My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Primary education

Should I speek to the teacher about this bossy little madam in my daughters class?

56 replies

mummyloveslucy · 08/01/2010 17:56

Hi, My daughter is nearly 5 and has a friend of the same age who lives down the road. They are at school together, in the same class. This little girl is an only child like my daughter, and is a right little madam. She is alays saying to my daughter things like "I'm better than you", "I'm faster than you", "I'm cleverer than you" etc. Her mum says "Oh, she's so competetive", I feel like saying "Oh, is that what you call it". The little girl was also saying that "My dolls house is bigger/better than yors". She came to play yesterday with her mum. Her mum told me that because she's given up her dummy, she's got two new dolls and a nintendo DS? as a reward. The little girl was saying to my DD, "I've got twin dolls and you haven't". I then told the little girl that my dd had given up her blanket thing recently too. She got quite angry about this shouting/whining, "She didn't give up her blanket, she didn't" when I said "She did" she just said to my dd, "well I gave up my dummy before you gave up your blanket".
She then said to her mum, "I'm going to throw snow at Lucy!". The mum didn't say anything.
She's just such a spoiled little madam, and I'm concerned at that she might be harming my dd's confidence. She has speech problems and is delayed developmentally, but is the sweetest little girl you could meet. She is quite sensitive though. I worry when this friend of hers says things like "No one knows what you're saying".
I'm never sure what to say when she puts my dd down, as her mum dosn't seem to mind or say anything. I don't want my dd to think that I approve of her behaviour, or what she's saying either. It's quite awkward.
I'm not sure wether to have a word with the teacher and see what she's like at school with my dd. It is such a small class of only 9, I'm worried that there won't be much escape from her.
Also if you have any advice on what to do when she's putting my daughter down, when her mum's there, that would be good.
If she plays at mine on her own I can say that "Lucy won't want to play with you, if you aren't kind to her" etc.
I just think, of all the children who could've moved in down the road, it had to be her.

OP posts:
Report
mvemjsunp · 08/01/2010 17:59

Good God, don't say anything.

You sound just as competitive in your own way.

Report
FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 08/01/2010 18:00

I wouldn't say anything, the chances are that her teacher already knows anyway. Do tell your little one not to play with her if she is being mean though, there must be other children in the class.

Report
MoChan · 08/01/2010 18:00

Yikes. I certainly wouldn't let my daughter spend time with a child like that, especially if I thought it was damaging her confidence. I think I would be inclined to speak to her mother about it too. Not sure what the school could do..?

Report
mummyloveslucy · 08/01/2010 18:06

It's quite hard to explain what she's like in a post, as you can't do the tone of voice. There isn't any nice play together in between either. You could put up with a bit of this, as I believe it's quite common for this age group, but this is constant.
She comes to play after school, not as much as she used to though.

OP posts:
Report
FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 08/01/2010 18:07

I wouldn't speak to the mother either, she sounds like a bit of a push over.

Actions speak louder then words, just tell your little one not to play with her.

Report
mummyloveslucy · 08/01/2010 18:09

mvemjeunp- Just wondering how on earth you came to that conclusion? Do you have a child like the one I mentioned?

OP posts:
Report
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 08/01/2010 18:10

Don't get in to an argument with a 6 year old. You won't come off best. It is your job to boost your child's confidence so much that a "little madam" can't touch her with mean comments.

Report
CocoK · 08/01/2010 18:11

I'd minimise contact to be honest - this little girl sounds spoilt, sad and confused about how to be around other kids. Doesn't sound like her mum is a great example. I'd just let the teacher deal with it at school, unless your daughter comes home really upset at some point. Then I'd have a chat and ask how the school is dealing with this.

If this girl upsets your daughter when they're with you, just explain why to her (if possible in front of her mum) i.e. 'it makes DD feel sad when you say that', 'that's not how good friends treat each other, is it? - why don't you say something nice instead?' or similar. Sounds like she could do with a good role model who can show her how to behave.

Report
trickerg · 08/01/2010 18:11

Encourage other friendships? Send her to a school with bigger classes and therefore more choice of friends? Take your daughter to a club where she meets other children?

Report
rainbowinthesky · 08/01/2010 18:12

I looked at a private school recently for dd and a big part that put me off was that it had such a small class. 9 doesnt give much choice for friendships or getting away from other children.
Mummyloveslucy - I have read your other threads and part of the reason why you kept your dd in this school was to avoid this sort of thing wasn't it. It can happen in state or private.
I don't think there's a lot you can do apart from avoid them being together outside of school.

Report
rainbowinthesky · 08/01/2010 18:13

The school they are both at is very competitive isn't it? Perhaps it comes from there a little too.

Report
mummyloveslucy · 08/01/2010 18:13

I do tell my daughter that if someone is being bossy, you can play with someone else. She does have several nice friends in her class who play nicely with her.

