Girls - is 11/12 a bad time for friendships?

[Madmog]

Just wondering if 11/12 is a bad time for friendships, I guess partly due to the onset of puberty and some feeling sensitive? Or is it something that continues into teenage years? My daughter started comp in September and we were pleased to find she had four lovely friends in her group but things have changed.

For anyone who wants to read, in July and Sept my daughter got caught up between A & B, the result is B no longer talks to either girl. In December my daughter had a massive fall out with A over joint homework (A cancelled 7 times on two joint projects, so daughter said she would do it by herself with tutors agreement). It got really nasty and A got A, C and D involved as well as other girls. If it had continued would have been reported to school as it amounted to bullying and was threatening.

Last week A and C fell out with D - my daughter just about managed to keep out of this one. She said the week before A wanted C to herself and would get rid of D from the group. Now A and C are putting pressure on my daughter to walk with them and not D. My daughter choose to walk to D this morning as D has supported her on all of the above with the risk of losing friends and my daughter appreciates that.

It seems to be A who is initiating all the fallouts and instinct tells me maybe it would be best if my daughter wasn't her friends any more, but obviously there are others involved. What fun!

[Rotkehlchen]

You have my sympathy. My dd is in yr 7 too. I am fed up with hearing about the prima donnas in her class who just seem to go around making everyone else's lives a misery. 12 year old girls can be horrid!

[Bunbaker]

Joint homework is evil. I speak from experience. I told one of DD's "friends" off for messing her about over doing the homework (the "friend" turned up at 5pm the day before it was due after being given a week to do it). The "friend" hates being told off and the backlash and bullying that has resulted from this has been awful. Luckily the school were very supportive and dealt with the bully straight away.

[ripsishere]

I wish I knew the answer. My 11.8 DD is having an awful time at school due to exclusion by other people.
She is the only European child at her school so sticks out like a sore thumb. Four girls have been making it their mission to isolate and alienate her.
I only found out about it last night, so sent an email this morning to her form tutor.
It is so hard to see her breaking her heart over these four madams.

[rockinhippy]

Gawd Yes, but IME you are lucky to last to 12 without it - amongst DDs crowd it started at 9 (yr 4) & just keeps on getting worse - same thing, one poisonous "whisperer" stirring it all up & it just goes round & round - I had hoped to get a few more years in before it started though

[weegiemum]

Funny enough, my dd1 (she'll be 13 in 2 weeks but in first yR at high school - Scottish timings are different!) had a ghastly time at primary but now in high school has a brilliant stable group of friends (3 of them, they've been friends since p2/3).

But they actively shun what my dd calls "the popular girls". My dds friends are into art, live (local) music, guides etc. "popular" girls went shopping in London for birthdays (we live in Glasgow!!). I love my dds independence!! She's awesome!

[rockinhippy]

weegie you've just made my day :)

Thats exactly the way I see my own DD going too, she hates all the back biting & bitching & already tries to keep well out of it, even though it has meant her being completely ostracised at one point - she stuck to her guns, but she was really heartbroken :( so I was dreading yr7 upwards as its been bad enough already - that is very reassuring to read - thanks :)

[Lollybrolly]

Well I have to say year 9 - 13 to 14yos - makes the 11 and 12yo dramas loook like a pic nic.

Its like a living hell atm. By yr 9 they all seem to have lost confidence and act like moronic sheep, totally incapable of thinking for themselves. Queen Bee says jump the rest say "how high".

Nice on their own but in their little cliques - total biatches!!

Am at my wits end.

[Bunbaker]

The Queen bitch Bee at DD's school has picked off her friends one by one and now DD feels excluded by most of the class. Thankfully she has made a new group of friends outside of her class, and her learning mentor has assured me that DD and QB will be in different classes in year 9. The learning mentor knows exactly what QB is like and has told me that if she has another big talk with QB it will make her behave even more badly towards DD.

QB is a very plausible liar and hates not being the centre of attention. I think she was jealous that DD initially DD made more new friends than she did and is now getting back at her. It breaks my heart to see the "baddie" win at the expense of DD's happiness.

[Lollybrolly]

Bunbaker - it is very hard to stand back and not get involved it kills me too the way these two faced cows carry on.

[Dancergirl]

Just a point about name-calling - these 'cows' and 'bitches' are in fact still children starting out in life and learning the ways of the world. Yes, their behaviour isn't pleasant....but can you honestly say you weren't ever mean to anyone whilst you were growing up? And you still turned into a decent human being?

