What can I tell my 4 year old to do at school when same child keeps hurting him

[LargeLatte]

ds1 (4) started school in sept. 1st term was a bit rough - it was the first time school had done a class that young so there was some poor behaviour - hitting, pushing etc. Generally its settled down but one kid still hurts ds1 EVERY DAY - pushing, slaping, kicking, throwing things. The family are notorious in the school and there is no way this can be resolved by me speaking to his mum. I'm taking it up with the school- in a more formal way than I have in the past - but in the mean time is there anything I can tell ds to do - need forceful persuasion not to tell ds1 to thump the little blighter back since I know that is not the right way, but would probably love to see it happen .

[DollyMessiter]

I would advise your DS to shout "stop hurting me, X. I do not want you to touch me" very loudly - whether he be in the classroom, playground, cloakroom... wherever.

Then tell an adult.

Is there an older child in the school that you could ask to keep an eye on your DS?

Tell him to let you know about any incidents, make a note of them, and email the school to let them know.

Don't let the school make the excuse that they didn't know.

If it doesn't resolve soon, escalate the issue to the Governors.

Another approach is to try and foster a friendship between your son and this child, but I doubt your little boy would want to befriend someone who hurts him.

[aSilverLining]

I agree that teaching him to bellow "don't hurt me X it's not nice" and then if a teacher doesn't come over for him to go tell one. There is a boy like this in DS's class too (same age group), TBH I feel sorry for him and his life chances as like the boy in your DS's class his family are notorious and not interested.

[newgirl]

i think i would talk to the teacher and head teacher about it - there is a zero tolerance policy at my dd school and that starts in reception - the child doing the shoving would be kept in at play time as a punishment

[thecloudhopper]

newgirl I personally do not like that policy, I think with children you have to look at the root of the problem of why they are hitting out, I don't much care for zero tollerence like that as life is not always black and white.

[Feenie]

[LargeLatte]

Its not happening at playtime- it is happening in the classroom! In autumn term it was discussed and we agreed he would shout 'stop that i don't like it' really loud and someone would come to help him. He has done this and noone comes. He has gone to a teacher both times this week and they either don't / won't understand as they are fobbing it off as an 'incident' that made sam cry without being specific when they tell me about it - then he gets home and tells me.
No way I will foster a friend ship between them. Another boy I know well became friends with this childand immediately started behaving terribly, pushing, hitting. He has improved mow the friendship is over (at the insistance of his mum).
I do feel really sorry for this kid because I can see he has a rubbish family life and school can't be much fun for him either - really feel school need to get more involved as this kids behaviour is a cry for help.

Might try telling ds to move away every time he comes near him - or go straight to a teacher, before he is hit. Then teacher can see how frightened he is.

[Heqet]

tbh, I really wouldn't give a rats arse what was motivating a child to hurt my child. I know that's not 'right on' but it's the truth. If my child was being hurt on daily basis I would be thinking a lot of things, and not one of them would be "oh my, I wonder what is the matter with this poor child for him/her to be so aggressive, how can I help them..."

hell no. I'd be in school every damn day, and be reminding the head of their legal obligations to my child and their duty of care. And I'd be outlining the consequences of them failing in that area. I would have no other concerns until or unless my child was no longer being hurt.

[Feenie]

The teacher would possibly be thinking "oh my, I wonder what is the matter with this poor child for him/her to be so aggressive, how can I help them...", but they damn well wouldn't put up with it either.

Finding out a reason for the violence is one thing, but you would never allow it, whatever the reason. It is black and white in school - you are not allowed to hurt another child, full stop.

[thecloudhopper]

As a TA working with a child with behavioural emotional and social issues, I find no matter what things are not black and white, yes I agree children should not hit and we will deal with it as appropreate, take for example a child in my class his mum walked out on him and his behaviour changed dreamatically and he became violant to children and staff when challanged, yes when he hit out it was not appropreate but knowing why did help us staff when dealing with it.

I just dont agree with dealing with each case when it comes to hitting etc as the same it does not work.

[thecloudhopper]

I would also like to add Heqet by coming in day after day does it really help?

[thegrammerpolicesic]

This is very interesting. I suspect there's at least one like this in most classes.

