hatty, this is her first term in the school. Its a fairly large one with 350 pupils, so I dread to think the noise at lunchtimes in the hall!!

Every since she was tiny, she has hated loud sounds.

For example I was ripping foil in the kitchen yesterday and she was with me. She did cover her ears and look pretty worried.

If a motorbike goes past she will get as close to me as she can and cover her ears. At nursery they had their grounds looked after and the girls there had to try to distract her, as the poor love would get in a right state!

I do try not to make a thing of it, and where possible I never say dont be daft, although dh is less understanding.

I spoke to the teacher this morning and she was very understanding. They have suggested that I drop her off slightly later just before the doors close for assembly so most of the hub-bub has died down a little and hopefully will build her confidence up.

It seems to be partly the noise and the separation anxiety that she did get when there was a change in her pre-school/nursery (new class etc)

She was so very confident at nursery especially in the last 8 months or so, but it seems as if she has really re-treated into her shell

She is incredibly nervous when she goes in, literly shaking which must be frightening for someone so little and not truly understand why they feel like they do.

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Dillie · 21/01/2010 12:42

Hatty, I have just had a quick go at that test and she scored 17.

So I will look into it more, and see if I can help the poor thing.

A few questions rang true for me too, but I thought that I was just oversensitive due to the anxiety "disorder" that the docs reckon i have!!!!!

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Dillie · 21/01/2010 12:48

OO debris,

What is this rescue remedy? Will it help with her nerves?

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sandyballs · 21/01/2010 13:22

Haven't read all the posts but one of my DDs was like this in reception and she found it far easier if we arrived early at school and she was the first one inside, before all the hustle and bustle. She seemed to cope much better. This might solve the drop off problem but not sure what you can do about the rest of the noisy day, ie lunch, etc. She will get used to it, my DD did by the Easter hols.

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backtolingle · 21/01/2010 13:59

Rescue Remedy is great - you can buy it in Boots. It's part of a range called "Bach Flower Remedies".

I use it on flights and the smell/taste it does seem to have some physical effect. Plus there's probably a bit if placebo effect going on too (but that's nothing to be sneered at).

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hattyyellow · 21/01/2010 14:28

I try and get to school early with DD's and it helps enormously. I think even for more confident children the cloakroom can be really noisy, I guess it's like us going into an echoey vast chamber full of giants and trying to squeeze under them to get our indoor shoes out!

Glad the quiz helped. The book also has a good chapter about when one or both of you are not HS and your child is and how you can work with that. I'm a fairly confident and sociable adult but I still have little HSC things - I hate wearing coats and scratchy labels and I find some music almost painfully moving - I literally can't listen to it as I get so moved. But it's worked out well as I work in the arts where feeling that level of emotion is a good thing!

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BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 21/01/2010 15:13

Please don't give her rescue remedy, IIRC it has a little alcohol in it and isn't recommended for children. Could you do some relaxation techniques with her instead? Some breathing exercises??

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backtolingle · 21/01/2010 16:10

www.bachflower.com/children.htm

seems fine but you can ask the pharmacists at Boots.

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OttersOnIce · 21/01/2010 17:00

Don't give her rescue remedy.

You will be teaching her that when she gets scared, the answer is to have a little soemthing out of a bottle.
I think this is a bad message generally, as you are teaching her that she needs soemthing external to herself in order to cope, rather than being able to use her own internal/psychological resources to help herself cope when she feels bad.
The fact that the something out of a bottle in the case of rescue remedy has an alcohol taste/smell is also not good!

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LynetteScavo · 21/01/2010 18:04

This would be better

There are many books on Amazon about Sensory Processing Disorder, and how to cope with it, and also highly sensitive children.

Your DD certainly isn't the only child to feel like this, probably just the only one in her class.

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Debris · 21/01/2010 21:05

In response to your question Hatty , I think I am probably borderline HS if there is such a thing. My sister is definately HS and can totally relate to my dd. This does help me understand a bit more. For example sudden loud or sharp noises are like physical pain to my sis and my dd , and make them both feel sick.

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