Not feeling I'm doing well parenting my DD (giant thread)

[Bluecarrot]

I've read a few similar threads on here but didn't want to hijack.

My dd can be v living and sweet and thoughtful. Just how I imagined my kids would be! Unfortunately, there's also another side to her, like the flick of a switch she becomes a moody "Kevin" or a screaming banshee...

I'm having major issues with her taking food. Well. When I say food it's actually things like icing fondant or Betty Crocker ready mix choc icing that she knew was for her teachers thank you cake/nanas birthday cake. She takes marshmallows even though we had discussed the recipie we would use them with the following night etc. first, I made her replace the stuff out if her pocket money. Soon she was taking so much that she actually owed me 2 weeks pocket money ( that she hasn't earned yet) . I cracked down more and said that's the limit and until the debt was repaid the iPod would be confiscated as well as the food needing replaced. She now hasn't had the iPod in months. What she is taking is usually bought the week it will be used unless its on offer, so she knows she will be found out pretty much instantly.

Of course she also lies about above and other things too. Steals my makeup - i fave her some but she decided to use mine too.. and leave it smeared over bathroom. Yesterday I told her at 3pm she needed to get washed inc her hair, before beftime at 8.30. She had the option if a shower ( hates) or a bath. If she wanted to let her hair dry naturally (which she prefers), she needed to be washing it before 7pm. I reminded her once gently, trying to give her a bit if responsibility etc. instead she washed under her arms with face cloth, soaking floor etc and then lied to me about having done it and said she dried her hair with hair drier while I was out at the washing line. I pointed out that shower and bath were dry, her hair didn't look or smell washed and so I was sure she was lying. She continued to lie for ages before eventually screaming at me and at one point thought she was going to hit me. She has done before several times. I have had to physically restrain her maybe a dozen times as I couldn't get past her and away safely.

She is lazy- leaves every room a mess and through some v creative thinking makes it all my fault ( I told her to go get washed or set table etc) DP is also a bit messy and I cracked last night at the both if them.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and feeling v unenergetic and v hormonal.

I confiscated the wii (cable only) about 2 weeks ago. She doesn't have her iPod due to icing theft and we don't have tv channels. Today she searched my room and has taken the wii cable. She has finished a half packet of mini marshmallows, ignored my requests to lift her washing and stuff from all over the house. She doesn't know I know about mallows or cable yet.

She went out with a "friend" for an hour who isn't a bad influence but isn't really a nice person - a bit bitchy and sly. They came back from the park and dd was upset because a group of girls for her school, who she played with up til June plus her "friend" were saying she was weird etc. she pretended not to hear and kept playing with the other younger kids. I was her 18 years ago in the sense I was v quiet and had a few close friends. I was picked on and just put my head down and tried not to cry. I don't know what to say to dd now.

With her transfer exams coming in November, baby with my new DP ( who she adores) coming in January and a lot of hormones flying around the house it all seems a bit of a mess. I'm prone to depression so thinking I should see a dr soon. I know DDs behaviour isn't normal but if I can't react "right" then it's not going to get better.

Does anyone have any tips for me? What would you do in this situation?

My two best friends, and my parents are all outbox the country so no back up ATM. DP away til Thursday too.

[Bluecarrot]

Btw I try to be consistent but the threat of being hit while pregnant makes me less keen to confront her. She doesn't listen to softly softly approach.

Need a super nanny type person I think!

Thanks to anyone who read my rant. Even if no one replies its been good to get it all out.

[YoniBottsBumgina]

How old is she? (have skim read will read properly before responding properly :))

[CreatureRetorts]

Yes how old? Has she been playing up because new baby is due?

[girliefriend]

I'm guessing she is about 14?

The food thing is a bit odd, is she a sweet tooth? Is there snacks she can have?

My dd is only 7yo so I have all this to come but didn't want to read and run!!

[Bluecarrot]

She's 10.5.

We don't have sweet food in the house other than te baking stuff but can you imagine eating 500g fondant? Ick!

We do have baked crisps and fruit/veg (pre prepared in the fridge) and she will mostly snack on fruit and veg. Sometimes she has the pasta in a mug things but I'm not too happy about those- they are emergency food rations from when I was feeling rough from pregnancy.

As its been building for a while I don't think it's entirely the baby. She wa definitely badly behaved (as above) before I was even pregnant, but certainly the summer months have been harder. We only told her when she left school for summer, so could be that we are together too much as well as baby on way.

