If you don't do the school run...

[cupofteaplease]

...does it affect your child's 'social life'?

I posted this in Chat at the weekend, and was directed here for more advice from the experts

I cannot do nursery school (attached to primary school) run on a regular basis as I work FT. Dh and childminder alternate drop offs and pick ups each week. I have done the school run about 5 times since September, and all the mums stand in line chatting. I'm good at making small talk, but it is clear they all know each other, so they are polite, but not friendly, if that makes sense?

dd (3.8) has been there since September and has not been invited to a single party or play date. I know there have been both of these as I know one of the mums from when our girls were little and we text one another occassionaly.

dh doesn't feel he can host a play date without me there, as he thinks other mums might feel uncomfortabe- I've no idea if he is right?

Are play dates and parties at this age determined by parents' friendships rather than the children? So will things get better? Or will dd be excluded further, seemingly because her mum doesn't make it to the school gate each time. (I say this because the nursery teacher says she is popular with lots of children.)

I'm feeling very bad about working at the moment after hearing of yet another party dd hasn't been invited to

[bodiddly]

I cant help I am afraid but will watch this with interest as I too work full time and ds starts school in September. I have often wondered whether he would miss out as a result!

[throckenholt]

dh doesn't feel he can host a play date without me there, as he thinks other mums might feel uncomfortabe- I've no idea if he is right?

my dh has hosted many playdates without me being there - it has never been a problem.

How about initiating a play date rather than waiting to be asked. Although to be honest 3.8 is pretty young - I would wait a while anyway.

[compo]

firstly I think lucky you
secondly when they are at school with paydates the parent doesn't need to stay so dh will be fine with the child just getting dropped off and saying hello and goodbye to the mum
thridly birthday parties usually invite the whole class to start with so make sure you go to a few at the beginning so you recognise some parents, then start saying hello to them if you see them at school when you do go
there are often other things to go to like school discos, xmas fairs etc
when your child is in y1 or y2 people will just drop off and the child will go into school on their own so it is only the first couple of years you re hanging around waiting to go into the classrom and feeling like a spare part if you have no one to talk to
so to summarise, don't worry, it will all work itself out

[PuppyMonkey]

Well, speaking personally, I was never very good at the old school run banter and although I tried, I was always out of the circle iuswim. Then I was working some days too, so missed out altogether on this fabulous routine.

But I found the invitations still did come to dd actually. Too blardy many of them . And I gradually got to know some of the mums better and did all the playdate things. Eventually made some pretty good mates with other mums - still friends now even though dd1 is at secondary school.

Can't you do a playdate at the weekend or on a day off and see what happens? You never know til you try!

[compo]

tbh I think if you work you have work friends so the need to make friends for you on the school run isn't there
and the children sort themselves out with friends at school anyway
at secondary school I lived miles away from the school and never went round people's houses
but I had loads of friends at school still

[mankyscotslass]

I think as your dd gets older and the children verbalize who their friends are then she will get more invites.

I've found at nursery and to some extent Reception class ages, it does depend a lot on who the parents know or are friendly with.

Whole class parties in our area are very scarce, and it's usually about 10 children in soft play or at someones house, so the tendency at the younger age is to go with who you know. I am guilty of this.

Definetely by Year one DS picked who he wanted to go to parties, and a lot of the children I never knew the parents, and equally he has been to parties of children whose parents I don't know either. So it does improve.

Does the Nursery/school have an active PTA? It can be a good way to socialize with other parents after school hours, and may help to get your face known.

[cupofteaplease]

Thanks for the replies- you clearly are the experts over here!

I think I shall try and organise a play date on a Saturday. I could pop a note in dd's bookbag to give to the girl she keeps talking about.

The school has a very active P(I)TA, so that's a good suggestion, to get involved in that.

I'm pleased to hear that it improves as children get older.

Compo- although I have plenty of fiends, I have none with children my dds' ages, which leaves a bit of a hole in our family social life. That propbably sounds weird, but sometimes I wish I had a mum friend who I could talk to about what dd1 is doing in class, or how dd2 is developing.

I don't know, I often find myself thinking that parenting is nothing like I imagined. I often feel like I'm outside of some 'loop' where everyone else has got it sorted

[mankyscotslass]

COTP, I am a sahm, and even now still feel out the loop with some of tha parents....there are cliques within cliques....just like being back at school myself!

[BonsoirAnna]

To the OP: I do do the school run, and I find that my DD and I make friends among the parent-and-child combos where the mothers do the school run. I think that's a bit of a fact of life. I am not remotely averse to DD making friends with children whose mothers don't do the school run, but lack of opportunity for us all to meet (and plenty of opportunity to meet the mothers who hang around school) means it just doesn't happen without lots of effort.

[twinsetandpearls]

I was a SAHM so dod the school run when dd was at nursery and she had lots of invites, as did. I went back to work when dd was at prinmary school and noticed that she was not getting invited to things and I definetly felt out of the loop. Dp now works from home so does the school run in dd new school and dd social life does seem to be much better.

Dp also hosts lots of playdates as well as doing th school run and activities and noone thinks it is odd.

[cupofteaplease]

So BonsoirAnna, if your dd bought home an invite for a play date from a child you'd never heard of, whose mum you had never clapped eyes upon, would you agree to the playdate? You may be able to give me an insight to how 'Tilly's' mum would feel!

[Litchick]

We tend to get and give out play date invitations by email or phone so it wouldn't matter if you worked or not.
If it were me I'd send out a chatty offer to someone your kids would like to get to know better.

