Another bra thread...she won't wear one

[foolonthehill]

My DD (11 Y6) is lovely, grown up, gentle, kind etc...and the first of several daughters

Anyway she point blank refuses to talk about "growing up" to acknowledge that this is and will happen and to even discuss the wearing of a bra.

I was brought up by a very prudish and self conscious mum who told me nothing about periods, growing up etc. fortunately I read lots and frequented the local library .

I was determined that my daughters and sons would not have to contend with this, so have been quite open and answered all their questions as well and age-appropriately as I can BUT DD1 absolutely refuses to go there..and has for many years.

She is now 5'5" and quite well developed. She is sporty and really could do with wearing a bra (Xcountry etc)..also i worry that she is going to start periods and try to cope on her own (as I did...not that she knows this). I really want to be there for her but she won;t let me...walks away, grumps and refuses.

anyone been here done that? What happened? Is there a magic formula to help her to come to me.

as an aside, as a family we have been though loads of rubbish with domestic abuse and we are fully able to talk through our feelings and issues around this. it's just growing up that is the problem. (and i think it is true that she does not want to)

[WestmorlandSausage]

what about a vest top that has the in built support in the chest area?

Like this one from ASDA

[foolonthehill]

yes, I thought that these looked good too...I have tried similar, I have bought crop tops too, sports bras...etc. She has worn them once or twice but has stopped again and blanks/strops if I mention anything...suggested proper pretty bras too...all same...refusal not just to wear but to engage

argh

[LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning]

Yes you do need to do something, I avoided and my mum didn't say anything, I ended up with very large and saggy boobs

[Startail]

If she's 5'5" in Y6 she is going to be very self conscious. That's way taller than DD2 is at 12 and probably taller than most of her class.

DD1 was probably 5'3" by the end of Y6 (ie just shorter than me).

However, grown up she looks she isn't going to feel it while many of her peers still look like little children.

I think all you can do is keep the lines of communication open and be there for her. Once she gets to secondary school growing up won't feel anything like so odd.

[fengirl1]

Dd1 was rather like this - I solved the period problem by waiting until we were in the car alone together and said matter-of-factly 'Right, tell me what you know about periods'. She opened up a bit and we had a chat. It then paved the way for her to ask for help if she needed it. Just make sure the journey will be long enough! If she clams up, you could say 'Well I would hate for you to start and not know what to do or what's going to happen' and then give her the basics. As for the bra issue, I agree with going with a crop top style one (there are now loads around now that claim to just need a clothes size) - just buy her a couple and give them to her, asking her to let you know if they're too big or small.

[WestmorlandSausage]

I remember being similar. I only started wearing anything because everyone else did and it was obvious when getting changed for PE and by that time it was Y8 and I was 13. I had nothing to fill a bra with anyway and it just seemed a bit pointless at the time.

If she doesn't want to talk about it right now she may still want to in the future as her friends also start to develop and things start to happen. She has made that decision for now, and knows you are happy to talk so I don't think you can feel guilty about leaving her to cope with it on her own like you had. You didn't have that choice, she does!

[tallulah]

My DD1 did the same. At the time she was desperate to be a boy :( She just would not engage, and you can't make her. She also didn't say anything when she started her periods and was making her own towels from cotton wool and plasters.

Things got much better when she went to secondary and had more supportive friends.

I'm hoping to enlist her help if I have the same problems with DD2.

[foolonthehill]

currently in her drawer she has 2 secret support vest tops, 5 crop tops in various styles and colours, 2 sports bras and a a non-wired "real" bra.

I would estimate she is going on for a B cup already.

although she is extremely tall for her age and literally towers above most Y6 she would by no means be the first to war a bra...though it is true that most of her closest friends are extreme skinnys with no need yet.

Will try the car discussion....