[Bluecarrot]

Oh and while she will obv be affected by new sibling she is actually v v excited. She has read loads about pregnancy (wasn't allowed organic milk until she verified the iodine levels in my multivitamin!) and is reading to baby as often as she can. She came to hear a heartbeat etc.

I have told her that I'm nervous about baby, that its hard to imagine another little person Etc and assured her she can talk to us about anything she is worried about. Instead she reassures me!

[Parmarella]

My child is that age.

He goes through stages of craving food and sweets ( growth spurt?) and tiny sachets of dried fruit or baked crisps don't hit the spot, sandwiches and flapjacks do! And occassionally sweets or choc. So maybe give some more of the food she craves? Mine eats adult size meals AND a piece of cake or something sweet. Growing kids...

As to the shower thing, no big deal, DS did that a few times, i just tell him ( friendly) he cannot fool me and run a bath for him.

It does not seem that something is badly wrong, you will work it out. 10 is still very little really, IMO

[Bluecarrot]

Parmarella- It's not so much that exact incident as a continued ongoing refusal to do anything that she doesn't consider to be fun, then lies elaborately, directly to my face. Then gets aggressive. Eg. Is your laundry in the basket? "Yes" I check the room and its still on floor/under bed etc. it's draining. I try chatting to her when she's calm. In fact just after my first post we chatted for about half an hour. She understands the logic - I'm not making her pick up after herself as a method of punishment, its just a simple consequence. Neither of us want her to be smelly, so I remind her to take a shower sometimes etc.

[girliefriend]

Have you read the book how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk? I found this really useful.

Your dd does sound normal (whatever that is) btw!!

10 is still quite young, so maybe adjust your expectations a little bit. I would come to an agreement with her re the washing thing, sit down with her and come to a compromise with what is acceptable for both of you.

The lying i am not sure about,tbh - sorry unhelpful!!

You don't have any treats in the house poor kid it doesn't surprise me she is raiding the cake mixture tbh - I was and still am a real sweet tooth and sometimes nothing else hits the spot!!!

[NoComet]

Is DP her dad?

looks like massive, insecure attention seeking over the new baby to me. Done with all the hopeless half childish, half grown up gile that only 10 year olds can master.

How to talk is a good book, it will help as will finding a way of giving her lots of love, attention and a bit of freedom.

The last is vital, 9-10 year olds are out growing toys, but are not yet quite old enough to leave or let go shopping on their own for long. However, they need some control over their lives.

Really stupid things like choosing mac donalds or kFC, which route home, what to wear, what video to watch or helping meal plan made DD2 easier to live with.

10y will pick stupid fights, if at all possible don't join in and never ever try to reason with them until they have calmed down.

[Bluecarrot]

Thanks :) Ive ordered it from the library. I think I read it when she was v little but don't really remember.

Tried the Calmer happier easier parenting book but its either not working or I'm not doing it right! (Well, it works great until she switches!)

She does get some sweet things but we don't keep them in the house or its all eaten in a few hours.

She could spend all her pocket money on sweets.... If she didn't use the money repaying the icing etc!

She has been awfully sweet the rest of the evening though. Has made me drinks and a hot water bottle for crampy stomach without me even asking. We have chatted a lot and like I said, she definitely gets the logic etc, its working out what should happen when there's a conflict in what he wants to happen and what she needs to do. (Door slamming etc ill accept as normal. Hitting is not!)

[Bluecarrot]

No, DP is new partner who she adores. Her bio dad is vaguely involved- she just spent 2 weeks with him (he lives in England, we are in NI) and that happens once a year and he will come over one week or so around Christmas. He has never been a big part of her life.

We are trying v v hard to ensure she is not left out etc. this all started before the baby news and DP moved in, though it has escalated a bit. (Or maybe I'm more anxious ATM)

She does get to make lots of decisions (even prebaby) and they are v sensible when it involves us. It's when she's on her own or its mainly about her (like the showering thing where she waited 6 hours etc)that she can't seem to do it the same. Needs accountability maybe?

I'm far less emotional about it all ATM and thinking is a lot clearer - prob as I'm writing/typing it all. :)

[Parmarella]

I find that with aggressive behaviour or lying badly or helps if I say: this is NOT acceptable! You can NOT behave like this!

Spelling it out. Then give him time and space to think on it.