'but all my friends are allowed!!!'

[freddiefrog]

I'm fed up with hearing this on a daily basis, but I have noticed that some of her friends are allowed to do this stuff, so I'm beginning to wonder if I'm being really strict and need to lighten up a bit.

DD1 is 11, in year 6 at primary.

Top of the whinge list is that I won't allow her to dip-dye her hair. I did wonder about getting her a wash in/wash out dye and letting her do it over the Christmas holidays as a bit of a compromise, but I can't say I'm all that keen.

Getting the bus into town - we live in a bit of a back water, so I'm fairly happy for her to mooch around with her mates/go to the cinema if I'm in town myself, but not go in on her own. With the cinema, I drop her off, have a coffee in the foyer area, then pick her up after, or if she wants to go to McDonald's I'll drop her off, go for a coffee/do what I have to do, then pick her up. She says everyone else goes in on the bus on their own and I'm embarrassing her

Make up - I allow clear/pale coloured nail varnish, lip gloss, that sort of thing, her friends wear proper make up (eye shadow, foundation, mascara)

Ear piercing - I've agreed that she can have it done when she can show me she's responsible for the aftercare, I don't think she is yet

Jewellery - she has a few surfer-dude leather friendship bracelets/thong necklace type of bits, which I absolutely won't let her wear to school. 'but everyone else does'

She is allowed out within a certain radius of our house, she knocks for her friends, walks to and from school and has a fair amount of freedom

Now, my parents would never let me do anything, I was never allowed out with friends, or sleepovers, and I really don't want that for my girls. I think they need some freedom.

She's always stuck with any boundaries we've set for her, always home on time, doesn't take the piss (yet) and i trust her to behave, so maybe I should cut her some slack with some of this stuff. I don't want to mark her out as different from her friends by not allowing this stuff, but I'm not entirely comfortable with it.

She's my eldest and I feel like I'm feeling around in the dark a bit

So, what would you do?

[lljkk]

"Just because other parents do stupid things doesn't mean I have to".

"I don't care what other parents allow, this is what I allow."

"Not my problem what they get up to, this is what you're allowed to do."

Dip dye hair sounds cool, I'd allow that as long as no objections from school.

I promise (almost) no other y6 girl really goes into town on bus all on their own, although maybe with a mate & a mobile phone. Would you allow those?

We live in a sleep corner of a sleepy town in a sleepy county & DD is the only y6 we know allowed to go to the swimming pool & back on her own (all of 2/3 mile away). People don't lock their bicycles up around here, much less their cars or houses half the time. I wonder how slack the other parents think I'm being?!

[Hulababy]

DD is in Y6, she's 10y but some of her friends are 11y.

Getting the bus into town - no, none of DD's friends do this

Cinema/McDonalds - never left DD on her own without an adult as yet; her friends are the same. However thing your compromise seems fine with a bunch of sensible 11yo.

Make up - I allow nail polish (any colour) and lip gloss for holidays. Parties - a bit of lip stick and she can use a little bit of sparkly eye shadow. Def nothing for day to day/school.

Ear piercing - have said she can have them done in the summer holidays between primary and secondary ; then she has full 6 weeks to get used to them and to be able to remove them at school for PE, etc. None of DD's classmates have pierced ears and most have similar agreement re next summer.

Jewellery - no jewelery allowed at DD's school at all; wouldn't allow it even if she was. Nothing more than a watch for school

[overtheseatocalais]

I hear this constantly too... I am a bit that all the other girls are allowed the endless list of clothing/jewellery/haircare products/trips/holidays, but it has also made me question if I'm too strict (& old fashioned maybe?) I am quite firm on some things, but think I maybe should lighten up a bit on others... it's really hard.

[Musomathsci]

Stick to what feels right for your family. Friends will be saying all the same things to their parents. Don't be pushed into doing things you are not comfortable with, but maybe choose a few issues that you can concede and use these as bargaining chips.

[freddiefrog]

Lol, I've been repeating those phrases until I'm blue in the face. Mostly it's 'it's up to X's mum what X does, it's up to me what you do', but having been there myself with my parents, I don't want her to be the only one not doing this stuff if you see what I mean.

A lot of her friends do get the bus into town on their own, they all go together and meet DD at the cinema, I guess a group of them wouldn't be so bad

The dip-dye, I've always been really against it, but I suppose it's her hair. I thought maybe a wash in/wash out one that she could do over the holidays, then it would be gone by the time she goes back to school.

