ds behaviour problems in reception

[PortiaPie]

My 4 year old ds2 started reception on Monday. He's at a lovely little village school which does extremely well. His teacher is lovely, and I have a good feeling about her.

He has had no formal nursery education except for 2 half days per week at a pre school when we lived abroard. I have mostly stayed home with him since he was born.

He has always been a very headstrong boy (polar opposite of his elder brother), who does not like rules and regulations, but responds well to routine and structure. He's bright, very inquisitive, funny, loving and caring.

Anyway, so he started school, and I had my heart in my mouth, because I just knew he'd react against everything, just like he did at his pre school abroard. His teacher there, was amazing and within a few weeks he had calmed down and was doing quite well, but was still a bit of a handful. At school here he's started hitting other children (something which he gave up a year ago), hiding under tables, refusing to sit on the mat for story time, shouting out constantly in assembly for his brother, who is mortified by his behaviour.

I know his new environment must be very bewildering for him and he's probably testing his boundaries until he knows what's expected of him, and yes, he'll probably settle down. But, I sometimes wonder why he reacts in such an extreme way to unfamiliar situations. He kept flopping to the floor today at school and 'tuning out' from his teacher. I know children deal with things in different ways, but his behaviour is really worrying at times. When he's at family functions (there's a lot of us)you can count on him jumping on the furniture, constantly wanting to rough and tumble with the adults, and generally being really hyperactive.

He learns really quickly though, so there doesn't seem to be any problems in that area. He'll concentrate for long periods of time on things that interest him. He loves books and will sit still when I'm reading to him. He loves role and imaginary play, he also loves his ds.

I feel a bit raw, emotionally, at the moment. I wonder if there might be something else going on with him.

His teacher abroad and here have said he does display a couple of ASD traits, but his teacher said it's far too soon to make a proper assessment.

I am totally at odds to know what to do. I feel I've failed him.

He told me he ripped up his 'good behaviour' stickers today at school. He said this with a smile on his face.

[TillyMintSpy]

Well, starting reception after being at home with you (and the centre of attention) - it is only his first week and it will take a bit of adjusting to.

Is it quite a formal environment or play-based (I know they should all be play-based, but not all are)?

And how have you escaped school closures with the snow?

[overmydeadbody]

Let him settle down in school before making any judgements or worrying too much, it is early days yet, he's only been there 4 days! Some children (especially headstrong ones) just take longer than others to settle and feel comfortable and safe enough in school not to play up like this.

[RainRainGoAway]

Bloody hell. It upsets me when I read that he is only 4 and yet society expects him to behave like an impeccable learning machine. It just seems too young for some children.

No advice, just makes me wonder that your DS is frankly still not ready for school. FFS they Should be leaping on furniture a bit, shouldn't they?

[PortiaPie]

Tilly - His teacher said his first few months will be like pre school for him (not much expected?) but this morning he had to sit down straight away to attempt writing his name. He's never shown any interest in writing, colouring etc. His little face dropped.

We didn't escape the snow so in reality it's been a very short week.

Yes, he's always like being centre of attention, and maybe he's cheesed off at having to compete with other children. Hmmm I didn't really think of that. But don't you think his reaction is still a bit extreme?

[overmydeadbody]

You have not failed him, he is just showing individual personality traits, from your post you sound slike a loving caring mother so please don;t be hard on yourslef. You have not failed him, he is only little.

[PortiaPie]

Rain, you've brightened me up! I agree entirely, but escaping from what society expects is bloody difficult sometimes.

Thanks overmydeadbody for your comments. May be I need to breathe a bit.

[RainRainGoAway]

Portia- my well behaved DD (age 5, but with a July birthday) has not shown any interest in writing or reading during hte whole of reception. It is only now that she is ready to learn. And I think boys take longer still on average.
He may well just not be ready.

[overmydeadbody]

He is very young to be expected to do much regimented academic work, but he may also just be reacting to not being the centre of attention and not being able to call the shots all the time. Don't worry, if the teacher says it will be like preschool in the begining then it will, and he will settle into the routine in the end, you will see.

