When best friends fall out

[woolyscarf]

my dd is now 12 and last summer was best friends with another girl X who had gone to her junior school and then left in Yr 5.Their friendship picked up and blossomed over the suumer and they started senior school together as best friends but then after several months X just started ignoring my dd. DD had intervened when X hit another girl and had asked her to stop, dd was told to shut up. DD had also tried to stop some boys getting X's bag and was blamed for it getting ripped. X kept 'blanking' her in school and seemed to enjoy the attention that she was getting because she would n't speak to dd. My DD is very upset as she has n't done anything to deserve this and became very stressed as she now had basically all the class asking why she was n't speaking to X when in fact it was the other way round!. When I saw X's mum she said that she'd seen sides of her daughter that she had n't seen before and she was just getting to know her!! She was keen for them to stay friends, but she does n't seem to want to make any effort for this to happen. X's mum puts X's behaviour all down as part of growing up.
X brags she's going to work in the factory her father manages, and trys to get attention either by behaviour, haircut, skirt lengths, hanging about with boys etc.X has bragged at school that she has been to 7 primary schools. (they've lived in the same community, and we know that they has 'issues' at the last junior school, including bullying others)
I sought the help of the school who saw X's behaviour as bullying. My DD has accepted that X is no longer her 'best friend', only a friend. They both agreed this was the way foward, mutual respect etc. We thought this was the end of it.
My DD is now in Yr8. The term started with X returning something which we'd given her last Sept. I told my DD to ignore this. X is now encouraging others in the 'friendship group' to 'fire the shots' e.g. hiding school bag, talking about DD and then stopping when she comes into the room, leaving her out of things etc. X is now telling others in school that her father is a fashion designer (he isn't) but others are saying 'thats really cool!!' My daughter knows that X is lying and it winds her up that she knows the truth. X is trying to get DD to 'lose it' at school- I've said if she feels angry just to walk away and say she's got be somewhere else. X gloats over anything that dd does n't get right. My DD feels as if she's being criticised all the time at school by X but feels that she needs to hang with this friendship group as there's no other girls in her class. DD has now started helping others with homework in order to keep friends. X is making my DD life's a misery. It all sounds small and petty but when you're 12 its not. what can i do??

[Bunbaker]

I could have written your post. DD has fallen out with the girl she went up to high school with. Her ex friend has now sabotaged all the new friendships DD has made and DD now feels isolated. She has now had to seek friendships outside of her teaching group and hopefully this ex friend, who seems to be waging a hate vendetta against DD, will leave them alone.

Aren't 12 year old ex friends vile!

[woolyscarf]

Hi - thanks for reading this. Yes, they really are - it makes you wonder what sort of vile adults they'll become. I'm hoping to speak to dd's teacher today to see if the school can help. Its silly things - like teachers asking the to pair up and my dd is left on the fringe of things - just makes her feel more isolated. Really sad - she's still the lovely helpful caring girl that she is but others just taking advantage and its really wearing her down and affecting her confidence. Hope your DD is ok - friendships out of school also help but they don't substitute for what goes on in class.

[Bunbaker]

I think your DD and mine would get on like a house on fire. DD hates it when they have to work in pairs as well because she is always the last to get picked.

It is worth talking to the school. DD's year group learning mentor has to deal with this type of thing all the time and did a great job several months ago when things got really bad. The ex friend (I will call her QB from now on) has told the other girls not to talk to DD and still tries to sabotage her friendships. It is as if she doesn't want DD to have any friends.

Why is it that nasty girls like QB are more charismatic than the nice ones? Mind you people considered Hitler and Margaret Thatcher to be charismatic.

[nortonmumoftwo]

and my daughter too!

read my previous post about my nightmare sleepover on saturday night.

basically my thoughts are: there are two types of girls (pleasant girls from nice families who you know and the others - i.e girls who come from unsettled homes and mimic their parents behaviour.)

I have learnt the hard way - I now vet all my 11 daughters friends - she doesn't go out with them if I am not sure. I have had to make this rule as I have been lapse in the past and have paid the price. By that I mean my daughter has suffered at the hands of manipulative/aggresive/hateful children - you can hardly call them children. When she is old enough to 'handle' people then I will back off.

My daughter has had to endure lessons whereby this other girl has dropped pencils by her desk accidently on purpose/made up lies about her/called her a B/followed her around school/glaring/turned her friends against her with lies/etc - I could go on and on! The only thing is every dog has its day and now other children are begininng to suss her out after 4 or 5 weeks of a new term in new secondary school. Not easy to deal with as a parent as I just want to confront this girl and give her a taste of her own medicine - but I won't do this as you immeidately loose the moral high ground with school. P.S this other girl is nearly a year younger than mine but she is older in her mind and much taller. All intimidating when you're 11.

[Cahoots]

nortonmumoftwo

basically my thoughts are: there are two types of girls (pleasant girls from nice families who you know and the others - i.e girls who come from unsettled homes and mimic their parents behaviour.)