[twinsetandpearls]

I think dh needs to start being more chatty in the playground and offer to host a playdate.

[MollieO]

No problem with party invites as it seems to be whole class (small classes thankfully) but am sure there is an effect re playdate invites. I can only do weekends and most people tend to have family activities at weekends so quite hard to organise. Ds not invited to some parties of dcs he plays with in other class (whereas some of his classmates are). Not sure if that is because of lack of contact between me and other parents or whether he thinks he is more of a friend than he actually is. Hard to know at 4/5.

I do feel guilty especially during holidays like now when he is at holiday club every day and seems to be the first to be dropped off and last to be collected.

[piscesmoon]

She is very young so I wouldn't worry about it, at that age the social life of the DC is dictated by the parents. Once she gets to school she will make her own friends. My DCs always had their choice of birthday guests and so I didn't always know the parents and I have never gone in for whole class parties.
My DSs were never particularly friendly with the parents that I chatted to at the school gates and so I met others through them. As they get older their social life and choice of friends has less and less to do with you.

[Katiestar]

I would ask you Dh to mention to the teacher that your DD wants to start having friends back and could she possibly introduce you to Tilly's parent.Your DH can then tell the mum/dad the situation and ask for phone number and youi can ring Mum up have a chat and invite her back + parent if they wish.If she is in anyway unhappy about your DH hosting playdate (can't see why) a pound to a penny she will invite your DD to theirs instead

[lisalisa]

cupofteaplease - have only read your OP.

I'm going to be brutally honest here. Yes. I am a working mother too and have variuosly :

1 Worked full time 5 days per week till 6.00pm

2 Worked 4 days per week till 6pm

3 Had one year at a time maternity leaves ( 5 times)

4 Worked part time 4 days per week until 3.00pm.

I found that whilst working full time so that I was never in the playground my kids did get much fewer if any offers. the main reason being is that many playdates are aeither arrnged on the day or by mums chatting in the playground and arranging dates. It is fairly rare for little Johnny to want to play wiht Catherine enough to nag his mum constantly and not be satsfied with little Steven who's mum is in the playground and can arrange a playdate now such that Johnny's mum has to go to the bother of finding Catherine's mum's phone number and remember to call her at home and schedule a playdate. Most mums in my opinion will try to do the easiest thing and arrange with who's there at the time - same thing with parties really - whoever is there and they can check replies with easily will be first in pecking order.

When i worked full time this used to bother me terribly. In a way I had it lucky as the mothers of my dd's friends were also my personal friends who i saw at weekends anyway but as she progressed through the school and my ds joined the school this wasn't always the case and I used to leave insturctions for my nanny that she could agree anyplaydate ( within reason) and also invite back whoever the kids wanted . I used to make sure cupboard stocked iwht pasta and child friendly meals and try my best from a distance to make sure all went ok.

The harsh truth though was that mums were not interested in arranging playdates either directly wiht my nanny ( and would casually say " Oh get lisalisa to call me and we'll arrange ( without offeirng a number) " when nanny would say " Oh little dd would love to play wiht little Johnny ". If nanny invited the mums would also look a bit dubious too. Obviously if nanny long established then some of the trad barriers between mums and nanny would break down but my nannies tended to average at that time one year to 18 months and were never seen as permenant and therore like me.

Sorry to post this really but I do believe in being honest.

The only way to combat this is to be brutally orgniased on a military scale and have all phone numbers and make the calls yourself inviting as often and as many as you can. Even if it is all one sided at leats your child gets to socialise.

[Twims]

I started a new nanny job and didnt know the mums etc who had been there for a while and knew each other so I typed up some small invites - saying my name is (dc's name) would you like to come and play at my house or go to the park? and then added my phone number and got the teacher to put them into the childrens book bags of the children she was friends with or gave her some and she went upto the other children and gave them to them - and we son ended up with lots of texts saying when's good for you etc.

[lisalisa]

Twims - that is great. What a wonderfully proactive thing for you as a nanny to do. Guess I always had the wrong type of nanny....

[GrapefruitMoon]

Another option is to either join the PTA and get to know other parents through that or take on the job of organising a class contact list (emails and phone numbers) and organising the odd night out for mums or after school get-togethers at a soft-play area/park - I know you said you work full-time but you might be able to get off early once a half-term or so? Or invite children around at the weekend when you will be there?

I wouldn't worry about it too much until Reception, though...

[Twims]

Oh No Lisa it was all for my benefit it meant that I had a lot more choice in what to do with the children ie playdate with A,B,C or trip to library or even go to soft play with A,B or C which meant I didn't have to scale the jungle gym!

[lisalisa]

Aha Twims....... You still sound great though....

[Twims]

well if you need a nanny

[piximon]

Only read the op.

DS1 had a play date last year after I invited a boy from ds1's class. The mum said she couldn't make it, but would send her dh instead, so I guess some people don't think twice about who's hosting.

We since moved and changed ds1's school and so don't know many of the parents at the new school. I find that the parents do tend to invite the children of parents they know, partly because then they can be sure it'll be reciprocated, but if it's any consolation your dd is still young and will get invited to class parties etc once she hits school.

[BonsoirAnna]

I would not expect to get a note - mothers in our neck of the woods would telephone to make an appointment for a play date. I would have expected to have heard of and maybe have already met the child if DD was being asked to a playdate, and would normally accept for the TWO of us to go over for tea and a play.