[overmydeadbody]

And, if it makes you feel any better, my DS found it very difficult to settle into school at first, so much so that the staff actually suggested he was possibly on the autistic spectrum, but now, in year 2, he is like a completely different child, good, well behaved, funny, talkative, and enjoys school, so don't panic too much right now, it is probably more his age than any specific learning difficulties that are causing his behaviour (which is normal behaviour for a 4 yr old isn't it, really?)

[overmydeadbody]

and the fact that he is in a small village schooll will probably be a bonus and help him settle quicker.

[PortiaPie]

Thanks both of you. Think I just needed a bit of reassurance, looks like we're never too old for that! A glass of wine has helped as well!

[PortiaPie]

overmydeadbody - god, that makes me feel much better! Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees, when you think you're the only one with a problem child. I hope for his sake he settles eventually just like your DS.

Six months ago he was down at the beach most days, and now he's having to learn to write his name - such a shame. He has a short name, so I'm hoping that helps, but to him it might as well be Englebert Humperdinck!

[SweetGrapesSoakedInRum]

Reminds of my little one. He has started nursery last September and is all over the place. Some of the girls there can write their names so he was also asked to write his. He took the paper, scrawled all over it, gave it back and told the teacher very firmly he had written his name!
He is very headstrong and very firmly tells the teacher 'No' when he doesn't want to do something. But I don't think he's been jumping on the furniture. He's stopped just short of that.

[SweetGrapesSoakedInRum]

Some of them just are like that. Don't worry, he'll settle down.
Nice name btw

[claig]

PortiaPie, I agree entirely with overmydeadbody. I think he is bewildered and a bit frightened by this new environment, where he is unable to stand out from the crowd. He is a child that needs more attention to make him feel comfortable than the other children in the class, and one way to get it is to misbehave. He is a bit lost in the large class, the hitting probably serves to regain a sense of power and control. I hope the teacher gives him extra attention.

I think that when he is with a large group of adults, he is also at danger of not being noticed as they all talk to each other and forget about the most important person in the room. That is when he starts jumping around on furniture, just to remind them that he is there. He sounds great and very clever.

sweetgrapessoakedinrum,
"He took the paper, scrawled all over it, gave it back and told the teacher very firmly he had written his name!"
fantastic, I can just imagine the way that he thrust the paper back and confidently dared the teacher to suggest that he had misspelt his name. He will go very far

[mistlethrush]

My ds is in reception - and they have problems trying to get him to sit still on the mat (although if its a good story he will sit there spellbound!) - there's always something more interesting to do with your arms and legs than to keep them to yourself - and its much more interesting viewing the world sprawled upside down than sitting up like everyone else... However, he started reception in September, and things are improving. I do think, however, that some boys are very physical and its difficult for them to keep it bottled up if they are excited or stressed. I'd give it time, but keep in very close contact with the teacher and demonstrate to them that you're willing to work with them.

[PortiaPie]

Thanks for your replies, it helps to hear other people's stories.

Yesterday was awful Ds's teacher said he smashed up the other children's models. Did lots of running around the room (tracking and mapping, she called this). He slammed his hands on tables etc. However, she said that he can and does listen to instructions and follows through. He has always been a very headstrong child who likes to control his environment and everybody within it. It's been quite a hard 4 years with him! He's a lovely boy though, and I hope his school will get to see that side of him.

Yesterday he came home with a cold and sore throat which doesn't help. His behaviour at home has improved, amazingly, but this might be down to him being unwell and exhausted from all the battling during the day.

His teacher said she needs to start introducing firmer boundaries to deal with his behaviour. He's either going to do head on battle with her or he'll accept her authority.

I realise that a lot of his behavioour is attention seeking, which leads me to think that I either haven't given him enough attention or I've given him too much! I could go round in circles questioning my own parenting skills, but I'm trying very hard not to. My mum said I've been too lenient with him over the years, probably I have, and consequently he's paying the price for it. His teacher inferred that maybe I've done too much for him, ie always put his shoes on for him etc.

The full days must be a huge shock for him as well. He's totally not used to that! I'm thinking of asking the school if he can do half days for a while in the hope that might help him settle.

I feel for him, because school at the moment seems like punishment. HomeEd lurks constantly at the back of my mind, as I've always been a bit anti-establishment!

