Would this reward system work for 9yo DD?

[partystress]

DD being a nightmare most evenings, and increasingly mornings too. Toddler type tantrums about hair brushing, wrong coat, not sleeping in unsuitable clothes, yet another pre-bed drink/snack etc etc etc ad bloody infinitum. I think her periods will start before she is 10, as she has been hairy and BO-y for over a year now, and staring to get beginnings of breast development.

We have tried sticker charts with trips to McDs (her choice) as reward. Stickers to earn an hour of favourite TV progs. Withdrawal of planned sleepover as a punishment. Threats of calling teachers (she is an angel at school and adores her teacher). None of these have really worked. She plays the system and then gives us a mega bad night as if to say nah-nah-na-na-na.

It is really affecting all of us - DH has gone to bed tonight with a migraine, DS (12) in tears of frustration with her, and me constantly shattered and on the verge of tears at work when I think about her.

We have planned a room swap at home and she is due to move into a bigger bedroom and has clear ideas of how she wants it, including high level bed, glitter ball, particular carpet etc. would appreciate thoughts on whether requiring her to 'earn' each stage of redecoration/furnishing might work in getting better behaviour over the longer term. Eg a week of good bedtimes = we go and buy the paint. One more week = get the decorator in. Another week gets the carpet and so on. Feasible for us to do? Achievable for her? Tips for making it work?

[NorksAreTinselly]

What is her actual problem at bedtime? Is she like this at any other time of day? What is she like generally?

[partystress]

Refusing to do anything to do with going to bed - go upstairs, brush teeth, brush hair, get into PJs. Trashing big brother's room, constantly disturbing him when he is in bed, trashing our room if in a real strop, coming downstairs for drink of water and taking chocolate or biscuits back upstairs and hiding it. Lots of door slamming, to the point that two doors no longer stay shut.

Not just bedtime, though that is when it is worst. Grumpy in the mornings, often refuses breakfast, won't wear warm coat. Picks fights with DS it seems on a half hourly basis at weekends. Just had meltdown this afternoon because she can't have a phone and all her friends do (allegedly). The tantrums involve actual lying on the floor, waggling legs, screaming, wailing. It is all soooooo wearing and I have got to the point where I take no pleasure from things we do as a family because we are all on eggshells and just waiting for the next tantrum.

But, she is perfectly well behaved at school and out of school clubs. Is lovely company when she is in a good mood. Has friends, though she does sometimes seem a bit out of sync with them, like she is a stage ahead/on a different wavelength. I am sure a lot of the crap is hormonal, but actually it has been going on a good two years now and is getting worse. Not sure why I'm posting really, because I know there is no easy answer, maybe just hoping a fairy godmother is lurking....