I am conscious that I may be over thinking this and feeling rejected (?!!) because I was so sure i would be able to be there for my girls. it really upsets me that she won't let me talk to her about this stuff. Equally i really want it to be about her, and not about me

[riponmum]

Have you got a friend who could talk too her about this, she might be more willing to talk to them? Also maybe they could explain you are worried / concerned that she won't talk too you and you want too make sure she knows she has someone she can talk too. Hope this helps

[foolonthehill]

That would be so good...and i am hoping in time that will come but we were massively isolated socially by the effect of DV so i am only just finding ways to meet people...shame grandma isn't an option!

[riponmum]

Does she go to guides or any other youth group ? There might be someone there who she could talk too or who could help you .

[Branleuse]

tell her that shes got boobs now and she needs a bra and that she will thank you later but she needs to start wearing one

[foolonthehill]

B...the light blue touch paper and retire approach....

[Dancergirl]

It could be she will feel more comfortable wearing one when she starts secondary. For some girls (myself included) there's something about having to wear a bra at primary school is a real wrench, even if she's not the only one.

They grow up A LOT in Year 7, plus she'll see a lot of her peer group wearing them so maybe she'll change her mind then..?

[VenusUprising]

I think you're doing fine.

Buy her a few of those support tops and leave it.

She's obviously afraid of something - being a woman, and being abused (guessing here, but you say she's been witness to dv)?

Maybe tweak the conversation to asking her about what she thinks about being an adult, and what kind of job she wants. What she wants for herself in her future, and laying plans to get there?

I'd lay off the physical development side of things for the moment.

[foolonthehill]

thanks, good pointers for me.

[Notmyidea]

I laid down the law with dd1 after seeing her tap class. She was noticably wobbling, (at age 10) and it was very much a case of being no nonsense and telling her that whatever anxieties she had about bra wearing she was setting herself up for discomfort and unwanted attention by avoiding it. It worked, the subsequent period chats were much smoother.

[titchy]

I'm fairly sure that a years worth of wobbly bra-less boobs does not a lifetime of misery and discomfort make.

Leave some panty liners in the bathroom or her bedroom, tell her (and your other dds if they're possibly old enough) they're there and leave her to it.

Once she's at secondary she'll be more than happy to wear a bra.

[Startail]

Honesty, not wearing a bra will do no harm.

Only you know your DD well enough to know if laying down the law would work. It does with my practical down to earth DD1 and is totally counter productive with DD2.

By the time she's at secondary, she'll be delighted not to be instantly flattened in the corridors and hopefully feel happier being tall and grown up.

[Takver]

if she doesn't want to wear a bra, does it matter? Yr 6 DD is also pretty well developed, and says she's more comfortable without (doesn't even like a crop-top).

It was a bit of an issue at school for a while as she was getting teased, but she chose to ride it out and challenge the teasers as to explain why it was so essential.

It must be said that I sometimes wear a crop top, sometimes nothing, and only a 'proper' bra with going-out clothes, so I guess I don't see it as particularly vital myself.

[darlingbudd]

There was a recent study that showed that bras actually make breast droopiness worse. I'll see if I can find it.

I'm another who will avoid wearing a bra if I can get away with it. I find them so uncomfortable.

[darlingbudd]

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/259073.php bras make breasts more saggy.

[DewDr0p]

OP I'm not sure I have any wise words to offer but I remember feeling exactly like this myself in Yr6. I was taller than all my friends and the only one with boobs and I hated it. I was completely embarrassed by the whole thing and wanted to pretend it wasn't happening.

I felt much better once it started happening to other friends too.

Could you initiate the conversation very gently and tell her that you sense she is upset with you about this and can you talk about it? Maybe she just needs to come to this in her own time?

[SorrelForbes]

There's a few interesting responses to this on some bra blogs. The study was done (IIRC) on very slim, athletic women with small boobs.

[scaevola]

I think her attitude towards bra wearing will change spontaneously when she goes to secondary school. Can you just leave is one? And save the car talk for other efforts to improve communication about puberty and periods?