No real friends at school gate

[kidowner]

I am so lonely and bored I am depressed. I invited mums and kids who my children wanted to play with back to mine for lunch, play etc, some mums have been here 3 times but they have never invited us to theirs. I share a school run and do have a couple of very close friends,of my older children's friends but I have made an effort with my younger kids' friends' mums but altho they are happy to come here, they don't make an effort to reciprocate. When they gather at the schoolgate I'm too shy to join them bcos they look like they're arranging things together. Altho on a 1-1 I have nice exchanges w them. Do I keep offering or not bother anymore? They all look like they're having a great time and laughing, I am consumed w jealousy that I am left out. But don't get me wrong, they are all nice peopleand probably have no inkling I feel so sad and needy.

[savoycabbage]

I Have just moved to t'other side of the world where we know nobody at all. I have had to force myself to talk to people at school. It's quite hard work really but it's sink or swim for me.

I think you know really that they are not ignoring you or trying to push you out. I think you just have to keep at it, if you don't keep working on the relationships you already have with people, they are going to slide and you are going to feel more left out. It sounds like you are doing all he work by having people over to your house etc but sometimes that's just the way things go.

Start saying how you are looking for things to do in the holidays and what is everybody up to. Does anybody fancy meeting up at the park or whatever.

[dustyteddy]

Can you suggest meeting at their house instead?

[savoycabbage]

I would never be able to do that!

[lingle]

jealousy is a painful and powerful emotion isn't it? It's a very isolating emotion too.

Can you work on controlling feelings of jealousy?

[misshardbroom]

are these other mothers first-time school mums, i.e. is this their first child into school?

Have to admit that I often don't bother that much talking to mums who I know have older ones higher up the school as I assume they already have a circle of friends around their older child's class.

[izyboy]

On a couple of occasions I have felt like you but really pushed myself to go up to groups and join in. It is the only way forward.

[izyboy]

Oh and on one occasion I invited 2 mums over with the kids- 1 forgot and the other was in a rush and didnt want the lunch I had prepared because she had just eaten with another friend.

You can imagine I was pretty upset about this in private as I too was feeling lonely as a SAHM.

However I managed to 'get over it' and I am good friends with both - these thigs happen -try not to let your shyness dictate boundaries.

[kidowner]

You've all been brilliant and I feel better already. Yes, most are 'first born' mums and coming to think of it, once I had established my 'first born's' network (sharing school runs, now sleepovers etc)I barely talked to anyone else. Also, I had an au pair so could share all the laughter and tales of what children get up to with her on a daily basis. After my last was no longer a baby, we didn't need an au pair anymore and it wasn't until he started pre school (age 2 1/2)twice a week that I realised there were a lot of very nice mums around whom I had barely noticed before.So I made efforts (my 1st born will start secondary school in Sept)and wanted to make new friends. I have been invited to go for a run with a group of them but sometimes I have no energy to run and may embarrass myself not being as fit (also have shorter legs)so would rather be invited to theirs for a cup of tea. Why is it that on a 1-1 I'm fine but when I see them in a group I lose complete confidence in myself and think no one will want to talk to me so I just run back to my car as quickly as I can, distraught.

[MollieO]

I rarely do the school run but I, as a first born mum, I would assume that those with older children already have an established network of friends and therefore aren't bothered about getting to know us. I'm never around at pick up time but I do drop off once a week. Then I see all the other 'older' mums chatting whilst I am there on my own wondering when I can make my escape or waiting for one of the two mums I know to turn up. I don't know how people do the school run on a daily basis, I'd be an emotional wreck if I did!