10 nearly 11 yo DS - temper & moods

[grants1000]

He flies off the handle at the slightest thing, in fact a bit like a toddler, he won't listen, he takes ages to calm down, he freaks basically. I am on here now as he is flipping his lid about getting ready for Scouts as he does not want to go as he's now had enough time on his X-Box, which we agree he can go on after homework and tea. I did not get any Cheerios either today as I for got and freak central, shouting, slamming doors. You can't reason, talk or do anything with him. Everything is so unfair/not correct etc etc When he is punished eg:P taking away x-box or ipod he will go on and and on about it, won't shut up about it, keeps on pecking in me and DH, I had to leave the house on Sunday as I was going to go insane.

What is this? The beginning of puberty? What can we do?

[footballsgalore]

I think you may have my 10 yr old DS at your house! Exactly the same going on here. Toddler stops about screen time. Flying off the handle at random things. Crying and being totally unreasonable. Am going to rename him Kevin! Hopefully it's not a new personality trait or im leaving!

I have been putting it down to hormones. Am watching this thread for ideas!

[SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots]

I have one of these too.
He is 11.
I've no helpful ideas though, but will watch with interest.

[grants1000]

Hoooray not just me! Besides all the crazyness, I really want to know about hormones and boys and how to handle them and him, the whole shebang! Is there a book someone can suggest besides that boring Bring Up Boys one. And no one should dare say 'boys are like dogs they need to run and be outside" No shit Sherlock!! I hate it when people say that to me like it's the only answer.

[footballsgalore]

I have found that staying as calm as possible helps. However, i haven't found out how to actually do the calm bit whilst being shouted at! We often get into 'heated discussions' that go round in circles.

[Aboleyn]

I identify totally, thought it was getting worse with my just 11 year old because of stress of 11+ exams, but they have finished now and it's still happening. He's small for his age so it can't be teen hormones kicking in - can it? I remember terrible twos lasted for years in our house...

[footballsgalore]

I am thinking the stress of the upcoming change to secondary school could be involved. I also think that in year 6 they are at the top of the school so can get a bit of 'top dog' attitude.

Grants - i haven't found any books but did Google and found puberty can start from 10!

Am trying to not get embroiled in arguments as the more i try to reason with him the worse it gets. He has an answer for everything (or thinks he has!)

I worry that this could be setting the scene for the next few years as he hits puberty proper. Not sure i can hack this for the next 3/4/5 years :-(

[Sparklingbrook]

Signing in. DS2 was 11 just after Christmas, and is just like you describe. He also tries to control everything all the time. Everything is 'no' from getting ready for football to teeth cleaning and going to bed.

I don't remember DS1 being this bad but he definitely did a bit of it. He's 13 now and he is grumpy and defiant in a slightly more mature way.

[Startail]

I don't know about DSs, but with stroppy 9-11yo DDs two things help.

Don't enter in to any discussion when in a mood, send them to their room until they calm down.

And the opportunity to feel grown up.
Independence and being able to do things with their friends and a say in family days out etc.

Really little things like KFC rather than Macdonalds. A hour in town with a friend on their own or going swimming. Staying home while I taxi her sister about or getting to bake.

Y5 and Y6 are stressful, DCs aren't grown up enough for real freedom, but they are leaving toys and childish things behind. The want to be grown up and they want love and hugs and security too.

They want more control over their lives than they can have or actually want. They focus their frustrations not on big things, they know they can't control those, but stupid little things they feel they can. Trouble is the choice of things to get totally annoyed about is, to everyone else, totally illogical.

[Sparklingbrook]

Startail what a lovely post, I think they are wise words. It's true that 11 years old is a bit in limbo.

[spudmasher]

I totally agree with Startail. I have started sending DD into the cinema with a friend and letting them get on with it. Short trips to the town with a focus eg. New socks was the last thing.
Making lunch for the family.
Agree with not attempting to communicate when the mood has hit. Shutdown!
The problem comes when something has to happen eg the scout thing on Sunday. With DD it has been homework. I have let ir crash and burn a couple of times and she has learned to become more independent by feeling the consequences herself- she has always been an experiential learner!
I also try not to lower myself to her level by shouting and screaming- I always feel bad afterwards.

