Feel sad for my dd. admits she often has no one to play with :-(

(56 Posts)
sunnyshine Sun 11-Nov-12 09:39:33

My dd (yr 3) got upset and admitted that often she has no one to play with at lunchtime. She says she often sits on the friendship circle but no one comes. She is bright, funny and has some great friends but in turn they have other friends too so often gets left out in groups . She says she plays imagination games on her own but I'm not sure how to help ?

sunnyshine Mon 12-Nov-12 19:24:47

No lunchtime clubs and library is only manned at certain times. Can anyone link to the other thread? I looked before posting this one but couldn't see anything similar. Today when we talked she said she never gets invited to party's either sad ( think someone gave out invites again )

GreenGables1 Mon 12-Nov-12 22:21:59
mummytime Mon 12-Nov-12 22:31:33

My second child had problems (and I'm still not sure why as she is a very sociable child). I just kept drawing it to teacher's attention. Things improved the most when they got a student teacher to go and do some observation in the playground.
I would also definitely recommend finding a group outside school and with other children, it has helped my children through difficult times.

iseenodust Tue 13-Nov-12 10:05:55

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to suggest to the head that a few lunchtime clubs could help the school community generally. examples could be recorder, board games, choir. (None of those need major kit nor expense.)

ChipOnMyShoulder Tue 13-Nov-12 10:18:31

Sorry to hear about your DD - it always makes me feel slightly better that it's not just my DS, who struggles socially and is always on the periphery of what's going on. As time goes on, I feel his friends are drawing away from him, and I think to some extent he's given up a bit.

It also doesn't help that he's very drawn to a charismatic, very domineering boy in his class who treats DS like an annoying younger brother. He's nice to DS when he feels like it, but most of the time he doesn't, but like a magnet, DS keeps going back for more. Makes my heart bleed sad, but DH insists that he has to learn how to deal with these things, and we shouldn't intervene unless it's causing real unhappiness.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack!

ChipOnMyShoulder Tue 13-Nov-12 10:23:03

Oh, and one more thing.

My DS is a stickler for the rules too, Sunnyshine, just like your DD. He's terrified of getting into trouble and a bit of a goody two shoes (but also very kind and sensitive). Perhaps children are put off by this...

DewDr0p Tue 13-Nov-12 10:31:43

Ds1 had some similar issues last year due to friendship groups evolving.

Could you invite one or two of the other girls round for tea (one at a time) over the next few weeks? Also it might be worth finding out what everyone is into at the moment. Ds really benefitted from getting the Lego Star Wars game for the Wii - it was all any of them were talking about for a while! Not suggesting your dd should change to fit in but sometimes a bit of extra playground currency is useful.

You are definitely doing the right thing by talking to school. Hope it goes well.

Finally, not sure if this helps but ds is absolutely fine now, back to his cheery and confident self. So these things can be turned around.

sunnyshine Tue 13-Nov-12 10:46:36

I agree she is a complete goody two shoes but it makes her who she is! They have clubs but all after school and for example a club for yr 3,4,5 and 6 with 14 spaces!! She never gets on anything. I think I will talk to school. Have phoned for an appt with the teacher and may chat to head too more generally. The problem with inviting friends over is she always ask for the same couple so is not expanding the group. If I say what about so and so she says "no mummy they don't play with me" I don't want to force people on her sad I hope that today is a good day and she's included but I already find myself thinking what if she's all Alone this lunchtime?

3bunnies Tue 13-Nov-12 11:24:31

Would you be willing to volunteer to run a board game group or similar once a week. Sometimes these things just need a volunteer or two to get them going.

My dd1 is also fairly mature for her age, always has been, in terms of moral reasoning etc, and although she has two friends whom she sees as her best friends, I'm not convinced that they are as committed to her as she is to them. She seems fairly happy for the momennt and will go and play with anyone, but doesn't seem to be part of a group iyswim.

