Newbie...Need advice with stressed out daughter

[Cakestreatmum]

Hi Everyone. This Preteens looks great. Just thought i'd ask for advide really. My 10 year old is having trouble controlling her temper when she gets too stressed out. Last night she was having a strop and threw her remote control on her Loft bed and it hit her TV by mistake (did not go down well I can tell you). She just got herself into a aweful rage. Has anyone got any tips on how to calm her down? She said afterwards "I don't know how to calm myself down, I've got anger problems, what can I do to calm myself". Anhy advice would help pleeeeeeese x

[aurorastargazer]

hello I'm a newbie to preteens thread too (not mn though). my dd is 7, nearly 8. i don't have any advice for you but i didn't want your thread to go unanswered. i'm sure that someone on mn will be along soon

[DeadTall]

Hi cakes...

My 11yr old DD strops and storms off to her room occasionally, but no chucking TV remotes yet.

She's talked to me about how confused she is that she feels so cross sometimes, and she doesn't know why. She says she hates it. We've talked about hormones and 'growing up', and about coping strategies for me and her. She knows she can chuck soft things about, shout a bit, pummel her pillow... I know that I need to wait for her to be ready for comfort / chat / cup of tea.

So now I generally leave her to get on with the strop, put my head round her door when its quiet to see if she's ready to talk, & offer a hug if she seems to need it. Just by letting her I'm there for her when she's calmed down has helped I think.

Good luck

[ripsishere]

IMO, it's the hormones. My 11 YO DD is a bundle of anger a lot of the time. She has said to me she can't control it and wants anger management. I've no idea how to go about that, or even where she'd get it from.
What I tend to do is let her rant and rave and throw things (only hers). She generally calms down after about 10 minutes and is sweetness and light again.
I am watching for more tips.

[aurorastargazer]

ripsishere - could you ask doc or local citizens advice bureau? ((((hugs))))

[ItsRainingOutside]

It's just a normal part of growing up I'm afraid. When she goes into a strop, just leave her to get on with it and don't be judgmental. Ask her if she needs to talk afterwards but she will grow out of it (by the time she's 18 )

[Startail]

I'm guessing your DDs are Y5-Y6?
It may be hormones, but it is also frustration at neither being a little child or a teen.

I've found that a bit of control over their lives and a bit of freedom works wonders.

Doesn't have to be much. Choosing dinner, a day trip in half term, a bit of leeway on bedtime or lights out. Leaving them for 30 minutes while you take a sibling to piano.

Let them go swimming or to the cinema with a friend and no grown up. An hour on the high street or a safeish shopping centre.

I passed my cycling proficiency at 10 and was allowed to cycle to the village on my own.

My DDs walk to the sweet shop more often than they cycle, but the same idea.

Good schools give Y6's jobs and reception DCs to buddy. The teachers let them have a bit of slack, but wind them in if they abuse it.

However, even great teachers are constrained by SATs causing stress and reducing choice and variety.

Parents need to step lightly, nag for school work only if essential.

Home needs to be a balance of grown up responsibilities, hugs and childish games.

It's not always easy, but I think 8-11 year olds are, perhaps the nicest age DCs of all.

Not that DD1 isn't a lovely 14 yo.