[tipsycat]

Hi. My DS is now 8 and has ASD. He was diagnosed at 4.

I am not suggesting that your DS has ASD, but if you have concerns, then see your GP and ask for a referral to a community paedriatrician. (spelling?) There is usually quite a delay between referral and diagnosis, so if you decide to go down this route, try to take this into account.

If he does have ASD, early intervention is very important, and you could apply for a statement of special educational needs so that he would be given extra help in school.

[JollyPirate]

PortiaPie, your description sounds just like my DS at the same age. My DS is now 7 and has just been diagnosed with Developmental Co-ordination Disorder which encompasses a few issues such as dyspraxia, dyslexia, Aspergers etc. My son falls mainly into the dyspraxia side of things and one of the things he does is move around alot. The OT has said that this is due to his vestibular sense not being able to totally sense where he is in space and so subconciously he needs to keep moving in order to provide that information for his brain. It's most apparent when he watches TV as even when sat down he will rock and move about - sensory seeking the OT calls it.
FWIW my son has been discussed as possible ASD at times but he isn't - nor does he have ADHD but DCD has elements of all these things and so DS has extra support in the classroom.
Not suggesting for one moment that your DS is the same as he's still young and this year is still all about settling down. My son had other issues in the Reception year (immature pen grip for example) as well as racing round the classroom, hiding under tables and a dislike of sitting on the carpet for story time.

[PortiaPie]

Thanks for the advice tipsycat. Dh and I discussed getting him referred asap rather than waiting to see how he develops. I'll be taking him to the GP next week. I took him to a child development specialist in Australia, but tbh I didn't rate her very much. We decided to wait until we got back to England to get an NHS referral. Now that the school has suggested he may have ASD tendencies, it makes sense to get the referral going now. I now it's early days at school and I pray that it's just a settling in issue, but deep down I have my suspicions.

[PortiaPie]

JollyPirate - your story has given me a lot of food for thought, thank you. I'm going to do a bit of googling re developmental co-ordination. He does move around a lot, but stays still when watching tv or playing his ds. However, most of the time he acts like he's got ants in his pants. The one thing that worries me is that the school environment might be distressing for him if he has got other issues. I'd hate to think I'm making it worse for him.

I'm torn by thinking has he got ASD etc., or is it just a settling in, possible behavioural issue. It's driving me nuts and I'm desperate to do the right thing by him.

[MaggieMnaSneachta]

I'm SO glad I have the option to hold my son back a year (here in ireland) because although my 4 year old daughter was champing at the bit to start learning and loved conforming! (sitting tidily at her desk, loving her new pencil case etc!) my four year old son wouldn't care about ANY of that. I'm hoping he'll care by five and half!! If we'd stayed in the UK, he'd be the 'one'. The one the other perfect parents thought was a brat.

[MaggieMnaSneachta]

ps, my four yr old is definitely borderline ASD, he had a severe speech delay. he has just knocked the head off his sister's snowman. I don't think he wanted to do it. He couldn't stop himself. Kind of like a physical tourettes/

[MaggieMnaSneachta]

ps2, I'm going to appear a bit crazy with all my PSs, but I'm fairly certain my son is a little boy like yours.

I think there is a culture in the uK where it is totally taken for granted that any child who's not ready at 4 (and in some cases it would be only JUST 4) is 'a bit behind', but in other european countries it is taken as red that children are going to be ready to start learning some time between 4 and 6. It's not carved in stone that if you're not ready at four you're already behind schedule.

the 'culture' here is that parents assess for themselves in the run up to their child's fourth birthday whether or not they're actually ready to start the following september. There's no "BIG DEAL" here about holding your child back a year. People don't react as though your child is SN, dykwim?? They just shrug and say what's the rush, he'll be at school long enough (and it's always 'he' )

hth a bit.

[tipsycat]

The special needs section on here is very useful. There may be someone from the same area who can give you specific information about assessments, referral processes and local education authority procedures which all vary from area to area.

It a very difficult time for you and I understand your dilema. Many people thought I was worrying unnecessarily about my DS, but it won't do any harm to discuss your concerns with a specialist. If they don't see any areas of concern, it should put your mind at rest. If they do have concerns, they will start assessments and at least the process will have started.