We have one. He hits fairly indiscriminately.
I would love to know what the teachers are doing about it. It must be a nightmare for them tbh.
Meanwhile I don't like the idea of my ds being put off school by this boy hitting him

[Acanthus]

I agree with the others - teach him what to shout and practise shouting it at home

[thecloudhopper]

grammer it is realy hard, with the child that is hitting consistancy is the key but each child is different.

My 1-1 is better in that when he first came he used to hit out I would say 6/7 times a day, now 1 year and a half on and he rarely hits out although he can be nasty at times.

[cory]

tbh I think there is a lot to be said for not giving an arse why a child is hurting another- it still has to stop

ds's mate started knocking him down under really appalling circumstances: the poor little lad knew his Mum was dying from cancer

the school took the approach that we are very sorry for you, we know how you feel, but we still cannot allow you to hit people and you will get punished (at the same time as offering him counselling)

I'm not sure that the sanctions didn't help him as much as the counselling: he needed to feel that basic structures were still there, and that adults would look after him and control him when he couldn't control himself

they wouldn't have been helping him by letting him struggle unchecked in situations where he was alienating his friends and risking causing somebody serious injury

I would go in and see the teacher and get her to reassure your ds that X is not allowed to hit him, that he should tell her and that she will deal with it

if she is unwilling to do so, ask to see the school's anti-bullying policy

[Feenie]

Totally agree with Cory, particularly "the school took the approach that we are very sorry for you, we know how you feel, but we still cannot allow you to hit people and you will get punished (at the same time as offering him counselling)". I think most schools would be the same - even troubled children need boundaries, and we do them no favours if we move them because they are a 'special' case.

[aSilverLining]

I agree I wouldn;t be spending my emotionally energy on wondering why/how he can be helped etc regarding the biter/hitter/pusher, but I do feel usually there is something going on. Doesn't mean I am not cursing them when they hurt my DS!

It's a bit rubbish he is shoutin already and not feeling heard or that the other is being dealt with, he needs to feel supported and that the other boy won't get away with hurting him. Your poor DS.

I think you are right to go into school and raise the issue more seriously as it sounds like they aren't really on top of it.

[thegrammerpolicesic]

I do second the practising shouting 'don't hit me' or similar at home. Ds actually found this quite fun the other day - we tried different voices out to see which sounded firmest!
It helped me and him to know what he should do if it happens again.

I was the child who hit out at school tbh. I was getting whacked at home so thought that was the way to deal with things you didn't like .

I do wonder why the boy in ds's class is like this and I do feel sorry for him - he's five, he probably is dealing with something, but yes that doesn't mean it shouldn't be dealt with.

[SwissCheese]

Interesting post as my DS (4) is experiencing the same sort of thing. I have raised it with the teachers twice now. DS has come back with bite marks on his backside, deep scratch on his nose (scar now apparent )his hair is pulled regularly, he's been beated with sticks by the child and child's sibling (1 yr apart)while outside at playtime.

I spoke to one of the other parents who raised the issue with me before I said a word and then you find out it's happening to a lot of children, including the child saying "if you run your heart will explode and you will drop dead" - hideous which has given DS nightmares. (Try an undo what has been said is nigh n impossible).

DS is trying to stay away from the child but it's not easy. I'm encouraging the shouting out 'stay away from me - ouch you're hurting me' before seeing a teacher too. But a 4yr old doesn't want to keep seeing a teacher because he's already been told "your telling on me" and subsequently gets another face pinch... Ugh horrible children.

Issues yes, but I want my child to come home in one piece.

[cory]

I did spend emotional energy worrying about the little boy who was hurting ds- that was precisely why I was relieved to find the school were determined to deal with it

what worked particularly well for them was that all children were told (and had been told since infants) that if anyone is getting hurt or frightened (either yourself or somebody else) you must go and tell an adult

so when ds's friend lost it, one of the other boys would be hauling him off ds, while the rest ran for a teacher

so no child would think that they could get their own back on a telltale and get away with it; there would always be other children telling the teacher even if the victim didn't

[newgirl]

the child doing the hitting needs to learn that it is not the way to do things - it is tragic that he isnt learning this at home but he may well feel safer and relieved to know that there are other ways to act in the world

staying in at play is pretty normal - they arent mean to them, but the kids learn that there are boundaries