11 year old son has no motivation and no desire to "better" himself

[esoh]

My 11 year old son has no self motivation whatsoever. I feel he is what I would call the "x factor" generation in that life owes him a living and why should he try and do things either for himself or others. He has NO interest in doing anything as a family and makes life very unpleasant for all of us. He refuses to do any school work at all and literally "shuts his ears and eyes to it". Will someone please tell me that one day he will realise that he has to put some effort into life to gain results. !

[IWipeArses]

You could start by banning x factor?

[LynetteScavo]

Um...he is 11.

I think not doing school work and not doing things as a family are two different things.

Are you basically saying you think he's lazy? What does he do?

[AKissIsNotAContract]

Is he smoking weed?

[noddyholder]

He is 11 my son didn't get any until about 17/18 and still flags at times

[IWipeArses]

What results is he going to get if he starts doing what you want? Where is the motivation for an 11 year old to do anything they don't want to?

[heidihole]

He makes your life unpleasant? Are there consequences to his actions? Docking of pocket money/priviledges?

Does he understand that to have money you need to work for it (be it at school, or chores at home?)

Does he understand that if he wants to live in a warm cosy family home that that is a privilege not a right? I would remove his TV/X Box/Laptop etc until he gained some respect.

[MairzyDoats]

Agree with above posters - all the lovely things he sees as his right should be removed until he has earned them. What sort of outings are you going on that he doesn't enjoy? What would he prefer to be doing?

[Isabeller]

Don't worry. A dear friend's lovely son was only really interested in sharpening other people's pencil's and being sweet at that age but is a wonderful responsible young man now with a great job and about to get married.

[noddyholder]

Living in a warm cosy family home isn't a right aged 11?

[FranSanDisco]

DS is almost 11 yo and needs a constant firm foot in the small of his back to do anything these days. He used to be Mr Sociability - lots of friends, clubs and hobbies. Now he has a small group of friends I asked him if he has lost confidence due to someone saying something to him e.g you are rubbish at so and so? He said very seriously 'mum, I am changing' . I am hoping secondary school may awaken something but we still have another year.

[AndyMurraysBalls]

OP - IMHO you are describing most 11 year old boys.

Mine was like it too.

In my DS's case it was school. He was utterly bored with it at that point and needed to go to secondary where he could be treated like a proper bloke instead of a baby.

I cannot tell you the difference that made.

He's now 17, works every hour he's offered in the holidays, going back to 6th Form well up for it and has decided he wants to plan for University without any help or guidance from us because he wants to make his own decisions and find his own way.

He helps me mend things and lug stuff around without me having to ask.

He's not perfect - you should see the state of his bedroom and he leaves towels all over the place and has to be reminded about the washing up rota.

Don't panic OP. Just give him space, love, a good example and a few years to grow into himself.

[ffsx2]

I have a very ambitious self-motivated 11yo DD, and I think she is Very Weird. Convenient for me, but still weird. I'd be more relaxed if she were like OP's DS.

[yellowballoons]

Is there any back history at all?

[AmberLeaf]

Is the 11 in the title a typo?

[FranSanDisco]

AndyMurraysBalls - you bring me hope .

[heidihole]

Noddyholder no, sadly it isn't a right. Plenty PLENTY of 11 year olds across the world and the UK do NOT
It is a bloody privilege and a fortune of birth to be living in a warm loving family home. He should remember that and be reminded to be grateful.

[AmberLeaf]

How does an 11 year old 'better himself'?

[usualsuspect]

Of course he has a right to live in a warm loving family home,he's 11

What are you on about?

[noddyholder]

Agree amber some of the attitudes here are ridiculous. He is 11 he can't better himself he is good enough already in his own mind and he doesn't need to be told otherwise just yet.

[AmberLeaf]

Seriously heidihole?

I would say tat every child has the right to a warm loving family home, I know not all get one, but they certainly should!

[noddyholder]

21 posts in and I am considering hiding the thread A record! . Seriously do not expect an 11 yr old to have motivation or a desire to better themselves or the years between 13 and 19 are going to be a shock to you

[bunchoffives]

I think Heidi means he shouldn't be able to take everything for granted.

But at 11 he's still very much a child. Why not try introducing a couple of negatives (eg no x box at wknd until room cleaned) and a couple of positives eg pocket money=chores or chores=treat like swimming or something. See if you can build the connection in his mind between effort and reward.

[FranSanDisco]

OP, when you say he refuses to do any school work do you mean school work at home? What does he do that makes life unplesant? My ds is lovely at home most of the time but quite unmotivated to do much as I said earlier.

[TheCrackFox]

Good grief, he is 11yrs old, give him a break.

[MairzyDoats]

Sorry, to clarify, I didn't mean that the rights to a warm family home should be removed - certainly not. I was talking about the electronic stuff, tablets, ipads, tv, whatever. The stuff that my 10yo DS cherishes. :)