Was the headteacher correct n reaacting like this?

[pupuce]

Hi

My 7 yo DS at lunchtime yesterday spoke to another child with whom he lunches everyday in terms that I am not happy with.
The other child (9 or 10) in question has some form of disability but I don't know the name of his condition. It is a growth problem and he is very short (but it is not achondroplasia). He is a lovely boy, everyone loves him and as far as I know DS has no problem with him.

However for some reason DS made some comments (I do not know the tone or the context) about his height... and went on to say if he was short it was his mumy's fault.... Of course I am livid... I don't know what made him say that and of course I am very unhappy about the whole incident. DS and I had a long chat last night, he understands that what he did was absolutely hurtful and un-called for. He has actually written all on his own a card for this boy. It's a lovely card and it's a proper apology. He had apologies aleady after the event of course.

After the incident (which the boy and one of his friends complained about - quite rightly) DS was very very sternly told off by the head. DD was in her classroom and said the teacher had to stop talking because they could hear the head shouting so loudly! The head can go off on one I know !
When I picked up DS I could see he was not right... she went to get me and made him tell me what had happened... he couldn't speak he was in tears.

Anyway she told me what happened, he didn't deny.
He then told me he didn't want to go to school anymore (normal reaction)... This AM he doesn't look quite right - DH noted that he looks broken.

Anyway... do you think the head was right to shout like this ?
He is also going to have lunch on his own today.

And of course I do not support what he did at all (he said to me mum I'm sorry I embarrassed you like this)... and I quite agree that this needs to be addresed... but should a head be that angry at a 7yo? What would you have done?

[EscapeFrom]

Children should not be shouted at.

Full stop.

suggest you go and scream you head off at the head, and just as he is threatening to call the polis, say "NOT NICE, IS IT!"

[pooka]

Crikey Pupuce. Not sure really what to say, but that personally I think that there is no need for a good teacher and leader to shout. Only serves to scare rather than to discipline IYSWIM.
It sounds to me like the situation was dealt with, adn that your ds is genuinely sorry and I think that should be the end of it.
He is only 7. We all know that what he said was wrong, as does he, I imagine. Seems rather OTT and I feel desperately sorry for him in that it's wretched feeling like you've let everyone down and having to go back under a cloud.

[EscapeFrom]

pS

I AM QUITE A SHOUTY MUM, BUT IT IS VERY DIFFERENT WHEN IT IS YOUR HEAD TEACHER.

[pooka]

Yes, do think he should go in, because otherwise it'll be hanging over him like a dark cloud over the weekend. Agree that you should approach the headteacher, and ensure that there isn't any unnecessary emphasis about yesterday today.
Perhaps say to your ds that today he's starting afresh, and that on MOnday a whole different week begins and people will have had the chance to forget about what happened over the weekend.

[susue]

Kids quite often say something to another child that can be upsetting and most of the time it never gets mentioned to anyone, it's just part of growing up. Your DS's reaction and feeling remorseful after the event shows that he is truly sorry and didn't maybe think before he spoke. Obviously the Head would want to have a word with your DS about what he said but I don't think any teacher should reduce a child to tears and the classroom next door shouldn't be able to hear him!! How can a child understand in a calm and reasonable way that what he said upset the other boy and why he shouldn't have said it etc when the person who holds the school together and is in authority is shouting his mouth off. Most of the time a stern look and words and the kids know where they stand. He sounds to me as if he likes the sound of his own voice. If the Head did something wrong and you were cross with him and wanted a word with him, the first time you get a bit annoyed they start saying ' calm down Mrs X we need to stay calm or I don't think we'll get very far'. All children should be talked to how we [and the Head ] would want to be talked to. Your DS will meet lots of people in his life like this Head and he'll learn how to deal with them as he grows up, just a shame he's met one so early on!! I'm sure once he's given the boy the card he's made it will all be forgotten. You'll have to keep yourself busy because you'll be thinking about him all day, chin up!

[pupuce]

Thank you everyone.
Susue you are quite right : Kids quite often say something to another child that can be upsetting and most of the time it never gets mentioned to anyone, it's just part of growing up.

DS told me last night that a child in his class has very often made fun of me to DS... of course "I am not bothered!!!" but when he reported it it was "Oh come on .... carry on playing"... I think it's because this boy is "different" that she may (it's a she) over reacted....

[twentypence]

I think being disapointed works better, but it's done now and I think everyone needs to move on.

[pupuce]

I agree... it's just hard to see a happy child looking very gloomy and not wanting to go to school. I just dropped him off and he was clinging to me... that is not his usual style. However I used some of the advice below and said to him that he had apologised, he knew what he had done wrong, would not do it again adn we needed to move on. He was quite teary eyed.

[2shoes]

your ds sounds sweet. and full of remorse.
sounds to me like the head over reacted. i think she was right to speak to him and punish him but not to shout at him.
hope he and his friend get over it.

[tigerschick]

I agree that your ds sounds very sorry and that the head should not have reacted in the way that she did.
I would not, however, go in and speak to her, unless either it happens again or you want to be 'labelled' as a difficult mum. I used to work for a shouty, over-the-top head and whenever parents felt the need to talk to him he'd make all the right noises while they were there and then totally ignore what they had said, even to the point of being rather unprofessional about it. I'm not saying that this head would do the same but I think that the others are right, chalk it up to experience and move on, and help your ds to move on too.
Hope he is OK and he and his friend can get over this quickly.

[pupuce]

I am also a governor at the school so I will indeed wait for this to happen again to DS or another child before I speak to the head... she was all smiles to me this AM!

[EricL]

I agree - no shouting. Giving the child a suitable punishment (pulling them up, lunch by themselves, etc..) and making them consider their actions is what she should have done.

You don't need to shout and humiliate a child to do those things.

[lisad123]

I would have a word with the head. She reacted wrongly, your son made a comment, which he knew was wrong but is very sorry for. As an adult I have let things slip out and strongly regreated it after

I would explain to your son that he has done the right thing making the card and knowing he was wrong. I would also tell him that I think you should tell your DS that you think the head reacted too strongly. I hate the fact that we often back up other adults as we think we should, even if we think they are wrong, it teaches the children the idea that adults are always right, and we arent

I hope your DS is ok and not too distress.
Hugs

[OrmIrian]

Poor lad . It's terrible that he feels so unsettled at school. I'm afraid that I would have to say something to the head. His relationship with her will be rockbottom after this.

[EricL]

Yes Lisa - it does seem a little over the top and almost as if the Head expects all children to never put a foot wrong.

We are meant to learn from our mistakes - not be humiliated by them.

I bet this event will leave a negative impression on the child - rather than just pointing out the error of judgement and correcting it.

[margoandjerry]

to be honest, I think you are overreacting.

I think you've handled it really well yourself - and the card is a good idea. Your son sounds lovely.

But how would you expect your 7 year old to be today? Yesterday was a bad day for him. He did something mean and got told off. Of course he's feeling low and tearful. That's all normal. The teacher probably overreacted but really, feeling bad after you've done something bad is perfectly alright.

I wouldn't go into the headteacher. I would just be brisk and jolly with your son. Your son will hopefully have a fun day at school today and it will all be over by the weekend.