OP posts:
Report
iloverhubarbcrumble · 08/01/2010 18:16

I think you calling her a 'bossy little madam' is a little unfair - she is just a little girl who is not yet 5. I also think it's fairly normal behaviour in this age group, though she sounds abit over the top!

I am not at all surprised that you're getting fed up of it. Can you have a word with the mum, out of hearing of the girls, to let her know how you feel? It could be useful to let her know how you feel (perhaps just one example!), as the girl's behaviour is guided by the parent at this age.

I'll be interested to hear what others say. I feel for you as my DD age 11 has grown up with a rather competitive BF, who has always done everything/been there/had that and I have sometimes gritted my teeth! My SIL who is a psychotherapist has said that this is an inevitable and healthy phase of childhood - this may not help you much!

I would also try to find a wider circle of friends.

Report
Heated · 08/01/2010 18:17

CocoK has given really good advice.

Report
Blu · 08/01/2010 18:21

At nearly 5 the other child will still have v blunt social skills, and that kind of boasting is indeed v common. But she doesn't sound like an ideal friend for your dd, so I would nurture other friendships and play down contact with this particular friend.

Or you can coach your dd with things to say, and give her a perspective on what is going on.

And just keep boosting her confidence.

I wouldn't speak to the teacher atm - maybe if your dd says she is upset or it is actually a problem.

Report
mummyloveslucy · 08/01/2010 18:22

That's true rainbow, I always knew it could happen in both. I did think that it would be easier to deal with in a small class.
She is the only one who I feel isn't a positive influence.
I do feel sorry for this little girl in a way. She spends so much time at school and after school care. She's given so many expensive gifts to make up for this. I'm not supprised she is the way she is.
She's told her mum that she likes me too, which makes me feel bad.

OP posts:
Report
rainbowinthesky · 08/01/2010 18:24

My dd is 6 and changes friends a lot whereas ds at 14 has the same friends he made when 4. I know for my dd being in such a small class could never work without problems.

Report
mummyloveslucy · 08/01/2010 18:26

I know "bossy little madam" isnt a nice term, but it's the only way I can discribe her. I'm not saying it's her fault, but this is just the way she is. I haven't seen any other side to her yet.

OP posts:
Report
Petitioner · 08/01/2010 18:29

I've seen this behaviour in all sorts of my daughter's friends. Often it is just lack of social skills and they settle into nice girls.

The worse thing you could do IMO is intervene for your child. The 'bossy little madam' is possibly bigging up her life/herself because of underlying insecurity - attacking her could be harmful to her. Bolster your child in order that she can cope. Encourage other friends and limit her contact with this child until it settles but otherwise let her learn about human interaction from this child. Discuss it and talk to her about dealing with it.

When parents start intervening it usually escalates (because the other parent defends their child...as you would)and the children learn about bitter conflict rather than resolving difficult social circumstances

Report
claig · 08/01/2010 18:31

I agree with iloverhubarbcrumble, the little girl is a bit spoilt but she can't really help it. I wouldn't speak to the teacher about it, but would definitely speak to the mum, out of hearing of the girls, as iloverhubarbcrumble said, and let her know of your worries. I think it is inevitable that she will meet more little girls like this in future, and it can't really be avoided. It will probably get better over time and she may learn how to ignore or avoid it.

Report
cat64 · 08/01/2010 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadamDeathstare · 08/01/2010 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

mummyloveslucy · 08/01/2010 18:51

I suppose I do feel sorry for her, as I feel she is lonely and confused.
When she's at mine on her own, she behaves better than if her mum is there. If she does say nasty things to my dd I can say "That isn't a very kind thing to say to your friend, that makes her feel sad" etc. She'll then usually say "Sorry" to Lucy and the'll continue playing.
I didn't expect the school to do anything about it, maybe just to keep an eye on her and make sure she's not being upset or left out. I think that she's happy to play with the others though.
She seems to have three friends who she plays with most. She talks about these three more than the others, and I'm glad to say that they are very friendly towards her.

OP posts:
Report
Earlybird · 08/01/2010 18:59

Wouldn't speak to the Mum or the school. Also wouldn't go down the 'it makes dd feel sad' route, as it paints your dd as the victim.

When this child is around, and you hear these sorts of comments from her, I'd intervene and say something like ' everyone does things differently, and has different things. This is how it is at our house, and we are happy with it. It is different at your house, and you and your parents are happy with that. Every family is different, and neither way is good or bad'.

Or, in an abbreviated version, might say something to her like 'ooh X, i know you don't mean to be unkind, but that is not a nice thing to say'. Put it nicely/firmly back on her so she understands in a gentle sort of way that she is the one who needs to modify her behaviour.

Report
mummyloveslucy · 08/01/2010 19:06

Thanks earlybird, great advice.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.