We have been discussing her party and has taken a real effort to get her to consider inviting more than 2, and I know that some of those invites won't be reciprocated but I feel we need to make the effort. It is funny because dd2 only has one really close friend, and two other aquaintancies, but she seems more solid in those friendships, so don't think it is the number per se but the quality.

Leeds2 Tue 13-Nov-12 11:30:13

At the school my friends' children used to go to, the lunchtime clubs were run by volunteer parents. I know my friend was on a rota to help at the sewing club, and the craft one. I also heard mention of a gardening club in the summer. Would your school be amenable to any club being set up if you offered to run it for them, so that staff didn't have to give up their lunchtime? Appreciate this isn't possible if you work, or have children at home. Would also involve school in getting CRB checks for any helpers, but they might be willing to give it a go.

Hope it all goes well in your meeting with the teacher, and she has something positive to offer.

AmandinePoulain Tue 13-Nov-12 11:58:45

I could have written your post. Dd is 4, she has just started reception at the same school that she attended nursery, with the same children. At parents evening a few weeks ago her teacher told me that she is popular and although she mostly played with one little girl, who we've had over to play and socialised with outside school, she played with lots of different children. However, her 'best' friend (let's call her A) has now decided to be best friends with another girl (B) and won't let dd join in with them. A was off school yesterday and it broke my heart when dd said "because A was off I was allowed to play with B today". I ask her why she doesn't just go and play with another group and she says that they don't want to play with her, I guess because they've already started playing whilst she was following A around trying to join in. It really upsets me to think of her all on her own at playtime because that's what happened to me a lot. I don't know whether to try and strengthen a more casual friendship by inviting another girl over for tea, or have a chat to the teacher.

sad

PastSellByDate Tue 13-Nov-12 14:54:29

Hi sunnyshine (and any others concerned about DCs not playing).

Gosh lunch and recess/ playtime can be a minefield.

Solutions we've hit upon over the years:

1) Find something you can do on your own but be open to people joining in.
(Hopscotch, jumping rope, riding scooters, playing on bars, etc...)

2) Be open to including others. If you include them, they'll tend to include you.

3) Don't beg to play with people - it is understandable, but children being children it really does open you up to being bossed about or just excluded (so the others can feel that power over you). Ask to play, but if they say no, say o.k. and move on.

4) Draw. No teacher will object to you taking a pencil or pen and a piece of scratch paper and drawing during recess.

5) Read. DD2 found that one day a week her great pals all played football with the boys (apparently a day was set aside for this, because it took up so much space in the playground). DD1 doesn't like football much, she finds it way too rough for her liking. So she would read books during that recess. I was thrilled - because she was a slow reader and could do with the practice. The school asked if I was concerned and I said no, she's very fit and does a ton of sport/ dance outside school - so that's fine with me.

6) Does the school allow chalk on the play ground? Draw/ write your name/ etc... with chalk on the play ground.

7) point out equipment they could play on during recess. It never occurred to DDs that they could use the climbing frame or the wall to balance (children are allowed to walk along a low wall in the playground) - if nobody was playing with them. What we found was that she'd start on these and others would join in.

8) Nature watch. DD2 is into ladybirds. She rescues them from the playground and makes them little shelters. She also makes designs with leaves or flower petals that fall to the ground over in the quiet area. She's often in her own little world and is as happy to do this on her own as she is to have others join in. She started off all by herself but ended up with quite a big group of ladybird rescuers/ shelter builders by the end of September this year.

My advice is that if you're friendly and reasonably sociable (say hello, share a joke, talk about things and are supportive of other children) you will make friends. The difficulty is that it can take time and that mutliple form schools can switch things round breaking up friendship groups and unsettling things - but you can and will get through.

Outside of school - try and encourage other friendships or at least recognition that there are young people outside of school who also are friends. It helps to ensure that they don't base everything on that small little community. The reality is that in Y7 they'll drift off to all sorts of different places and start this process of making friends all over again. And just to prepare you - you may also have to help through Y7+ when a great pal from primary drops your DD as a friend, for whatever reason.

