Should I speak to my friend's DD about her behaviour towards my DD?

[muttonjeffmum]

I will try to keep this short and to the point because it is a bit long winded.

Me and my friend have DD's who both love to dance. Her DD is 12 and mine 11. They have always been friends and have spent a lot of time together. They go to 3 dance classes together and we share the driving. For the last 3 months the 2 girls no longer get on. The other girl says nasty things while they are dancing. Says that mine is doing it wrong and is in her space etc etc. It's all just little remarks but getting my DD down. So much so they she ended up crying on Tuesday and I had to go and speak to the ballet teacher the next day. The teacher has said she will talk to them again and she knows it is the other girl. She has said that if it happens again, they won't be able to do the show.

I texted my friend and asked her to speak to her DD to tell her all this and she hasn't bothered to reply. Basically, both girls need to move on from all of this and get on with their dancing. The other girl has a history of this kind of behaviour with another girl and I really think she doesn't know how hurtful she is being.

It is my turn to take them tonight. Should I pull this girl to one side and have a gentle chat? I want to make her realise it has to stop. I don't think her mum has bothered to talk to her. Her mum thinks it will sort itself out but I am not prepared to have my DD upset anymore.

What would you do?

[chocoluvva]

I would not talk to the other girl. She is likely to take out her annoyance on your DD all the more sneakily. Also, you don't know the whole story.

She's only 12 - she'll learn the consequences of being horrid eventually. On the other hand, your own DD won't learn how to cope with this sort of annoying behaviour if you wade in to the situation. She'll also get the message that this is a very big deal. She'd know you have her back too, which is a good thing, but you can support her by giving her strategies for discouraging the other girl without alienating her mother. It sounds like the other girl is jealous of your DD. Encourage your DD to feel sorry for her if you can - she doesn't sound like a very happy child. Try to find some humour in the situation if you can to help your DD realise that this situation is irritating, but need not assume too much importance in her life.



If

[lljkk]

I think your DD has to stand up for herself, she has to make it very clear to the mate to be more respectful. If the other girl doesn't get the message after that then I'd take it to the staff or make other provisions. The right way to handle it was going thru the other girl's mother, but obviously no joy.

Beware! A counter-accusation about how horrid your DD is maybe looming!

[chocoluvva]

I'd be more inclined to intervene if your DD was in the same class at school or with her for long/frequent periods of time.

[muttonjeffmum]

Thanks for your replies. I did speak to the other girl and I didn't allow for any discussion as such. I just said that it had to stop and that we had both missed her company and wanted it to be back to how it used to be. I said they have to do a lot of dancing together and that they have to get along. DD has come home from dancing and said it was OK. I will get DD to invite her over next weekend if everything goes OK in the week. I hate bad feeling and just want everyone to be happy.

I agree that the other girl might not be particularly happy generally and I do think she is jealous. She also has a lot of growing up to do. My DD is a lot taller than her and I think she gets fed up of people thinking she is the younger one. Bloody girls are hard work!

[chocoluvva]

Wow! It sounds like you managed to say exactly the right thing in a very nice, diplomatic way.

Next step, a diplomatic choice of words to keep her mum happy too...

[muttonjeffmum]

I think her mum will be OK. We have been friends since the day she was born - her sister is my best friend and I actually call her Sis. Her sister says she will take it from me. I am also her DD's godmother so she knows I have got her best interests at heart. Better it comes from me than some other angry mum or teacher.

I will keep you posted though - hopefully the peace will last!

[chocoluvva]

Ooh I hope so - children falling out with each other is so tiresome.