Moody, tearful, spiteful, unreasonable dd, 9. How can I help her?

[kissmyheathenass]

DD is 9.6. She has been angry and moody for a while now (I'd say a couple of years but getting worse). She is horrible to her younger sister, cries at the drop of a hat and will not cooperate with the most simple request (ie putting sun cream on). I find we are all treading on eggshells to try not to upset her.

she is very very bright but doesn't seem to have many friends in school and I think she is really unhappy there.

I have tried talking to her to find out what is wrong, I have spoken to school who are trying some interventions re the friendships.

Is this just normal pre-teen behaviour? My ds wasn't like this at all. He shouted a lot but that was all. what can I do to help restore normality?

[kissmyheathenass]

.

[CuddleTheBear]

I have no experience of 9 year olds but I don't think this sounds like normal preteen anxieties.

Have you considered moving her to a different school? It does sound as if her unhappiness at school might be the root of the problem and no amount of walking on eggshells at home is going to improve that situation.

With regards to the school 'intervening' with her friendships - that sounds like a lot of talk and bluster to me. Children are children and cannot be engineered into being 'friends' with people not of their choosing. Take it from a high school teacher.

Really I do think you should consider moving schools. Even better for a bright girl - is home ed a possibility? Or a Steiner school?

[MaryPoppinsBag]

Do you discipline her for her unreasonable behaviour?
It's not reasonable to refuse to do something you've been asked to do like putting on suncream.
If you are walking on eggshells, she most likely thinks she rules the roost.
She needs punishment for being unkind to her sister.

Stop allowing her tone a brat!

[MaryPoppinsBag]

• to be not tone!

[trice]

Dd is 8. She is a stroppy, rude, weepy little firework at the moment. She finds a lot of things frustrating and has such impossibly high expectations of herself and everyone else she is constantly disappointed.

I have put her on a star chart and upped her chores to keep her busy. It has only been a week but the extra attention seems to be doing her some good.

I think growing up can be hard. And it must be horrid not having good friends to let off steam with.

I think you need a plan to help her make friends. There are some good books she could read for a start.

[kissmyheathenass]

Hi and thanks for replies.

Of course I discipline her for her behaviour - sent to her room, misses pocket money and treats etc. She admits, when in a calm and reasonable mood, that she knows her behaviour is wrong.

This evening she is in a foul mood because I insisted she showered and washed her hair (long overdue). I physically held her under the water and now feel bad for doing so. She is so defiant though, if I didn't force her, she just wouldn't shower and looking grubby isn't going to help her with friends.

We have talked about moving school and have even gone to look at a couple of them but she is adamant she doesn't want to move and tbh it wouldn't be easy with 3 dcs and different schools (all spaced miles apart). I will give it some more thought.

[trice]

I have to dunk my dd sometimes too Heathen. I try to be gentle but I can't leave her filthy.

If moving school is not the answer you need a different plan. How about a couple of hours mother and daughter time at the weekend where you both do something she likes without the others? I know it feels like rewarding bad behaviour but you need a starting point to begin communicating.

I am at the point where I am happy to try anything with my own dd.

[kissmyheathenass]

Another shouting match and sulk now. I've sent her to her room. This is getting steadily worse. She is constantly argumentative and defiant. How can I initiate professional help?

[escaped]

Please what ever you do, do not send her to a steiner school, it will ruin her and exasperate and compound her insecurities.

Perhaps get a few books or watch a few dvds together... always with a moral and I dilemma and ask her what she would do in situations. Set the scene for an honest and open discussion. Ask her how she feels when she sees others being treated disrespectfully and ask her what she thinks and how she would deal with it. Sometimes when your at your wits end its very difficult. But if she is pushing you because she feels she is too grown up to listen, give her some more responsibility. she probably cant see that you arent the enemy and how upset it makes you, so show her. When a she has the opportunity to see her own behaviour and the impact it has on others, she may think carefully before she responds. When she does something that surprises you in a pleasant way, give her a treat/praise to show you appreciate her co-operation.


just dont send her to steiner!