Please help

[MissStrawberry]

My 12 year old has been a little shit all day today. I am being awful with my language because I am at breaking point and have lost any kind of control over him. He hasn't done a single thing I have asked him too all day and has been taking the piss out of me all day. He has been mean to his siblings, has scratched one of them, shut the cat in his room according to DS2 and I just don't know what to do any more. I feel like crying. I feel like walking out. I know I am fucking up and I just can't live like this any more. Tablets will not help so please don't suggest that.

Just asked him how he felt about the way he has behaved today and he said it was unacceptable. He said he was angry because we took his lap top off him. We did this as a consequence of his bad behaviour.

So, since I am meant to be the adult and he is a child and I have clearly reacted all wrong to him all day as I had no idea he was angry what should I have done?

I told him he should have said to us he felt angry and wanted some time alone and we would have respected that but he started arguing with me so I said to go and find something to do.

THE above was posted yesterday in MH.

Today has carried on much the same with him making fun of me being in pain and making threats to push me and telling me to keep an eye on my lap top (He has lost his.)

Took my younger two to my in-laws after lunch as they have had enough and deserve a break and since we have been home he has cleaned out the Guinea Pigs and is now making a den in the garden.



Meanwhile I feel like a dishrag, still in pain and just wonder where my sweet lovely little mate has gone.

Also he teased the cat by holding his empty food bowl under his nose so he thought he was getting fed. DD at tears at this.

He has just come in from the garden and is talking normally.

I wonder if it is like PMT when they start growing up but he doesn't have the ability to stop. I take stuff for PMT. Is there any thing for pre-pubescent boys??

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Keeping the peace when you don't know why they're so angry is testing the patience of a saint.

They are like taller toddlers with attitude. When they are pre-school we tell ourselves if only they could speak!! When they're older, oh dear if only they could articulate their frustration!

Physically he needs to know that if he uses force against you he is crossing a line. He'll get bigger, stronger. You would not be the first parent to call the police if he offers violence against you. Clearly our own behaviour in that regard has to be beyond reproach so never raise a hand even if provoked.

How's he been with his younger siblings absent? 1:1 seems like the last thing on earth you fancy. But it can help especially as by now his actions are affecting the whole household. You've probably exhausted your repertoire of distractions and sometimes with more than one DC the varied ages make it hard to keep everyone happy.

Someone here can probably advise you about seeking support via school or your GP through CAMHS.

In a calm moment ask him if he can name 3 areas that get him feeling the rage. Ask for honesty: no holds barred. What is the likelihood, 1 will be achievable, 1 will be pie in the sky, 1 will be something he can change himself.

I do think hormones play a part and at the same time he needs to "own" his behaviour even if his moods fluctuate. And likewise you are making an effort to subdue your temper. I think kids his age feel pretty powerless so it doesn't do any harm to say you know what, I often feel fed up, I haven't hit the jackpot, I don't always get what I'd like either. 

Elsewhere I have heard of a code word to be used if tempers are rising and distance needs to be put between you so either party can step back without loss of face.


Nothing else to add but hand holding.

[MissStrawberry]

Thank you.

Just had a long chat with him. He's annoyed I told him off in Homebase weeks ago and then said to a staff member "did I say that in English?". He's annoyed I called all their names to say there were clothes to put away one morning while he was still in bed. He doesn't even remember half the stuff he said yesterday. He said there is no punishment that will work to make him stop how he is behaving.

I'm knackered.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Well done for trying! It probably sank in more than he let on. Isn't it amazing their memory for perceived slights or criticisms compared to their normal recall of everyday stuff, eg lunch money, gym kit, front door key.

[MissStrawberry]

I just feel 100% responsible for him being like this. I know all my failures.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Can hardly be neglect or ill treatment, do you mean some mood swings of your own? Going by your earlier mention of PMT I mean. Isn't it just as likely you and DS1 are similar personalities and spark each other off? If your relationship had always been problematical you'd not be so upset.

As far as being outnumbered goes you have DH and two sons and DD. If you are the main caregiver during the holidays you are going to be the one to face the flak. Today you tried a new strategy. Giving DS1 some space without the younger ones to address the situation. (NB Not the same as divide and conquer like some parents which can lead to serious divisions later on).

Hopefully DH backs you up when he gets home. Are you usually the disciplinarian?

[MissStrawberry]

I wonder if he does take after me emotionally but I don't know how to help him as he doesn't have PMT as such . We talked this morning and he said he does feel in control of what he is saying (sometimes I can feel myself being a cow but can't stop it when PMT is bad. Not good but not as bad as doing it on purpose which is what he seems to be saying he is.)

He has been fine today. We have discussed the options for what we can do and are just letting the day flow. He has made short bread, done all the jobs I have asked without a murmur.

DH does back me up but will tell me privately if I was too strict which is fine with me. He has also started telling them how their behaviour affects me and to think about that rather than just telling them they are naughty or wrong.

DH has tomorrow and Friday off and then I am taking the kids away on my own Mon-Wed.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

To me it sounds like you have made a breakthrough .

[MissStrawberry]

But my other two children have to come back today. They used to be so close... I want them to learn to like each other, then love each other (as they say the others don't love them) and appreciate how lovely it is to have family. (sore point with me as I have none.)

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Can you rustle up a treat for them from DS1?

[MissStrawberry]

I suggested he tell them he made the short bread to show them he is sorry and does love them and he said okay. He then said that that would mean daddy would only get one piece and I wouldn't get any more (I have had a mouthful and happy for dd and ds2 to have the other pieces.). He then said he didn't really make it for them but for us. I have said okay but he does need to do something to show them he is sorry and loves them.

[MissStrawberry]

Turns out he miscounted and their are enough pieces for his siblings.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

That sounds a nice gesture. His heart is in the right place.

[MissStrawberry]

Only after I suggested it.

Been home not very long and he has already upset his sister....

[MissStrawberry]

Tonight we are camping out in our garden. They don't know yet. We are telling them we are going away and walking around the house to the garden.....

[grants1000]

Good thread, I have 11 yo DS who can be so demanding, relentless and unforgiving. (See MSG just posted).

After recent testing behaviour, I had thought in my mind that I was not going to take him to Ikea to get his new desk and stuff for when he starts secondary school on Sept, but after reading this post I think I will because it will give us chance to talk, just the two of us, no other siblings, to see if we can get to the bottom of this!