And I speak as a mum of a so-called unpopular/uncool dd, who has also been victim to nasty behaviour over the years.

[Bunbaker]

"but can you honestly say you weren't ever mean to anyone whilst you were growing up?"

Not to the extent that the bully is behaving about DD. She tells lies about DD, OH and me. She has sabotaged every friendship bar one in DD's class, she displays very narcissistic behaviour, sulks when she isn't the centre of attention and is very manipulative and controlling. It was the school that told me that this bully is very controlling. I was amazed at how much the learning mentor understood the problem and knows exactly what the bully is like.

[Theas18]

Yup! Bitchy back bitting and rearranging friendships/pecking order all the time.

Both my girls (ESP dd2) seem to have seen to have spent several years being outsiders in all the groups because they just don't function this way/are more mature. Eldest have a few close friends and no enemies add she has a very Luna lovegood head in the clouds nature really. Youngest isn't so able to ignore it all and is more fed up at times (though gets the "sunshine award" at school regularly and apparently gets on well with the whole class is you ask the teacher! Didn't explain why birthday invites are almost un heard of and meet UPS non existent! ).

When you ask her it's not that she doesn't like the other girls but she can't do with the sniping/ not taking work seriously etc (why do they set shared tasks? )

[Theas18]

Just e red the rest oh the thread. Dd2 is year 9. Yup it's the worst! Queen bee says jump and dd2 says "no thanks" smiles and wanders off though!

[Bunbaker]

Queen Bee is nasty to DD because DD ignores her. QB has no power over DD any more, but she has over the rest of the class. The school has promised me that they will separate them in year 9.

[NewFerry]

But what is the answer? It seems in bunbakers case that the school know who is responsible, agree that she is controlling and manipulative, and then say, oh but if we say anything it will make it worse!

(Coming from a mum with dd in Y7 & already seeing some of this type of behaviour happening)

[maresedotes]

Oh no, I thought it got better in secondary school. DD1 is 11 and in year 6, the girls in her class are always arguing, falling out etc and have been since year 5. I think last year it was a combination of puberty and 11+ pressure but it hasn't improved much this year.

[Chubfuddler]

Year 7 and 8 are awful. It gets better from year nine

[maresedotes]

In DD1's school the teacher knows who the bully is but told my dd that she "had to stand up for herself". She knows this but struggles to do it. The teacher said the bully is "very forthright" and doesn't mean to upset. Parents evening is coming up so I'm looking forward to discussing his views with him. There is an element of victim blaming and bully denial. Can't wait for dd to leave in 6 months.

[Follyfoot]

Its a bumpy ride...and in my experience it didnt settle down until what us old gimmers would call upper 6th. Only advice would be to leave them to sort it out among themselves as much as possible (unless its proper bullying of course). Oh and dont get too involved in the she said/I said stuff, it becomes quite exhausting and they will end up being friends again after a couple of weeks anyway.

I do think we all have to be a bit realistic about our teenage girls and remember that we only ever hear one side. Its very tempting to think of our daughters as the innocents, whilst the other 'bitchy' girls in the class are dishing all the nastiness out. The reality may well be a bit greyer and our perfect girls might not be behaving exactly as we would hope. You dont come across many mothers who would ever think 'oh yes, my DD is nasty to some of the other girls in her class' but there are plenty of girls in every class who are regularly mean to each other and they must have mothers (who think they are nice girls) too.

[Bunbaker]

"and they will end up being friends again after a couple of weeks anyway."

Follyfoot I find your post very unhelpful. That isn't going to happen in DD's case. This nastiness has been going on for nearly a year. I have had the whole story from the learning mentor and she recognises that the bully is a problem and has taken steps to separate them in year 9.

[Follyfoot]

Why did you think my post was directed specifically to you? I was talking about teenage friendship issues generally as were many of the other posters. Presumably you missed my comment in brackets.

[fridayfreedom]

Don't see why the school dowsn't have the big talk with QB again. Just have it every time she steps out of line with DD, call in her parents each time, put her in detention, give essays to write on the effects of bullying on victims .....she'll soon get the message!!
DS has been bullied lots , thankfully seems to have stopped now but each time I went in and demanded action.

[Bunbaker]

"Don't see why the school dowsn't have the big talk with QB again"

I agree. I am waiting for her to step out of line again and will ask the mentor to do something next time. I think it says a lot about the bully that the mentor recognises her exactly for what she is.

[NewFerry]

Unfortunately though it doesn't say much for the mentor that knowing this her answer is to do nothing.