HTH

iseenodust Tue 13-Nov-12 15:02:10

Past what a brilliantly helpful post.

sunnyshine Tue 13-Nov-12 21:46:12

Past thanks some great ideas there .will keep in mind when I see school. Today was not a great day. Was too worried to ask to join in so stayed on fringes again.

ewaczarlie Tue 13-Nov-12 22:13:12

I've been reading these posts earnestly as I fear my ds will have this problem. He seems to have settled on a group of friends in nursery but I feel that he is more on the outside rather than in the group. He's a lovely little boy (of course) but seems to do better with adults. I'm starting to ensure I invite as many of the other kids over when I can to ensure that e starts to form friendships. I'm going at it through the mums and even if I feel that a particular child may not be ds' play friend I want to ensure that there is some reg contact after school so that he gets used to playing with them. This really worries me as I am quite social but dh isn't and I'm worried that my darling sensitive ds may not cope.
Let me know how things go with school talk as I'd be interested in how schools respond to this.
Good luck to everyone whose heart is breaking for their dcs

Fairenuff Wed 14-Nov-12 08:15:52

It would help enormously if your dd could speak up to the supervising adult because they will help her. If they don't know there's a problem, they will assume everything is well.

So I would advise the following. Firstly, it's important that you speak with her teacher so that she is aware. Ask her to let all the staff know.

Then practice with your dd how to ask for help. She should go to the adult and say 'I have no-one to play with' or 'so and so won't let me play with them'. Tell her that each time there is a problem, she should tell the adult, preferrably the same adult.

We do lots of work on inclusion during PSHE and reward children for being kind and thinking of others. We teach emotional literacy so that children can imagine what it might feel like to be in the other person's shoes.

I am sure that your school will do plenty of this too and will be more than willing to help your dd but they can't if they don't know it's a problem, so speak to the teacher as soon as you can.

sunnyshine Wed 14-Nov-12 09:54:58

Thanks again for all your replies. We had tears again this morning as didn't want to go in. Spoke briefly to teacher who said that she had noticed a few children were struggling and had talked about it in pshe but would again talk to the class and help individual children. An going to talk to head too. Will keep you posted.

sunnyshine Wed 14-Nov-12 18:47:03

Came out happier today. Teacher had arranged a lunch party to sit together and wait until all had finished before going out to play. Seemed to work, and were given skipping ropes and stuff to help all join in together. Will keep an eye in things but a good start smile

iseenodust Wed 14-Nov-12 21:07:51

Oh that's very promising.

colette Wed 14-Nov-12 21:16:52

sunnyshine smile
dd had a similar problem in p3 , I talked to the teacher and she set up a buddying system which helped.
she is now in s3 and has some really good friends .

sunnyshine Fri 16-Nov-12 09:57:13

Appt with head later today to discuss the lack of children who help if a child is on the friendship circle. Seems its a tool that doesn't work sad but hoping I can help get it working so no one feels like my dd did.

colette Fri 16-Nov-12 23:32:14

Hope it went well today

sunnyshine Wed 21-Nov-12 14:14:54

Head seemed to suggest it was each individual class who decide how they are going to use friendship stop. My suggestion was that clearly this isn't happening and maybe a school solution needed to be thought of. My dd teacher has now suggested a buddy system for their class and each week 2 children are the buddies and they have to keep an eye on the stop and go to see someone if there on it, seems to have been a better week for my dd so hoping she returns to her usual self soon. Am keeping an eye on her and the schools actions too.

colette Wed 21-Nov-12 20:12:29

The buddy system sounds good, glad it's a bit better for her. smile

DazR Wed 21-Nov-12 20:32:40

Looks like things might be improving sunnyshine - hope it continues for your daughter. I think it would be a good idea for your daughter to join an 'outside' school club such as brownies, girls' brigade or a kids club. She would make new friends and learn new games/skills which she could then share at school. These are usually quite structured and all children are included. It would give her a new interest and focus.

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