DS's friend has just called to say 'DS is here, can he stay for tea?'

[JandT]

Am I being silly to think that DS (aged 11, year 7) should have called and asked rather than going straight to his friends house and getting his friend to call?!

His friend lives 20 minutes walk away and popping to our house on the walk home would have taken him an extra 5 minutes on the way. He doesn't have a mobile, one of the reasons I'm not keen on teen/tweenagers having them is because they use them to manipulate their parents ie. the phone call saying can I stay out and you feel you have to say yes.

Should I tell him that next time he stops by on his way/that he should be the one calling/that he shouldn't go there and then ask? I have no issue with him being there (his friend is lovely and I know he's safe/happy there), plus we have encouraged him to socialise outside of school, just feel this is the wrong way to approach it...

Opinons please?

[PlentyOfPubeGardens]

I'd ask to speak to the friend's parent. Are you sure they're at the friend's house and not somewhere else entirely? Can you phone back?

I never minded my two going to a friend's house straight from school but if they were staying for tea or a sleepover, I always insisted on OKing it with the parents. Apparently I was the last in DS's group of friends to still do this as he grew older and it was very embarrassing for him

[JandT]

Yes I know he's there (he nor friend can lie plus their number came up). The Mum is excellent and I imagine made him call me as she's the kind of parent who checks if it's okay for them to 'go out' if they're at her house.

Just frustrating as I don't think it's (for want of a better phrase) 'good practice'...

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I would ring the Mum and say 'are you sure you want him, if so then he can stay'.

And then I would say to him that he needs to make his own phone calls in future. But I don't have a problem with the principal of him going elsewhere and then ringing - unless of course you have plans that this will interfere with.

[JandT]

I know the Mum won't mind as she's always saying to 'chuck him down here if you get bored of him or want some peace' (as I say, she's a cool Mum who regularly has lots of children running around!) and I know they don't do anything tonight.

I think I will explain he needs to make the phone call rather than his friend. We don't have plans but DH and I are out later and so I have said he needs to be home at the same time we go out as otherwise my parents will have to worry about where he is...

[JandT]

The Mum just called to say 'So DS is here, I've got enough food to feed him, there's a 30 minute gap when they'll be home alone is that okay'. Will definitely tell him that he must check in advance (his friend could have contacted his Mum before arriving) next time....

[Potterer]

Personally I think things should be arranged not just turn up at someone's house.

It also lays you open to it happening at yours.

I think at 12 he should have a mobile & of course you can say no. It's easy, you just open your mouth & say it. Parenting isn't about making the child feel good all the time & it certainly doesn't make us feel good all the time.

I have slightly younger boys who both ask me in front of other parents if X child can come for tea. I always say we can arrange that, I'll sort it either the parent who picks up.

It would be very hard for a parent to say no to their child if the friend is already at the house.

[Potterer]

Not either but with, damn phone. I'd sort it with the parent who picks up.