[Sparklingbrook]

spud, more wise words. It's so easy to descend to an 11 year old yourself. I have done it. DS2 definitely drags his heels in order to whip everyone up into a frenzy. He really knows which of DH's buttons to press. Definitely shutdown when it's past the point of no return. It's all v wearing.

[footballsgalore]

Star and spud - Will definitely try the independence thing. DS doesn't really do town or staying home alone so will maybe initiate a bit of that.

One thing though. He is much worse with me than DH. Is this usual? Maybe it's because our flashpoints are the things i mainly sort out. Ie getting ready in the mornings.

[Startail]

I think they let off steam with which ever parent they see most of in a suitable situation. I always get massive relaxing after school moans and grumpy behaviour because she feels she can drop her guard. She is an absolute angel at school.

DH tends to get pleasant behaviour in a morning because DD2 and him both hate being late.

I was the opposite I was vile at school, found our huge mixed ability class very frustrating. I was better at home where there was lots of love and hugs but very firm boundaries.

Also from passing my cycling proficiency I was allowed to cycle to town and beyond, both on my own and with my BF. I think even at that age that I knew my Dad worried about me and it was a freedom I really valued.

[Startail]

And yes some times it was a very useful freedom, I've cycled miles letting off steam from school and after blazing rows with my dad.

I can't remember having words as a teen, but between 9 and 11 we did.

[bickie]

OP - snap. My 11 DS behaving exactly the same. depressing as he was always my incredibly zen easy one. I had a long chat to him last night and he said he is very scared about leaving his school (small and very sweet). Doing 11+ exams in big London secondary schools freaked him out. He doesn't want to be a teenager, but does want to be treated differently to younger siblings. So I guess all the things you'd expect but come as a surprise when so out of character. I think it is hormones starting to kick in (runs for bottle of gin a finds somewhere to hide for next 7 years)

[Sparklingbrook]

Ds2 (11) is at Middle School and doesn't go up to High School until Year 8 so can't blame that.

[footballsgalore]

Does anyone else get the 'attitude'. It's not so much what he says but how he says it. The 'kevin' tone of voice. Over very small issues.
Sooo rude!

[Sparklingbrook]

Oh yes lots of attitude and misguided sense of entitlement. He would be a hoot on MN.

[footballsgalore]

Lol at misguided sense of entitlement! Spot on in both cases!

So glad to hear it's not just mine. Was starting to wonder where it had all gone wrong. He was such a sweet 9yr old ;-)

[Sparklingbrook]

Same here football. It's a bit of a shock isn't it. The defiance is the hardest. You can't pick them up and plonk them in the car any more.

[DollyTwat]

So glad to have found this thread!
I have an 11 year old who is so lovely one minute, then a raging monster the next. Usually over stuff he already know the answer is NO to
He's never been easy but recently it's being 'manly' seems to have taken over.

[footballsgalore]

Right we have had a chat whilst he had a 'calm' period. Basically reminding of the ground rules for the flashpoints. Ie bedtime and the reasons why he can't demand a snack/extra xbox at 9pm when i say it's bedtime. He was very reasonable and agreeable (that 9 yr old is back temporarily!)
Will see what happens when he actually has to stick to the routine we have agreed.

Dolly -mine also sometimes seems keen to 'pick a fight' over things he knows are banned. Almost as if he can't help himself. Weird seeing as it always ends up badly.

[grants1000]

Fantastic replies, especially Startail, made me cry as it makes so much sense and rings so many bells (madee pop upstairs to kiss aforementioned 10 yo DS on his sleeping head) you have also made me realise I am too controlling with him and I need to back off eg: he did a scout hike last weekend and I fretted the whole time instead if thinking he was actually enjoying it, which he did and he was super happy about it!

[Startail]

Oh you never stop worrying my DD is almost 15 and we fretted yesterday when she didn't text from the train. She's very sensible, but not great at mobiles.

My DDad still needs a phone call at midnight to say we're home safe after visiting. I'm 45, I left home at 18, still he worries.

[Startail]

Should say DD1, DD2 is 11.

Big girl is insanely easy, was born with sense beneath her sometimes very dizzy dyslexic exterior. She got given freedom without really noticing because I knew she wouldn't panic if it actually mattered.

DD2 is outwardly far more the normal proto teen and actually less secure, much more reliant on friends and way more likely to get in a tizz.