I really don't agree with this. I have found outwardly nice children can be as mean as the seemingly less nice ones. It is more dependant on the character of the child.

[BollocksToKarma]

This is happening to my dd as well. It's now spilling into the kids she hangs around with at home as the 1 child on the street who goes to the same school is now also bitching about her to the others who live around here but doesn't attend their school.

DD's now got to the point where she wont even bother making the effort anymore as it always results in the same thing, my dd being excluded. The parents are no help either as they know the girls responsible are little shits and said so themselves, but yet condone the behaviour by letting their kids exclude mine on a daily basis.

DD's given up on the kids and I've given up on the parents. We've got no hope and these are seemingly the "pleasant girls from stable homes". At least with "the others" you have an idea to be a bit weary in the first place.

[woolyscarf]

Hi all - BTK just to say you're sooooo right - X comes from what could be described as you say 'pgfsh' - not what you expect but if her parents let her away with behaving like a B what can you expect . Mentally have given up on the friendship we had with the parents -was it ever friendship? we were just being used to help the other daughter pass her entrance exam Just water under the bridge as the saying goes - moving on, with lots of extra love and support to DD. Building confidence. Getting fun out of school stuff to do! Just like to share some good news with you all - DD seems to be doing better at school and recently passed an exam with a distinction. Other girls in the class are starting to realise what a B X is despite her bringing in sweets, putting others down and lying to be so cool! So maybe things are starting to look up

[Bunbaker]

"I really don't agree with this. I have found outwardly nice children can be as mean as the seemingly less nice ones. It is more dependant on the character of the child."

I agree. DD's tormentor comes from a stable home background. She has recently been spreading more lies and nasty tales about DD (and me as well). The school are aware and have planned to put them in different classes in the next school year. Sadly DD has 6 more months of putting up with this two faced b**ch.

[3monkeys]

DDis being tormented by her former best friend.She is 11,in year 6. She is the 3rd in a group of 3 girls, and one of them is deliberatelyexcluding her and being mean to her. She seems very down and sad this week but doesn't want me to go into school. I am having to resist the urge to text said 'friend's mother to tell her that her daughter is being a bitch!

[MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX]

DD had a sleepover with bf. When she left everything was fine. When dd went into school the next day bf saw her talking to another girl. Bf then huffed and walked away. Later bf said she shouldn't be talking to the other girl as she wasn't popular and therefore she would get a reputation as being unpopular. (dd couldn't careless who is and isn't popular). Dd told her not to be so mean. Bf threw her bag off the desk then got her pen and threw that across the room and then ignored everything my dd said. Bf got other people to join in and made my dd day horrible. Bf now says she is BF with another girl. (Other girl is quite creepy, before yesterday whenever dd and bf were talking this girl would come over and stand infront of dd and hug bf and talk to bf as though dd was not there. Despite bf trying to move away from her. I have seen the look of pure hatred come over this girl if she saw anyone talking to Bf . At one time the 3 of them were having a sleepover at bf's house and this girls mother was running late to pick her up so I picked dd up first. This girl was giving me the evils and packing my dd's case to get rid of us as quickly as possible. When I stopped for a coffee she was virtually catatonic with pent up rage.)
Really upset for dd and really worried as dd does not seem to have anyone on her side.
DD had been best friends with this girl for 3 years. At the moment I am putting it down to teenage hormones but I am worried about dd not getting back with bf and I am also worried about her getting back with bf as once this other girl gets a sniff that she is in with a chance with bf who knows what she is capable of if it is then taken away. She certainly gives me the creeps

[NanaNina]

It's hard being a mom, but one of the hardest parts is knowing when to "back of" and let the kids sort it out for themselves. I am grandmother now and my son and dil are both primary school teachers. They both say that there is always trouble of some kind, with the girls (the sorts of things you are all desribing) but not the boys. They are troublesome sometimes but in a different way. The difficulties are mostly in Yrs 5 and 6.

The often have parents coming in to say that A is picking on B and telling C and D not to be friends with her etct etc and can they move A to another part of the classroom and "keep a watch" at breaktimes. My son and dil are parents themselves and obviously would act if there was serious bulying going on. My dil says that very often the complaining parent's child is equally as bad (or worse) as the girl she is complaining about. One even asked if she would get all the girls together who had been turned against her daughter by A, and tell them it was B that was the troublemaker and no one should be friends with her. They obviously have to observe confidentiality and cannot talk about another child, but the complaining parents' hackles soon rise if it is suggested that their DD can sometimes make trouble in the friendship groups.

My wise dil says that parents need to teach their children the skills to deal with the different sorts of personalities that they will come across in life and school is a good place to start. Her daughter (my DGD) in primary school was friends with another girl, who became very possessive of her and wouldn't let her play with anyone else, and if she did, she told lies about her to others etc etc etc just as you are all talking about. This was in Yrs 3 and 4. I was angry because of course my DGD cannot "put a foot wrong!!" and I wanted my son or dil to take it up with the school, but they said NO, and they would teach their daughter the skills to cope. Well they weren't put to the test because the family moved house and so the girl left in Yr 5 and my DGD's last 2 years at primary were so happy for her. She is 12 now and she has said that she will "never let anyone treat her like that again" - so maybe the lesson was learned. Her last report commented that "her emotional maturity was very much valued in the friendship groups" - although there is the sort of thing going on with some girls that you describe.