Thanks

[brightermornings]

It's a difficult age my dd is 10 she is 11 at the end of the month. I've just started letting her go to our local tesco express which is a 15 min walk away she usually goes on her bike.
It was awful waiting for her to come back!!

She walks to school when she wants to an on a Friday walks home instead of going to after school club, ds is home from college to let her in.
I wouldn't let her go to town on the bus alone or with friends not a chance.
She's not interested in having her ears done an is a bit of a tomboy.
You do know aswell all there friends get a million pounds pocket money every 5 seconds!!

[overthehill]

I think it's important to prepare them for secondary school gradually and it may be that she will need to get the bus on her own then, so it's good to get some practice. Could you take her in on the bus the first time, possibly letting her buy her own ticket and sitting in a seat some way away, then if she's OK let her go on her own? If she's got a mobile phone and it's a straightforward journey there's not much that can go wrong really.

[freddiefrog]

Sorry, x-posted, if I had my way, I'd never let her out of my sight, but I have relaxed more, so maybe I need to lighten up around this stuff. I just don't know, it's all a bit trial and error isn't it?

I suppose we can compromise with some stuff - make up for parties and special occasions, not for buying sweets in the Co-op

Jewellery for special occasions, never for school

I'm beginning to question myself that I am a bit old fashioned given all the expensive make up, designer clothes, etc, etc that her friends have.

DD1 knocks about in jeans, t-shirt, board shorts, hoodies and converse/vans type shoes, lots of her friends are in strappy tops, heels, etc

Kids eh? As soon as you think you've cracked one thing, they come along with something else

[Theas18]

Re dip dye hair my 19yr old ollowed a u tube video and did hers with water color pastels from her old art set - damp hair , rub pastel colour through the ends and that's it.

Washes out easily. Looked good ( if you ignored the red tinge on her pale grey cardi but that washed out too!). Would be a great one for a 10-11yr old and her best mate to have a play with.

Putting my grey haired old 2p worth - stick to your guns. Let her do what your are comfy with not what "everyone does" does, cos they actually probably don't.

What I would suggest is lots of semi independent stuff travelling on public transport ( even with you upstairs on a bus and dd downstairs even!- we've done similar on trains). But probably not till spring - it's lighter and the weather is better plus they are 1/3 year older !

You need to work on having taught and let them practice plenty ofindependence skills by the start of year 7. If they can get about confidently etc then secondary is less daunting.

By all means let them think going to the cinema with a mate is a treat - actually its a learning experience lol

[freddiefrog]

Thanks! I'll have a look on YouTube, something like that she could do on Friday night and wash out before school on Sunday.

A lot of this stuff, I know her friends really are doing, she's not just spinning me a line. Her best friend has highlights in her hair, they all wear friendship bracelets, some wear mascara. I know they get the bus, etc. I used to be all 'yeah, yeah' when she piped up but I've seen it with my own eyes.

Her secondary school is walkable from our house so won't need to get a bus, but yes, she should start doing some of this stuff. She already walks to and from school but it's closer, with no roads to cross, etc.

I'll have a think and come up with some compromises

Thanks!

[amillionyears]

The only thing I would add to the above, is, I used to check out if "all my friends are allowed"
I generally used to find it was some of them. I literally used to watch with DD unobtruseively and see how many were wearing/doing/having xyz. It used to be a lot less than she actually thought, which helped to teach her to really open her eyes to everyone.

[lljkk]

I strongly agree with what OverTheHill said, too. Optimal for them to be very confident with physical independence things long before they start secondary. Secondary school is overwhelming enough as it is. Like catching the bus, how to use a cash machine, how to do everything on their phone, walking around town by themselves for a few minutes. This will give them the confidence to deal with other types of problems as they arise. They will mess up plenty too, you've got to be ready to stomach that, it's part of learning.

Don't try to instill that confidence just within 6 weeks of next summer break, I'd start working on it after Christmas, spring is a good suggestion.

[madbengal]

I get this ALL the time LOL my answer is if xyz jumped off a cliff would you want to or I dont care what xyz is allowed to do I care about you and will then explain my reasoning and we compromise

DD is 11 and yr 7, she isnt allowed jewellery or mobile at school, isnt allowed to wander the streets and isnt allowed on a bus by herself

She doesnt have any interest in makeup yet thankfully