9 year old daughter's friendship problems help!

[suzanski]

Hi everyone. This is my first post, so please be gentle My daughter has always been a bit "different" - I think this could be down to her having a serious neurological condition in her nursery years, and missing out on that crucial socialisation time. I do think that now she has improved, and seems to be able to get on with her peers OK.

However, her school class is rather peculiar, with 21 boys and only half that number of girls, leaving a small friendship pool. The girls are cliquey, and my girl is in a loose group with maybe 5 others. I thought I was good friends with a couple of the mums of the girls in her group, but I'm beginning to doubt that now.

I called my "friend" one day when I overheard her daughter be really mean to mine, and she said she felt that her daughter didn't really like mine, and was "neutral" towards her. I had thought they were friends, and she has been at my house to play, I have babysat for her, and we have spent time together at weekends- I am gutted, and as you can imagine am feeling "neutral" if not "negative" towards the mum!

Another of her friends, whose mum I get on with OK, seems to be cooling off towards her too (and being more friendly with the girl above...) and when I asked if she would like to go to an event with us, her mum said to leave it as she didn't think the girls were getting on that well. I am Gobsmacked that someone would actually write that down, as I try very hard to treat people well, but it raises the question about my daugyter's friendship with this girl too.

This leaves her with hardly any friendship opportunities in the class, apart from a very disruptive girl from a troubled background and one girl who is nice and loyal too (although friendly with girl B above).

My question for you is....do these mums think that my daughter is not a suitable playmate for their girls? Or do they not like ME, and are trying to hurt my feelings? What should I do?

My daughter says she still plays with girl B every day, but she is sick of me asking questions about friends, and I get the feeling she's not telling me everything. She is at the childminder with girl A once a week, but they didn't play together yesterday.

I don't know how to help my daughter, if there is a real problem with her getting on with the girls at school.Please don't suggest I talk to her teacher, because she doesn't get involved in issues like this - she is a great teacher, but has made this clear. My daughter doesn't seem to lack confidence, but perhaps I should be thinking about building her up?

Wit's end with this -just feel like moving away somewhere else where she can make new friends without all this hassle. And me too

[Notmyidea]

I suspect there is something in your daughter's behaviour that the other girls are finding hard work. Have you tried asking the teacher what that might be? (different from "can you make A and B be friends with dd?" and be prepared for an answer you may not like, but will give you somewhere to start?
Does your dd mix with other girls outside of school?

[lljkk]

Friendships at this age are notoriously volatile (DD now in y6). The odds are the girls will make up & be best buds again or there will be sudden transformations of social circle configuration in blink of an eye.

As a rule, the less you get involved the better. If you think you've been friendly with the mums, I would ask the mums if there's anything specific your DD has done to fall out with the other girls. And only act on that information if it's very concrete and specific. But otherwise, try to stay out of it.

If your DD isn't unhappy about her social life & can point to at least one good friend, she's doing better than many.

[lljkk]

ps: view as separate your friendships with the mums from your DD's friendship with their DDs. Best for all.

[nortonmumoftwo]

Hi suzanski

Really feel for you and I know so how you feel!

I've got 2 DD's - they're good kids and we have a close relationship - HOWEVER - problems have been extremely strained over the last year with friendship groups/friends who are neighbours - concerning both DD's.

My DD's have had it all - kiddish threats, nasty texts, school problems and all that sort of thing. Really all minor 'she said that/she did that first' stuff. Sometimes my DD's at fault - sometimes not - but always me who gets her ear bent after the 'fall out'! It winds me up as there's nothing you can do you can't even get to the bottom of the problem and most of the time the two enemies are friends again the next day! aarrgghh!

So after talking to friends and DH I have decided to take a back seat and let them get on with it. I still listen to their grips and whines and say the right things and sympathise but leave it at that.

I will only get involved if it reaches a level that requires an adult to intervene. A couple of times this has happened and I have had to block people on FB or block their numbers on their phones. I only speak to the other parent very rarely as most parents believe that 'X wouldn't do that it's your child that's at fault!'

Teachers probably feel its unsortable. They would never have time to teach if they tried to sort out all playground spats! Often you just get 'tea and sympathy'.

All you can do is empower your child to be a pleasant and kind person and leave playground disagreements in the playground. Your DD will find her own way in the world.

I have had to do this as I found myself sometimes in the playground and acting like a 11 year old! I had to have a word with myself and remember I am an adult!

Best of luck