Hi. I'm new on here and although I had heard of MN I had made an assumption it was for parents with smaller children - thankfully a friend set me right.
I'm saying this with some trepidation - but for months I have been battling these feelings and I wonder if anyone also has felt it or can offer some reassurance.
I don't like my children, my husband or my life.
I know how that sounds and two years ago I would re-buffed anyone who said it, but just lately I have asking myself 'is this it?'
I keep wondering where the life I thought I would have has gone.
My children are rude, impatient and demanding (they are angels with other people) and I have only myself to blame.
I have been a stay at home mom for the last 13yrs something I deeply, deeply regret. I allowed myself to get sucked into a world that I thought I wanted - but find that I don't. I have always felt a slight unease at staying at home, to the point where I won't really ask for things (it's not my money after all) and concede most things. It also means I have given the children what they wanted.
I tried to discipline them at first but my H works away and it was a real battle - there was 3 years between them and for some reason I just couldn't hold my ground with a headstrong 3yr old whilst looking after a baby. And so, because of my laziness, they have no idea what the word 'no' means. I do know that I have only myself to blame - which adds to my frustration.
My eldest son is 13 (just turned) and still refuses to get the bus to school telling me that driving him is what I'm 'Paid to do'. He says it with a sneer and a part of concedes because it's true. What have I done?
But I find that I'm close to breaking and constantly questioning myself.
I wake up every day with a voice in my head asking myself 'is this what my life is' I feel as if I'm occupying a space in the world that would fold in on itself and not notice the difference if I was to vanish.
I am just a cleaner a cook, a taxi service, a maid, a bell-boy, there is nothing else happening in my life.
My H is often away, we still have sex and that's what it is, there is no passion, no lust, just a quick morning fumble (usually on Mondays before he works away) and i can set my watch by it. We have very little to discuss - other than the children, decorating and his job (sometimes the cat does something amusing so thank God for him!)
I have battled for months trying to switch my own voice off but I feel so empty.
I do love my children dearly, but I find that I have created rude demanding monsters, who have no respect for me and the elder on is showing signs of his fathers arrogance and speaks down to me and often says that his life is more exciting than his. But his words are true - I have accomplished nothing.
My friend has said that I might be feeling early in-set 'empty-nest' in that at 13 and 10 the boys no longer need me as much.
This is the life I thought I wanted; husband, nice house, 2 children (and a cat!), but I don't it and I hate myself for saying so.
My husband is well know in his circle of work and I feel like an invisible anchor that supported him through promotion after promotion - and I have nothing of 'me'.
Oh blimey what a moan - I'm going to hit the 'send' button in case I chicken out.
I am open to all comments and I'm sure I'm just being a spoilt 'shame for me' fool, but I hate waking in the morning because I feel so useless.
Thanks for reading this far,
C x
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This isn't the life I thought it would be
14 replies
ChloeR32 · 22/04/2013 16:55
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