DD Yr 1 upset because 1 girl tells her she can't play in group

[whatsthetimemrwolf]

Hi, DD is in year 1 and is shy and very sensitive. She has been very happy in reception but has never formed any special friends. Since moving up to year 1 there are a group of 3 girls who play together at lunchtime and playtime and she keeps asking the 'leader' of the group if she can play. The 'leader' is a very outspoken, confident and popular girl, but for some reason she has told my DD that she can't play, when DD asks why she tells her 'because I said so'. DD has told me that she runs away and has no-one to play with and this is really upsetting her. She told me this morning that she wished there was no playtime and lunchtime at school. She is happy at school, other than the playground.

I'm not really sure how I should be dealing with this situation so would really appreciate any advice you can offer.

[traceybath]

If it were me - I'd have an informal word with the teacher along the lines of 'dd is saying she has no one to play with at break times - is this true'.

I think personally that the teachers should then intervene and encourage all the girls to play together at that age.

DS is also yr1 and they seem to talk a lot in class about being kind to each other and approaching children who are on their own to play at break times.

[ShinyAndNew]

I could imagine my dd1 doing something like that. She is also very outspoken and can be wuite nasty at times. Try having a word with the teachers and the girls mum. Dd1 would be mortified if a teacher 'told her off'.

[traceybath]

I wouldn't talk to the other child's mum - go through the teacher.

Children sometimes get things wrong or exagerate (not that your DD is doing this) but you don't want to create playground tension if there's no need.

Teachers see these situations all the time and are generally good at dealing with them.

[whatsthetimemrwolf]

Thanks for your advice. I did recently ask DD's teacher at parents evening about who DD played with as DD often said she had no-one to play with. The teachers initial reaction was 'oh all children say that but its usually not true'. She then siad that she had recently monitored the playground and in fact DD was by herself but the older 'playground monitors' then played with her.

I am reasonably friendly with the mother of the outspoken girl and wondered about mentioning it to her but didn't want to create any friction, especially if DD is just being very sensitive.

I have said to DD she should ask someone else to play with her but she said that this group play mums and dads (which she loves) and other girls in the playground play chase with the boys, which frightens her.

I will speak to the teacher if this continues but am unsure how I should be telling DD to deal with the situation. I don't want to be an interfering mum as I understand that she needs to learn how to deal with these situations but it makes me very upset thinking of her being so sad and lonely at playtime.

[elephantsrule]

Suggest that she doesn't ask the leader of the group if she can play.
Instead she could ask another of the girls, or better still, just join in. My impression is that that is how they play at this age...they just join in/follow each other. At this age, I would guess that the other girl is not being deliberately mean but just experimenting with the power that being popular/confident gives you - and your dd is rather setting herself up for rejection, by asking if she can play and then going away when she is told that she cannot ifswim.

[elephantsrule]

meant iyswim on the end there

[ShinyAndNew]

If you get on with the other mum, it might be worth mentioning it in a gentle way.

As I said my dd1 can be very outspoken and is prone to being a bit nasty. It would shock me at all if someone approached me about leaving their out. I'd definately have a word with her about it. Infact I know she does push out one of her friends quite often. They seem to decide between themselves which friend (dd1 or her best friend) will be ignored that day . I think there is a bit of a power struggle going on between them iyswim?

I have told dd1 that she should say she will not ignore her friend when its her turn not to be allowed to play and next time it is her turn her friend will remember that. However I suspect it is instigated by dd1 and her friend as opposed to the quieter girls in their group.

I'd definately have another word with the teacher, if not the mum. And has your dd tried asking another of the girls if she can join in? Or just joined in?

[pagwatch]

speak to the teacher. They will have this every single year as it crops up all the time. My DD is getting very annoyed at the moment with one girl who keeps trying to tell the other ones who is and who is not allowed to play in which group.
She seems to be trying to ring fence my DD IYSWIM.
Does your DD ever have other girls from that group over to play or for tea? That might help stregthen her position IYSWIM - reinforcing her connnection with them. Plus she can just join in with the girls she knows better rather than approachingthe most forceful one.
( hope that makes sense)

[whatsthetimemrwolf]

elephantsrule - Good idea to tell her to just join in. Maybe thats why she doesn't play with many others at school as she expects to be invited/ask to join in. That makes perfect sense about power/setting herself up for rejection.

Shinyandnew - I think DD just struggles with people who aren't kind to each other. DD is genuinely very kind and thoughtful and takes it personally if someone doesn't treat her nicely. How awful, deciding who is going to be left out that day! I would hate to make the mum feel bad so perhaps I'll try the other tactics first.

pagwatch - Excellent idea to invite the others in the group back to play to strengthen her position. We have had one back to play and they got on great at home but didn't play together at school. Worth trying again though. DD even suggested inviting the outspoken one back home again so that she might let her play at school but she has been here lots of times and even when shes at our house she says I'm not playing with you at school! I hope things aren't too bad for your DD. Who would have ever thought that a group of 5/6 year olds could be so complex!

Thanks for help - where would we be without MN!