SO - stand back you mums and don't demonise the other kid - she has her own problems and she too will have to learn how to cope with wanting to control, as she grows up. Incidentally many children who want to control in the way you describe are over controlled at home, and so it comes out in this way. Also children who tell fantasy lies are unhappy kids who do not like themselves and are insecure, and so make up lies to make people like them. Again the roots of this lie in the home. It isn't possible to categorise children who seem to be from a stable family, because no one knows what goes on in that particular home.

Be thankful your girls are secure and don't need to control and lie to be accepted - they will do well in life.

[Bunbaker]

Thank you for your wise words Nana. I know I need to stand back, but seeing DD look so sad because of the other girl's constant lying is very hard. This other girl is devious and manipulative (even school agrees with me) and I think one of the reasons the nasty girl is so horrible about DD is because she is an easy target (she is very timid and unconfident).

[lljkk]

Keep out as much as possible, support the same way you would a close friend (sympathetic ear, pointing out anything you think she hasn't thought about, gently reminding the best principles to live life by).

Had this with DD 6 months ago. Took her 10 days to find a new gang of BFFs.

[FranSanDisco]

DD 12 yo has gone through a 2bf break down over the past 2 wks so reading this is helpful. TBH she has coped very well with dignity, not rising to the bait at all and now both the ex bf are trying to apologise. This is basically because they have grown tired of each other as one is extremely controlling. DD said 'we can be friends in corridors but not bffs anymore' and she has made other friends now.

What I can't understood is that one of the girls' mum (the controlling child)seems to have aided the exclusion of dd - one of the bfs lives down the road from us and she would knock each morning for dd and they would meet other bf at bus stop (dropped there by mum). One morning mum picked up bf on our road and drove past our house to bus stop. First dd knows is when she's txts to see where bf was??? My self control is on max as I am seething but underneath it all she has done me a favour as dd can now distance herself.

[FranSanDisco]

oh forgot to add NanaNina I so agree with your wise words and those of lljkk . It's what I am outwardly saying to dd but inside oh my goodness you don't want to hear it (all directed towards nasty mum not child).

[Mjelly]

My 12 year old daughter has been best friends with a girl for years, but since joining secondary school they seem to be falling out. Her BF hasn't made as many new friends as my daughter and is constantly jumping in between my daughter and other friends, she is constantly trying to be in the middle of everything. I put this down to feeling a little insecure and that she was scared of losing my daughters friendship. (This was not going to happen as my daughter really does like her). My daughter has made a couple of new friends in her new form and has included her bf in everything that they do out of the class room. (Including a birthday sleepover that included two old friends and the two new ones). However, at the weekend her supposed best friend invited these two girls to the cinema and left my daughter out. My daughter is really upset about it and is now getting angry. I feel devastated for my daughter as the two girls that were invited are in her form and they don't seem to care that my daughter was left out. I am really good friends with the BF's mum, but know if I say anything we will fall out, but also feel that it is so wrong to treat my daughter like this. Are we being totally unreasonable to feel hurt?

[Bunbaker]

Mjelly. The initial scenario is exactly what happened with DD and her "best" friend.

The upshot is that her (now ex) friend sabotaged all the new friendships that DD made and it meant that DD felt rather lonely and excluded for a while. She has since made a new group of friends who are much nicer and seem to be more constant and loyal to her, so I think that the first group of friends weren't meant to be and probably weren't worth having anyway. DD has also cemented other friendships that she has outside of school - girls she is at Guides with, and has a large pool of friends that she can see at weekends.

I think the problems she had at school made her work a little harder on the other friendships.

[bubby64]

This happens with boys as well, athough they are not so bitchy but more physical. My 12yr old DS has had this happen with the boy who was his former best friend, we have had numerous actual fights and many petty name calling, encouraging others to be nasty, and general unsocial behaviour. The school have told them not to go near each other (difficult as they are in the same form, travel on the same bus, and have the same mutual friends. )
The final straw came this week when the other boy tripped DS up as they getting off the bus yesterday, and DS nearly went under the wheels. I have finally asked the school to be more pro-active and put them in different forms. The problem is that in a lot of cases, my DS is not entirely innocent . The other boys mum, who I had always got on with, is now saying my DS is the root of all the trouble, never her darling boy, despite the fact that witnesses to the trouble say it is 6 of one and half dozen of the other. .
The hardest thing is DS has a twin brother, who still gets on with this other boy, and he has been told by the school to make a choice, hang out with the boy or his brother, I want him to stick by his brother, but to ask this of a 12yr old is not fair.